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Narcissism
Narcissism and Materialism: A Match Made in Hell
How feeling empty inside makes narcissists want to fill up on stuff.
Posted January 30, 2024 Reviewed by Hara Estroff Marano
Key points
- Narcissists feel empty on the inside and try to fill that emptiness with stuff.
- Psychologists say that narcissists like nice things for appearance's sake, but the need is deeper than that.
- People who have a robust sense of self should be less likely to be materialistic or hoarding.
Narcissism is characterized by a few fundamental traits that set it apart from other personality disorders. Perhaps easiest to see in the narcissist is that they are developmentally stunted individuals who can be of any chronological age but behave in ways that make them seem much younger, typically like toddlers, young children, or young adolescents. In short, they are grown adults who are more like children.
We all get cranky and need to take a nap sometimes. But they "are like children" in very fundamental ways, such as, seeing things from only their point of view; having little to no self-awareness; and lacking true empathy (here defined as being able to understand and connect with other people's feelings, thoughts, and actions). We've all seen the type at work, at school, in our families, and out there in the world.
Another related, fundamental character trait of narcissists is that, as adults living out a sentence of arrested development that began at a much younger age, they're not really people. It's not that they're aliens or nonhumans; they are biologically human beings like me and (hopefully) you, but they're not really persons, in the philosophical sense of a human being who has a self, with beliefs and intentions, with selfhood and a conscience. Tragically, they're more like "philosophical zombies" —imaginary beings that look like us and effectively mimic human behavior and emotions but are actually "dead" inside, similar to horror-film zombies only in that way.
In a physical, energetic sense, narcissists are like black holes, sucking into themselves everything around them in an attempt to fill the utter emptiness that comprises them. And this is where the materialism—or, when extreme, a tendency toward hoarding—comes into play. Psychologists have long noted that narcissists tend to enjoy the finer things in life—fancy meals at trendy restaurants, fine clothing, attractive partners, and flashy cars—and this tendency is usually portrayed as simply the narcissist wanting to project to the world an image of being attractive, successful —someone that others want to be around.
But I think this unhealthy obsession with materialism goes deeper for the narcissist. I do believe it's a fundamental need to try and fill up with stuff, to counter that deep-seated feeling of emptiness that comes from not having a sense of self, or any self-awareness, of not knowing what one believes or thinks or how one presents in the world unless there is constant mirroring from others.
I'm reminded of early modern philosopher George Berkeley's philosophical worry that if things existed only in the mind, then they might just "poof" disappear when one ceases to think about them. When I leave my house in the morning to go to work, does my house suddenly cease to exist once I'm focused on my commute and other things? Bishop Berekely, of course, overcame this philosophical worry with God: Have no fear because, even when we stop thinking about things in the world, their continued existence is assured by God's thinking about them.
In a sense, narcissists might feel like they would cease to exist without the constant reification from other people, from outside sources. Like plants need water, they need compliments, affirmations, and praise from without, because there's nothing within. By contrast, a healthy individual can spend time alone, can introspect, and feel confident that their self endures. For healthy people, their self-image is, of course, somewhat shaped by what the world tells them about themselves, but it is also composed from within, from an enduring sense of self that has independent thoughts, beliefs, intentions, and reflection.
On the surface, we see narcissists as self-absorbed and selfish, which they are. But they're not choosing to be this way. They are made this way, just as among belly buttons, some are innies and some are outies. Narcissists are psychological innies, drawing people, energy, attention, and stuff inward in an attempt to fill that inner void.
Healthy individuals, by contrast, are at least capable of being outies: Having a rich, full, well-developed self, they are able to focus outside themselves, on others' needs, wants, desires, dreams, and thoughts. In essence, you have to be a self to recognize another self. Wishing a narcissist could be more giving or empathic is like wishing your innie belly button were an outie. It's just not possible. It wasn't made that way.
