Verified by 
Understanding Twins
Parenting: The Key Determinant of Mental Health in Twins
Part one: Insights on how to parent twins in early childhood.
Posted July 12, 2021 Reviewed by Davia Sills
Key points
- Parenting styles can have a huge impact on twins' development, especially in the early years.
- At one extreme, twins can develop codependency, while at the other, they can become estranged.
- Strategies that emphasize the twins' status as individuals while still celebrating their special bond can support healthy development.
Consulting with parents of twins and interacting with their children has led me to reaffirm my original doctoral research, which indicated that parents are the most crucial factor in the mental health of twins as they grow and develop. While previous twin research has considered the importance of genetics in comparison to environmental influences in the social-emotional development of twins, I have found that the parents’ style of relating to their twins creates the unique identities that twins will develop later in life.
For example, when parents are unavailable because of illness or indifference, they will allow their children to take care of each other. Their twins, who are co-parents to one another, become entwined and have extreme difficulty living separate lives. In stark contrast are parents who see their children as opposites of one another. Favoritism reigns and one twin is the good and ideal twin, and their co-twin is the bad twin who can do nothing right.
Estrangement between twins who are parented as opposites is extremely common. When favoritism is promoted, twins will have a very difficult time getting along. The estrangement between opposite twins is common and painful.
How to raise healthy twins
Based on my continuing original research and writing (for a partial list of my books, see below), the following parental interventions with twins will support the development of their individual identities and maintain a healthy twin bond. Let me say firstly that the prevailing direction of raising twins has been to focus on individuality, which is of course crucial to the mental health of twins. However, this general advice can fall short if the nuances of the closeness of the twin relationship are abjectly ignored.
In other words, separating twins is an art, and there is no single method that will work for all sets of twins. Here are some of my suggestions (which I call “rules”) that are based on working closely with twins and their parents over the last 40 years.
1. As soon as possible, develop a unique relationship with each one of your twin children.
For example, sing different songs and tell different stories to each child as if they were your only child at these moments. Special time together is very important because it develops the mother-child attachment.
2. Don’t ignore your twins’ bond.
Do relate to your twins as a pair. Have special twin activities that you do with your children together. For example, when taking a walk together, share a game or story with them that they will both enjoy. Twin attachment is lifelong and as primary as the mother-child attachment.
3. Explain to your children in child-friendly terms that they are twins.
Point out how this is different from being a single child through examples. You have the same birthday as your sister! You share your mom and dad.
4. Talk about separation sadness and anxiety with them.
Make up some strategies that will help them tolerate being apart.
5. Have alone time with each child every day at the same time.
That way, they will get used to being separated and used to being alone with you.
6. Try to dress your children differently.
This will really help them in the long run. Twins easily fight over clothes as they grow, so it is never too early to get them comfortable looking different and not sharing.
7. Fighting over toys is so very common and predictable.
If you can, label toys and clothes so your twins understand what belongs to each of them. No matter how much time this takes, it will pay off in less fighting as your children grow into adolescents and adults.
8. Have sharing toys that belong to both twins.
Contrast sharing toys with individual toys.
9. Teach your children how to ask to play with their twin’s toys.
Make sure that your children learn this lesson. For example, “I would like to play with your new video game; when can you share it with me?”
10. Twins measure themselves against one another, which creates competition—a hallmark of twin identity.
Explain to your children how they are different. It is normal and predictable that they will have different strengths and weakness. Have a chart that show how your children are different and how they are similar (for young children, maybe it will even help them learn to read).
11. Teach others not to compare your twins.
12. Get help from your parents or teachers or caregivers.
No one can parent twins alone. Organizations for mothers of twins are very valuable.
Summary and conclusions
Raising twins is a physical and emotional challenge. The rules I suggest to follow will help you manage the days and nights of being a parent of twins. While twins can be fun, interesting, and even miraculous, twins are truly double trouble and require an approach to getting them to listen to you and follow your directions. An open-ended approach to parenting twins does not work well because it encourages fighting and competition, which will become more apparent as they get older.
References
