Do You Have a Friend Who Collects Grievances?

I received the following letter from a reader and I am answering it in a general manner because so many individuals I have worked with have dealt with or are currently dealing with this issue.

Dear Dr. G.,

I am confused, frazzled, and very upset. I have a dear friend who I met through mutual friends. We have been friends for over twenty years and have been through divorces, adoptions, and all sorts of life's ups and downs together. We have supported each other and have laughed and cried together. Two weeks ago, something terrible happened with this friend. I sent her a book for her birthday. She enjoys reading fiction so I sent her a very popular fiction book. Her response was very strange. She told me that this was the wrong present and that if I really knew her I would know that she already read this book. And, that was just the beginning. She then went on to tell me about all of the ways that I had wronged her over the past several months. Her complaints included: Not responding to texts quickly enough, not greeting her family properly at a recent celebration, and others. I was embarrassed and shocked. I can't remember ever experiencing this much anger from a friend. Please help. My main questions are whether or not other people have experienced such outbursts and how I should handle this. I have no idea what to do.

Dear Writer and Readers,

I think we have all experienced the wrath of grievance collectors. I hear this story over and over again in a variety of iterations and contexts. Consider the friendship that you cherish because you experience your friend as very kind and thoughtful. You, in turn, try to reciprocate by also being considerate and thoughtful. The next thing you know and you certainly don't expect is for her to blow up about something small like what the writer above experienced or perhaps being a few minutes late to meet a friend. You were excited to get together with her but as you meet her eyes, you see that she does not look happy. She then tells you that she is mad at you not only for being late but for a whole host of other issues that she now lists with a rage that you have never experienced before. You are more than blindsided. You are hurt and embarrassed. The confusion soon follows.

Or, consider the following scenario: You are dating someone and feel that the relationship is going very nicely. You start to get ghosted. That alone is very painful. You finally reach the person who you are dating. He surprises you with a list of all of the ways that you have wronged him.

What is happening in these situations? Are you simply misreading situations? Are you choosing angry friends? Are you losing your ability to pick up on social cues? Are you losing your mind?

I have reviewed these situations with individuals who have been blindsided by dear friends, partners, children, siblings, parents, colleagues, and others.

The answers to the writer's questions and the questions that I posed above are complicated but will probably be very helpful to anyone who has experienced the sting of a long list of carefully saved up complaints. And, this stinging can feel very much like emotional abuse especially when you are told that you basically have mishandled months and sometimes years of a relationship incorrectly. Individuals who collect grievances tend to be avoidant and non-confrontational. They avoid bringing up issues that trouble them and then reach a tipping point and rage at you when they feel that they have had enough. They also tend to be very rejection-sensitive and perceive slights where they don't necessarily exist. My first suggestion is to ask the upset friend if she is willing to talk to you after calming down. If she is willing to do this and agrees to bring up issues before she reaches her boiling point then you are in luck. The relationship can be saved. If, however, the friend is unwilling to process what happened and continues to engage in these sort of rages over time, you must consider how this friendship is affecting you. Is it viable? Do you feel like you are walking on pins and needles around the friend? The decision about whether or not to maintain this friendship is yours alone but my suggestion is to allow everyone to have some time to cool off before discussing what occurred.