To Control or Not to Control: This Is the Question

Let me start with what I think is one of the most empowering statements that allows us to live a balanced happy life. This is the Serenity Prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr, which says,

Source: Moshe Ratson

...grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference…

For most of my life, I enacted the Serenity Prayer in reverse. I was trying to change the external things over which I had no control (e.g., other people and life events) rather than focusing on my own internal process, over which I have some control. Having control to a certain degree is fine, but trying to control something or somebody over which I have no control is dysfunctional and even delusional.

To become empowered, I had to own what is within my control and responsibility and let go of what is beyond it. I had to learn to be honest with myself about my expectations of reality—accepting life for what it is, so I could let go of the insane ones. To believe that unpleasant things should never happen to me was a dysfunctional notion—truly insane. The reality of life is that things happen. The more accepting I became of life, the more serenity I experienced.

What is within our control?

Here are things that we can control that are under our responsibility:

• Self-care: Taking responsibility for one's physical and mental well-being.
• Emotional regulation: Managing one's own emotions and reactions, rather than expecting others to do so.
• Choices and decisions: The options you select when faced with alternatives. At the same time, owning your choices while accepting their consequences.
• Communication: Expressing one's needs, desires, and limits clearly and respectfully.
• Respect for others: Recognizing and honoring others' boundaries and autonomy.
• Personal growth: Taking initiative for self-education, skill development, learning, and improvement.
• Self-reflection: The practice of introspection, examining one’s thoughts, feelings, and behaviors to gain deeper self-awareness.
• Self-awareness: Understanding what truly makes you happy and aligning your life with your values.
• Value alignment: Living according to one's own values, beliefs, and principles.
• Stress management: The process of experiencing difficult emotions and situations, while reducing stress and anxiety.
• Attitudes and reactions: The way in which we respond to situations and interpret events.
• Mindset: Choosing to adopt a positive outlook and practicing gratitude, appreciation, and joy.
• Relationship development: Cultivating and maintaining healthy dynamics in personal and professional relationships.
• Balanced life: Aspiring to a healthy equilibrium in the dynamic process of life in all areas, while adjusting priorities and intensity as needed.
• Personal boundaries: Limits we set in our relationships and professional life.
• Goal setting: Setting and working toward meaningful personal goals that provide a sense of purpose and fulfillment.
• Effort and work ethic: The amount of effort we put into tasks and goals.
• Habits development: The regular practices, routines, and behaviors you choose to engage in.
• Problem-solving: Addressing personal challenges proactively rather than relying on others to fix them.
• Accountability: Acknowledging mistakes and taking responsibility for one's actions.
• Time management: Balancing commitments, time, and energy, while prioritizing tasks effectively.
• Financial responsibility: Managing one's finances and living within one's means.

What is beyond our control?

Here are some examples of the things that are beyond our control:

• Other people's thoughts, feelings, and actions: We can influence but not control others.
• Natural events and disasters: Weather, earthquakes, etc.
• Economic conditions: Global and local economic trends.
• Political climate: Government decisions and political events.
• Genetic predispositions: Inherited traits and health tendencies.
• Past events: What has already happened cannot be changed.
• Aging process: While we can influence our health, we can't stop time.
• Unexpected life events: Accidents, sudden illnesses, or unforeseen circumstances.
• Cultural and societal norms: While we can challenge these, we can't control their existence.
• Technological advancements: The pace and direction of technological change.

The goal is happiness

The desire to control life is a common human tendency, but it's important to understand that complete control is neither possible nor necessarily beneficial. Rather than seeking to control life entirely, it's more beneficial to aim for a balance between taking responsibility for what we can influence and accepting what we cannot.

The key to a balanced and happy life often lies in focusing our energy on what we can control while accepting and adapting to what we cannot. While your effort is within your control, the result is beyond your control. It’s essential to show up and act with your very best effort, and at the same time, you must release your grip on the outcome. Your task is to accept what comes. If you did your best and things didn’t turn out the way that you had hoped, you can say with confidence, “I have no regrets, since I did my best. The outcome is beyond me.”

Key ingredients to happiness

A balanced approach to a happy life involves the following:

• Focusing on what we can influence: Directing energy toward areas within our control.
• Embracing uncertainty: Accepting the uncertain future and that some things are unpredictable.
• Developing resilience: Building skills to cope with unexpected events.
• Accepting negative experiences: Pain and uncomfortable experiences are a natural part of the human condition.
• Practicing mindfulness: Being present and accepting of current circumstances.
• Setting realistic expectations: Understanding the limits of personal control.
• Removing attachment to outcomes: Maintaining equanimity regardless of the result.
• Bringing your best effort: Focusing on effort rather than outcome.
• Enjoying life: Finding joy and satisfaction in the effort and the learning involved.
• Focusing on the process: Shifting your attention to the journey rather than the destination.

Conclusion

We must embrace life with all its manifestations. We should accept our own role and responsibility and, just as importantly, the limits of our power. When we have a realistic perspective, we can clearly see what is beyond our control. If we let go of what we can’t control and focus on what we can effectively influence, our worry, stress, and anger will dramatically diminish. It is through influence, not control, that we can gain peace and harmony. So, accept the things you cannot change, and change the things you can.