What Is Resilience?

Bouncing back from the pitfalls of life

Source: Liz Swan

I've been asked to write a piece on resilience for another venue and have been thinking a lot about it. What exactly is resilience? Whatever it is, it’s certainly enjoying its heyday recently as teachers, parenting experts, psychologists, and corporate thought leaders throw it around in the context of why we need it to succeed and why it’s largely lacking in Millennials and Gen Zers. Resilience is variably defined as different qualities or traits that boil down to the ability to "bounce back" in the face of disappointment and rejection.

The origins of resilience

We all know these two personas: one who gets rejected from a job and thinks it’s all over, or worse yet, won't even apply for jobs for fear of rejection or failure; and one who applies to hundreds of jobs, knowing this is all part of the game to get that one job offer. But how do these two types of people come about? That is what I want to understand. A lot of the books I’m finding on resilience are self-help, directed at individuals who want to be resilient in the face of tragedy, failure, losing a loved one, etc. But I’m having some difficulty finding sources on the origins of resilience, i.e., theories on why one sibling is resilient and ultimately successful in life while another is completely stymied in life when they were raised in the same household under the same conditions.

Internal vs. external locus of control

I think one major difference between resilient people and ‘brittle’ people, (i.e., those more likely to break, fall apart, or crumble when faced with adversity) is their inherent locus of control. I’ve written about this concept elsewhere in the context of why Gen Zers struggle so much with what most of us consider everyday stuff. An external locus of control surrenders personal responsibility and adopts world-blaming instead. This way of being in the world can feel good because when things go wrong, it’s never that person’s fault; they’re always the victim of some corrupt or unfair world that’s out to get them. The world happens to them.

They live by self-defeating thought patterns, such as: the world is unfair, everything is so hard, everyone wants to take advantage of me, etc. When one is convinced that the world is harsh and unfair, the person can evade the uncomfortable notions that maybe they didn’t measure up to their peers, or didn’t try hard enough, or just plain failed. It’s me versus the world, and the world is terrible, poor me.

By contrast, an individual who has an internal locus of control sees the world more objectively: some people are cruel, but others are fair-minded; some systems are corrupt and dysfunctional, but some people in those systems are nevertheless good and well-meaning; some people might be out to get me for whatever reason, but others can be trusted. When the locus of control is internal to the person, they are in control: They happen to the world rather than the world happening to them. The person here has a strong sense of self and attendant personal responsibility; they make decisions and take action on the world, creating their destiny while accepting there will be both rewards and disappointments. They’ll fail at some things and succeed at others. They are in charge of their lives and this belief in and of itself is healthy and empowering.

Resilience and being realistic about oneself

Another characteristic related to resilience is the ability to be realistic about one’s strengths, abilities, and goals in life. It’s often said that Millennials are “entitled” and Gen Zers are “lazy.” They want the best and they want it now. Clickbait social media mentality will turn anyone into an impatient junkie. They were raised on internet-borne instant gratification, which influences how they sound when they describe what they’ll do after college and how much they expect to make, etc. We created a monster and now we have to find Frankenstein a job with a juice bar. But seriously, a healthy sense of proportion is so good for us, mentally.

I’ll use an example from my own life. I recently applied for a teaching position at my home university—same institution but better pay and better job security. When I mentioned this to my friends, they said, of course you’ll get the job! You have a PhD and you’re already teaching there and have been for years, and your students love you. That’s nice and a simple way of looking at it. But I knew, given my extensive experience with rejection on the academic job market, that about 100 people would apply (in fact, 86 did, they told us), and some of them would have teaching profiles that more closely fit what was outlined in the job ad (I was about a 50% match), and who knows what else. So when I didn’t get an interview, I was okay with it and one month later had an interview for a position that more closely aligns with my current career trajectory.

I am a pretty resilient person. I feel disappointment and frustration and those very human feelings just like everybody else, but I consciously let myself feel those feelings for a few days and then I change the record: that job wasn’t perfect for me anyway; what else sounds exciting and appealing to apply for? And, more importantly, I know a rejection is not an insult to me personally; it’s a sign that someone else was better suited for the job, just like I will be better suited for whatever job I do eventually get.

Failure and learning to be resilient

What we see with a lot of Gen Zers are parents who wanted to do everything for their kids—which is the worst thing you can do. Essentially, micromanaging your kid’s life robs them of their inherent internal locus of control and convinces them they cannot accomplish things on their own. Then I see these kids their freshmen year of college and sure enough, they can’t manage their time, they’re homesick for easier times, and they’re overwhelmed by life.

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Kids and teenagers who fail—in sports, grades, friendships, jobs, romantic relationships—and learn how to cope emotionally and figure out next steps practically on their own are the best candidates for being resilient, successful adults who don’t blame the world for what’s gone wrong in their lives but instead take responsibility for what they can do better next time.

I think even as adults we can learn to spin the dial more internally: How can I present better on the job market and increase my chances of success? Rather than, this industry is so corrupt, I’d never want to work in it anyway. I think we can learn to have more realistic goals as well. For some, soul searching works. After leaving my tenure-track job in 2014, I had to recreate my professional identity and retool my career trajectory. For others, working with a life coach or job counselor may be more effective. Resilience is definitely something to work toward or embrace more fully because the alternative—being brittle, falling apart at disappointment, crumbling at rejection—is ultimately much, much harder to live with.