A New Era of Engaged Fatherhood

This post is part two of a two-part series. Read part one here.

From the identity confusion that can arrive after extended paternity leave comes a more monumental family shift that we don’t often discuss.

Extended paternity leave offers men a shot at ushering in a new era of emotionally engaged fatherhood, one that grandchildren may inherit as a birthright.

Transforming Fatherhood

Fathers before us lived when earning, and caregiving had to be severed to fit the male breadwinner and female homemaker order. For many families today, this traditional arrangement still works great. But 41 percent of women in the United States are primary breadwinners and aspire to an integrated sense of their careers and creative selves. Fathers are searching for ways to meet this moment better.

Dads who know their family pediatricians' names and quietly handle a diaper disaster, who do the invisible executive functioning feats required to, say, plan a simple family trip, shift the intergenerational legacies of “adjunct” fatherhood. They enter into the new, uncharted family territory. And thanks to some parental leave policies, there’s a fresh opening for co-parents to evolve into versatile generalists—Jacks and Jills of paid and unpaid trades rather than specialists operating in distinct camps.

But the new American dad need not be celebrated. Instead of applause, dads need assistance from workplaces and policymakers. When leaders of organizations take their leave—and talk about it—it trickles down the chain of command.

New dads also benefit from more extended conversations with one another about the models of fatherhood that we hope to maintain or discard. Opening our hearts and minds to caregiving may require reconciling with our fathers’ legacies: making space in our relationships to mourn or contemplate the unlived version of fatherhood we’d imagined as boys looking up to (or down at) dads who lived in bygone eras.

When one person in a family system bucks a trend, others can be slow to adapt—including a partner’s reluctance to relinquish caregiving control. Dads who are active caregivers face such resistance, such as surprised looks, "Mr. Mom" labels from family, or subtle backlash from coworkers or superiors at the office about unread emails. It’s essential to name the isolation and loneliness many male caregivers feel.

Multidimensional Men

Paternity leave is as much about disrupting family dynamics, liberating moms, and helping our babies grow up right as it is about standing on our own two feet and unlocking new levels of personal growth. In taking paid leave, first-time fathers reconfigure the structure of who they are as men.

In his book Of Boys and Men, Richard Reeves points to a study indicating how men and women are equally likely to endorse that paid work provides them with “a great deal of fulfillment.” However, 43 percent of women of all ages stated that their children or grandchildren are sources of meaning for them; alarmingly, only 24 percent of men endorsed this.

A Pew Research Center poll finds that women find meaning from more sources than men. I’ve witnessed how extended time doing care work offers men self-complexity, a term used in psychology to identify the distinct sources of identity and meaning that people carry. So many dads today identify as caregivers as much as professionals, hauling the new mental load that comes with added complexity.

Too often, we attempt to inspire first-time dads to engage more fully with (understandable) exasperation. We question their willpower but instead ought to draw out what they stand for as parents and how the adversities of fathering build character and challenge us to reflect on and understand our own and others' inner worlds. In his book, Reeves alerts readers how boys and men have been facing a “general decline in agency, ambition, and motivation” (p. 81). In my clinical practice, I witness new dads begin to acclimate to their caregiver identity and build their sense of vitality.

Caregiving Essential Reads

How Couples Split Chores and Caretaking During COVID

What to Know About Being a Caregiver

When men diversify their portfolios of purpose, they grow more multitalented and venture into uncharted territories. Caretaking is a vast landscape beyond breastfeeding. It’s also a talent that many dads gained during the pandemic’s lockdown periods. And there’s evidence that dads have felt closer than ever to their children since the pandemic’s start. Research also suggests that new dads experience physiological changes. One study found that in new dads, increased time spent engaging in childcare influenced brain regions associated with empathy and social cognition.

Young boys don’t typically fantasize about fathering or rehearse being daddies during unstructured playtime. I sure didn’t—but I had no choice after the birth of my spirited daughters and falling for a woman with no intent to deprioritize her career. These factors developed my motivation to inject “dad” with more—to play dead-in-bed less and stumble into my daughters’ rooms at night after their nightmares.

Planning for a lengthy paternity leave encourages men to fantasize more fully about family life; it compels us to imagine what might matter most as our teeny ones grow into teenagers. From this immediate immersion, we become "self-made" in a different sense and reshape our kids’ understandings of what it means to be a dad.