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Understanding Twins
Why Won't My Twin Listen to Me?
Confronting a lifelong dilemma.
Posted June 13, 2021 Reviewed by Gary Drevitch
Not being listened to and taken seriously by my twin has been the most difficult and frustrating aspect of my twin identity. Many twins who have joined my education and support groups to understand their troubling and painful twin experiences agree. Anger and disbelief about being discounted and humiliated by a twin is confusing because a few minutes ago, it seemed, your twin was on your side. Rage and disappointment surface (again), just when you thought you were getting along. Finding clarity about what causes twin-disharmony can be impossible because bad feelings are deep-seated, based on unbelievably old fights about competition and favoritism from family members, which can be spoken aloud or covert.
What is fascinating about this communication problem is that twins are capable of understanding one another quite precisely. In my experience, my sister easily understood my problems or issues very quickly and had suggestions for me to improve my frazzled mind. For example, when we were in college my twin sister spent hour upon hour trying to help me decide who should be my primary boyfriend. She was aware that I was very unsure about my ability to make a good decision.
However, getting an agreement that included both of our different goals was very difficult. When we had to decide who would get to go on a special vacation, or the title of a new book we wanted to write together, we could not agree because the decision involved both of us making a compromise.
Other twins have similar problems when agreeing to share an event or a business friend or even a family celebration. Perhaps the worst time for twins when they are adults is when one marries and the co-twin is single. The conflict between who is most important to your twin, you or their spouse-to-be, can create a great deal of unhappiness for both twins and the families involved. I wish I could offer a solution.
“Twin Forgetting”
For me and for other twins, “twin forgetting” — pretending that you haven't heard what your twin has said to you — is at first understandable or bearable but ultimately a determinant of estrangement. “Twin forgetting” looks different depending on the situation facing co-twins. An easy example comes from my own life. As children, my sister and I discussed everything. My twin still liked to talk to me whenever she wanted when we were both professional women with structured schedules. I would say, "I am free at noon; can you call me then?”
She would call at one o’clock and two and then three. Paying attention to my schedule was impossible for her even though she was a professor with a series of classes to teach. Our phone “craziness” went on for years and ended in phone call wars. I think that we were fighting over who was more important, my sister or my family and work obligations. This competition over who was the more deserving twin spilled over into other aspects of our lives, including our children and families, books we wrote or read, and clothes that could be exchanged. (We recently arranged a clothing transaction/trade that was a diplomatic success story — until it didn’t happen.)
I still wonder: Did my sister forget my request to phone me at noon? Was she not listening or forgetful or unconcerned about my obligations? Was she just using forgetting as a way to lie to me? I will never know the “true” answer but I do know that her behavior was a determinant of our many years of intense fighting and estrangement. And what did I do to keep this fire going? you might ask.
My answer is: In her eyes I was not entitled to my own life. We were one in her mind and I was to be available to make her look and feel good. Fortunately, I could not give up on my family and my dreams in order to get along with her and promote her as Number 1.
“Forgetting” between twins is passive warfare to get your own way. Even to this day, decades after the final phone war, I still feel very concerned when a twin I am trying to help tells me that their twin’s excuse for not following through is because they forgot. I wonder: Why did they forget? Are they lying to get their own way? Are they just making an excuse for not caring?
Can Friendships Be Shared?
Not listening to your twin's point of view starts early in life and is often related to shared friendships, which cannot be sorted out as neatly as toys and clothes and video time. A seemingly “easy to present” problem — sharing friends or respecting your twin’s point of view — leads to serious conflicts that I see regularly when I consult with twins. The biggest and most horrendous conflicts over who is right and who is wrong are related to sharing friendships. The question of which friend is yours and which friend is mine creates wars that involve non-listening between twins. Parents of young twins need to teach their children to listen and respect each other’s separate friendships.
Not-listening behavior is not limited to twins. All children tune their parents and teachers out. Employees tune out their bosses and wives tune out their husbands to get their own way. But there is something about not-listening between twins that can create disappointment, anger, shame, and severe loneliness that can lead to estrangement and depression. Try to pay attention to how your twin is different from you and respect their different point of view.
Strategies That Help You Listen
- Find a quiet time to talk to your twin when both of you are focused on the issue at hand. For example, go for coffee and discuss a family party that you want to give.
- Avoid talking about past disputes and past grievances because they can never be fixed and only bring up disappointment, loneliness, and estrangement.
- Value compromise and speak about how you are trying to get along.
- Try to avoid talking about what is the right way to do something and what is the wrong way. Talk about “our way” of doing something.
- If you forget what your twin has told you, ask yourself why: Am I jealous? Angry? Competitive? Indifferent to my twin’s request/problem/interests?
Getting along with your twin requires you to listen to what they are telling you. Trying to get your own way often leads to estrangement.
