The Problem With Cellphones

I’m writing to you from Mexico. I’m not there anymore, by the time you read this at least. But I am (or was) there. And as usual, I was observing people. That’s what I do. I observe.

As I sat drinking my morning coffee, I was overlooking a dozen beach cabanas filled with a dozen or so couples. All of them on their cellphones.

My initial judgment—"Gosh, you’re in this beautiful place and you’re buried in your phone.” I tut-tutted in my head and went about finishing my drink.

I looked over at my husband. He was reading me the weather from his phone. “Well, this is different from the couples on the beach. We have to figure out what the weather is… our scrolling has purpose.”

Later, we walked down a dusty street to grab something to drink. We went into one of those beachside spots that just screams mindful living—you know the spots—juices, smoothies, books placed on a shelf, palm trees, sand beneath your feet as you dine. But, I looked around and everyone was on their phones. I wasn’t on mine. I’d like you to believe it’s because I have great self-restraint but that would be a lie. My phone died on the walk.

I spotted an older couple in the corner. “They don’t have their phones out,” I thought, “they know how to be present with each other.” Then I turned back around and my husband had pulled his phone onto the tabletop and was scrolling.

I remember thinking…

• “That couple is probably judging us.”
• And then... “Why can’t my husband be present with me?"
• And then... “I only give a shit because my phone is dead. I would be on mine too if it weren’t for that.”

When we paid our check and left, I glanced at the older couple who was unknowingly mentoring me about the power of presence by being so very present with one another, only to find that they… were on their cellphones.

When I see patterns, I can’t help but try to think them through. Are we really living in a world where no one cares to give each other presence? Is every single couple that we pass completely disconnected? Is it that bad to do a little side-by-side scrolling? Are we doomed?

When I returned to our hotel, I took another glance at the couples on the beach. They were still on their phones but they didn’t seem particularly disconnected. I saw one partner look up, note that their partner was getting red from sunburn, and lovingly apply sunscreen.

Another couple was sharing something they saw on one of their phones—they were laughing about it and engaged.

A third couple, holding hands gently as they read an article or social post or watched a video—who knows—but what I do know is that they looked connected. No one looked distressed.

When I looked back over at my husband who was on his phone looking up baseball cards on eBay (I think I will need to peel this apart in a future newsletter), I started to question my earlier frustration. Why do I actually care if Andrew is on his phone right now? Would I be upset if it was a book instead? If he was journaling?

No, I don’t actually care that he is on his phone right now. We don’t have a kid to chase around together at this moment. There aren't any dishes in the sink. I have nothing particularly interesting to share with him. Just as the people on the beach also didn’t care.

From the time of my morning coffee, though, I had been making a judgment. It started with a judgment about what it means for other couples—but when you’re sticking your nose where it doesn’t belong and making judgment calls it tends to be more about what it symbolizes to you than it does to them.

When is cellphone use disengagement? Can it ever connect us?

To me, cellphone use when we are together, has come to symbolize disengagement. But I don’t even know if I created this symbol or just assumed its ownership. I wanted to rethink it. When does cellphone use feel like disengagement? When does it feel like what my husband lovingly calls (and highly encourages) “nothing box time”—the time we all need to go within—not in any reflective, hard work type of way—but in the disconnected, lazing about, type of way.

Relationships Essential Reads

3 Ways You May Be Acting Like a Jerk to Your Partner

5 Stages Every Successful Relationship Must Navigate

Can you answer these questions for your own relationship?

• When is cellphone use experienced as hurtful disengagement?
• When is cellphone use experienced as necessary “nothing box” time?

I don’t actually believe we always need to be connecting—with another person or even with ourselves. Sometimes mindlessness is ok.

Your Cellphone Use Philosophy

Cellphone use is a fairly popular issue in couples therapy. If you were a fly on my wall, you would hear most couples talk about their discontent about phones with each other.

So, it can be an issue. It can cause relational distress. But, the issue is rarely fully defined. Rather, one-size-fit all beliefs are developed around it:

• “Couples who love each other should put their phones away.”
• “When couples are together, they shouldn’t be on their phones.”

These beliefs then become catch-alls. In order to reserve energy, we lean into them time and time again without really considering the context. I took time to consider my one-size-fits-all beliefs about cellphones—your turn: What are your one-size-fits-all beliefs about cellphone use?

You can define your belief about cellphone use by considering your own philosophy. If you were ruler of the earth, what would you say people should do with their cellphones, particularly when it comes to relationships?

A great way to identify your philosophy is to start with the phrase “Couples should…” or “Couples shouldn’t…” Should and shouldn’t are often gateways to our deeper, often unspoken, philosophies.

Once you’ve got yours, ask your partner the same question. What is their philosophy about how couples should navigate cellphone use?

Understanding your individual philosophies around cellphone use will help you to be cognizant of what might be experienced as disengagement from your partner. You can use this as a starting point for a conversation and hopefully towards agreements around cellphone use within your relationship.