Are You Deciding or Sliding in Your Love Life?

The longer a couple stays together, the more their joint identity grows. Staying together because of this can be problematic in the long run.

Source: Alex Green / Pexels

Are you actively deciding to move on to the next romantic stage of your love life, or are you simply slip-sliding along the route to what may seem like the next logical step?

After we decide to commit ourselves to someone, our decision-making process may change course.

What Is Commitment?

Commitment is based on both the individual’s particular personality traits as well as the interdependence of the individuals on one another. Put simply, people who need other people and feel needed by those people are more likely to commit to each other than those who don’t.

Suddenly, Rapunzel and her prince falling in love at first sight seems to make a lot more sense: Rapunzel needed her freedom, and every fairytale prince needs a romantic partner who just happens to be a helpless maiden.

But how do we know if our love will last the test of time?

According to science, relationships last when (1) people need or depend on each other and (2) the other options for potential mates aren't particularly appealing.

In 1980, researcher C.E. Rusbult added the idea of romantic investment to this equation.

The decision to stay in a relationship is also a result of the resources that could be lost if the relationship ends. This includes money, possessions, and emotional investments—in particular, how much you allowed that person to get to know you and your vulnerabilities.

In other words, there are times when we want to stay in a relationship simply because we have given so much of ourselves to it.

This is staying in a relationship for the sake of the relationship. Not because you love your partner.

However, the longer a couple stays together, the more their joint identity grows. At some point, it may start to feel as if staying with a partner is about your identity as a couple, rather than staying together because you love each other.

How Does a Relationship Best Survive?

A long-term relationship is likely to continue if (1) both individuals are happy within it and (2) the available options for alternative partners aren't super-appealing.

Research also shows that choosing pro-relationship strategies can increase the likelihood of a long-term relationship succeeding over time.

What is a pro-relationship strategy?

• Problem-solving strategies such as shaping behaviors to better suit your partner's wants and needs: For example, if a husband acts aloof and standoffish after a long day at work, which makes the wife feel distant and unappreciated, the husband could make an effort to speak and act more lovingly to his partner, while the wife makes an effort to take less personally the husband's behavior.
• Devaluing (and often demystifying) other potential suitors: For example, this could be reminding oneself that although the neighbor's husband is attractive and attentive to his partner's needs, the neighbor frequently sounds brusque and ill-tempered when they argue.
• Constructive responses to negative couple interactions: "I wish you wouldn't get so angry with me the next time I say something about how late you work. We need to both keep in mind that this situation is stressful for both of us" is a constructive response. "Stop yelling at me all the time!" is a much less constructive response.

What Is Sliding in Relationships?

Couples who live together before they marry tend to have:

• poorer communication
• lower relationship satisfaction
• higher levels of domestic violence
• higher rates of divorce

Researchers Stanley, Whitton, and Markman (2004) found that men who lived with their wives before they were married reported significantly less dedication to their wives than men who did not live with their wives before they were married. In 2005, Manning and Smock found that more than 50 percent of couples who live together report "drifting or sliding" into cohabitation, rather than having a conversation for the specific purpose of approaching the question of whether the couple feels that they are ready to live together.

The issue that comes up with sliding into decisions such as living together, having sex, having children, or even entering an emotionally volatile relationship is that there is a reduction in future options that is not being considered.

If a couple slides into sex, have they considered whether there is an expectation that neither will have sex with other people moving forward?

If you slide into the idea of having a child, has either person contemplated the possibility that if the relationship does not work out the possibility of ending up as a single parent may be lurking around the corner?

Conclusion

The question being raised is akin to a game of Chutes & Ladders. In this childhood game, you can get ahead by climbing a ladder that leads you on a path to a better future. On the other hand, if you happen to land on a chute—or, as in relationships, if you happen to slide into an important decision—you may miss the opportunity to separate your in-the-moment romantic notions from what is logically and rationally best for you both in the long run.