Raising Twins to Be Individuals and Trusted Friends

What Parents Can Do to Develop Individuality in Their Twin Children

Parenting twins is a challenging task that presents unique and complicated psychological and practical problems that need to be carefully identified, understood, and solved. Raising twins takes time and thought. There are no easy answers or long-range, unalterable strategies to adopt. There are some tried and true strategies that psychologically astute parents use. Examples of practical strategies include:

1. Dressing twins differently.

2. Giving your twins separate bedrooms when possible.
3. Separating twins in school as early as possible, as this time apart will help twins grow into themselves.
4. Making sure each twin has their own friends as well as shared friends.
5. Encouraging separate interests when at all possible.
6. Teaching your children that not all toys and clothes can be shared.
7. Working with your children when they fight to understand “what belongs to who” and “who is responsible for the mistake” that they claim is not their fault.

These common strategic beliefs and actions are essential but not enough. Personal decisions about each child’s special qualities must be identified and developed.

Without a doubt, the most important challenge for parents is to develop a vibrant and distinctive, separate relationship with each child. A deeply bonded attachment between parent and child will protect twins from being over-identified with one another. Creating and developing individuality is the foundation for long-range overall mental and physical wellness for twins. Giving your children the option to choose their own direction will enable them to develop a unique sense of themselves more freely and naturally.

Each child’s individuality is based on the parent-child attachment and the twin attachment. My research suggests that twins have an identity as a twin and an identity as an individual. Both of these identities are intertwined, which causes fighting, resentment, and strong unattainable expectations. When the parent-child attachment is marginalized because of too much twin entanglement, twins become over-identified with one another and confused about who is responsible for taking care of their separate needs and interests. Entanglement creates over-reliance on one another and can lead to serious developmental arrests throughout life.

Twins can become afraid of being themselves—the best they can be—because they risk hurting or disappointing their brother or sister by being the “better one.” Or in some situations, twins cannot clearly differentiate themselves from their twin. For example, in kindergarten my sister spilled paint in her hair and I was crying because I thought that it was my fault. Twin identity confusion is a serious problem for parents to oversee carefully. Unfortunately, my mother was not aware of the side effects of letting me take care of my sister. My mother’s lack of psychological interest in our identity and anger at one another inspired me to understand why twins have such difficulty getting along.

Parents can actually work on individuality by treating each growing infant as distinctive. For example, Twin A loves to hear you sing “Rock a Bye, Baby,” while Twin B prefers hearing you sing “Old McDonald Had a Farm.” Twin A loves sleeping with his stuffed cow, and Twin B prefers his stuffed pig. Carefully develop these special interests—likes and dislikes in your children—as these differences will encourage the development of individuality in a very practical and identifiable way that other caretakers can use to establish unique identity as normal and predictable.

Another strategy that will develop distinctive parent-child interactions is to write stories about each twin’s childhood based on what the child wants to tell you. Keep these stories in a journal and totally separate and add on to them as your twins grow and mature. An example from the twin children I have worked with is as follows.

Betty, 5 years old, spends one evening a month working on her life story, which she dictates to her mother. Betty says to please write this down for me. “I know I am a twin. My parents talk to me about what it means to be a twin. I like playing with my brother. Sometimes I wish I had a sister instead of a brother. I am glad to have my brother to play with and to spend the night with. Sometimes we fight which makes mom and dad angry. We have a hard time sharing our toys and fight over video games. But I always have someone to be with and I am sad when Benjamin wants to be alone or play with someone else.”

Benjamin, who is 10 minutes younger than his sister Betty, asks mom to write down his life story. He explains, “Everyone asks me where my sister Betty is today. I am tired of being a twin. Betty gets too much attention from our friends and neighbors. I wish people would ask me how I am doing. My parents and grandparents think that being a twin is special. But I am not sure that twinship is so great. I am tired of sharing my stuff with Betty. I wish she wouldn’t play with my friends but she cries and convinces my parents that she can join in. Having a twin sister is very hard on me, even though she can be very kind and playful. I liked Betty better when we were younger.”

Understanding Twins Essential Reads

The Unique Development of Twin Language

How Parental Indifference Affects the Twin Bond

These life stories are added onto as the months go by and become a record of the good and bad feelings twins have toward one another. By reflecting differences, the uniqueness of each twin is recorded and can be referred to when necessary. As twins grow older they enjoy and gain insight into who they are by reading about their early lives. Parents are able to see what is positive and negative about their children’s relationship and how they might encourage more individuality. Developing each child’s unique personality requires creativity and motivation to be successful.

Conclusions

Twins present unique childrearing issues for parents. Firstly, twins are very close and difficult to separate. Treating twins as individuals is a complicated challenge. Secondly, outsiders from all walks of life believe that all twins should and will be close to one another. This idealized fantasy of twin oneness creates enormous pressure on parents and twins to be copies of each other and makes raising twins more difficult. As parents learn that twins are different from one another and different as a pair from other twin pairs, a focus on uniqueness will evolve and individuality will develop more smoothly. Emotional well-being is related to a balance between individuality and attachment.