10 Relationship Lessons for My Teenage Daughter

If you could give your daughter relationship advice, what would you say?

Kelly Sikkema / Unsplash

When I talk, teach, or coach about relationships, there’s one common response that I get: “Wow! I wish I knew about all of this sooner.”

Learning about relationships once you’re older and more experienced is better than nothing. But the sooner you get high-quality information about relationships, the less heartache you’ll ultimately experience.

With that in mind, my daughter turns 16 this summer, so I wanted to get ahead of things a bit and impart some relationship wisdom to set her up for success.

As a relationship scientist who has studied dating and relationships for 20 years, I have many insights to share—frankly, more than she probably wants to hear. I didn’t want to push my luck, so I cut down a much longer list to focus on 10 key lessons.

I wrote these for her and wasn’t going to share beyond that. However, when my wife read them, they made her cry, and she said, “You have to publish these somewhere!” In 20+ years of marriage, I’ve learned to listen to my wife about these sorts of things, so I’m sharing the lessons here.

I should note that this list is for daughters simply because I happen to have a daughter. However, these tips apply to everyone throughout life.

Here’s the list I shared with my daughter:

1. You’re beautiful, but don’t let people fall in love with you for your looks. Prioritizing superficial qualities leads to superficial relationships. This goes for you, too. Don’t get distracted by physical qualities. Looks are temporary; character is forever.
2. You have to be the right person to find the right person. Before you focus on what you want in a romantic partner, focus on your own development. Relationship success isn’t about finding any partner; it’s about finding the right partner for you. Know who you are, love who you are, and be confident in who you are. She’s pretty amazing.
3. Chasing perfection is a trap. Don’t be too hard on yourself or others. Focus on progress, not perfection. When finding a romantic partner, you can have anything, but it’s almost impossible to get everything. Prioritize what’s important.
4. Every relationship problem has the same initial solution: communication. It’s the best way to keep problems small and solvable.
5. Never hide, minimize, or otherwise sacrifice your personality and identity. Anyone who truly cares for you will authentically love you for who you are and not try to change you. Don’t trade who you are for someone to be with.
6. Don’t expect someone to be right for you once they change. The fact is, people don’t change much. What you see is generally what you get. Don’t think, “I can change them.” You want a partner who is your equal, not a fixer-upper project.
7. Don’t use how someone feels about you to decide how you feel about them. When a person likes you, it feels good, but it isn’t impressive or unique. It’s expected. You’re awesome. They’re not the first person to like you, and they won’t be the last. Instead of wondering, “Do they like me?” ask yourself, “Are they good for me?”
8. Relationships require sacrifices. However, those sacrifices should be mutual and minor. The right person won’t require you to give up too much, and you won’t need to ask too much from them.
9. The best partners support your aspirations and your continual development. Find someone who will push you out of your comfort zone and nurture all the ways you want to grow.
10. Long-term relationship happiness relies on compatibility. Your romantic partner should be your best friend. They should be understanding, easy to talk to, caring, supportive, fun, respectful, and kind. Don’t accept anything less.

I hope these ideas give you something to think about and that you’ll return to them as often as needed to remind you of what’s important for a fulfilling relationship.