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Understanding Twins
How to Overcome Anger and Fighting
The key to developing an adult relationship with your twin.
Posted February 20, 2019
Fighting is a huge problem for twins that seems to get worse with age as they struggle with unresolvable issues or are overcome with resentment and anger (sometimes unspoken). Very recently, a 26-year-old twin, Diana, called desperately to ask for help. “I don't like my sister Jane's fiancé, Brian. And Brian does not like me and excludes me from everything, including their engagement party. I am so sad that Jane does not care that I am being treated as second best. Brian is just a rich guy without a soul. Jane can't see who Brian is. Jane is just so happy about getting married. I can't stop thinking about how my sister ignores me and won't listen to my opinion. I am worried about her!”
Another phone call is about a wedding problem from twins in their 50s who can't agree on a daughter/niece's wedding plan. Both twins desperately want to solve the wedding problem. Each one believes with abject certainty that she is right. Mary and Madeline battle about who is in charge of making the decisions for Jeanie's big day. Madeline's daughter Jeanie is planning to have her wedding in Oregon. Aunt Mary says, "Madeline, you can't afford that type of wedding for Jeanie. Jeanie's fiancé Arthur is just a big loser and a taker. Art is never satisfied. He is bound to run Jeanie into the ground. Please listen to me! Don't encourage this relationship.”
Madeline's response is: “What I do for my daughter's wedding is certainly none of your concern. We have saved for the event and plan to go through with it. Our mother has agreed to help out with the cost as well. We don't need your financial support. Why can't you be happy for me? Why can't we agree?” Mary then totally ignores her twin sister's point of view and continues to tell Madeline she is going down the wrong road with her decision.
What is similar to these stories is that both sets of twins are concerned about decisions that are really not their business. On one level they fear that their twin will be perceived as lacking in good judgment, and they will be similarly perceived as lacking in judgment. The onlooker’s point of view will reflect on how the world perceives the twin pair.
Are they ashamed of their twin? Or are they over-involved with their twin's identity? Maybe both motivations apply. Where are the boundaries between these sets of twins? The bottom line is, “Who exactly is getting married?”
Another example of identity confusion and knowing where you “start” and “end” (boundaries) is exemplified in twins who are so angry that they cannot bear to see one another or to be seen together. John called me, totally overwhelmed with the idea that his brother would be living in the same town as he did, after 10 years of anonymity. John said, “Dr. Klein, what should I do? I am finally living outside of my brother's world of music and drugs. What will I do if someone sees him and thinks that Malcolm is me? I fear that I will feel so ashamed and confused if my friends in the community know that we are twins. Malcolm is an out of control addict. I don't want people to think I am like him because we are twins. I know I can't move or stay inside my house forever. How do I get over this shame? And the guilty feeling that I think this way?”
A middle-aged twin, Jeffrey, lives in a small town in the Midwest. His twin relationship with Matt is based on deep resentment and carefully hidden secrets. Jeffrey called me because he is very depressed and stuck in a bad relationship. Recently, his brother (twin) Matt called to tell Jeffrey he is a loser because he is too passionate about his artistic life. Jeffrey does not know how to respond to his twin and feels that everything that has gone wrong is his fault. Everyone in their small town knows that they are twins who don't talk and get along. The source of their anger and resentment remain undisclosed. Their deeply shared secret remains buried. Both Matt and Jeffrey have trouble resolving their own personal issues. Talking about what happened to them is seen as a betrayal of the other and leaves them trapped is their pasts.
Lorna calls me. “My sister was in town and like always she did not call me. I saw her sitting in a coffee shop with a friend but I didn't say “Hi.” Why does she hate me? What did I do wrong? Should I call her? I am angry and I am sad.”
Confusion Is the Problem These Twins Share
Are you wondering what else these stories have in common? Here is my response. You may have your own opinions.
- All of these twins see the other one of the pair as making a mistake because they cannot accept that they are different from one another. What works for one member of the pair may not work for the other. This type of acceptance of difference is difficult to achieve.
- These twins refuse to consider the other's point of view as valid. Each twin is entitled to their own point of view. Clearly this is easier said than done.
- They are all over-involved in the life of their twin. To make matters worse they won't accept that they need to get distance from their twin.
- Shame about who their twin is cannot be contained and put into perspective because they feel overly responsible for what goes wrong with their sister or brother. Normal siblings do not have this problem.
Strategies That Work When Fighting Involves Over-Identification in One Another's Life
- Ask yourself what are we fighting about and then try and talk with your sister or brother even if you think that this is impossible.
- Try very hard not to escalate the fight. But do not give in.
- Plan non-provocative activities that can be regular events in your lives.
- Realize that childhood twin relationships are very different from adult twin relationships. Don't long for the past way that you got along. Find new and mutual ways of spending time together without competition or jealousy.
In my previous post, I asked for contributions to a new book I am writing, Understanding Twin Relationships: An Experience Based Approach. Guidelines for submission are listed there. Please think about writing about your favorite or challenging issue from your twinship. We have extended the deadline until March 31, 2019. Please submit essays to twinrelationships@gmail.com
