3 Top Goals for High School, College Admissions, and Life

Try Harder! media kit, used with permission

Teens (and parents) these days face many pressures and more sources of information and ways to feel “not enough” and inadequate. What might help? You could turn to Never Have I Ever season 4 to watch high-achieving-hot-mess Devi Vishwakumar deal with college admissions, assorted boy problems, friendship, and family. And there are countless books, prep courses, websites, and mentors to guide you. Or you could watch the fantastic 2021 Sundance-featured and New York Times Critic's Pick selection, the documentary film Try Harder! and see a half-dozen seniors at San Francisco’s Lowell High School navigate the college admissions journey. Lowell is known as one of the top public high schools in the country, and as a pressure cooker as well.

In September 2021, I moderated a panel discussion with the producer and director of Try Harder!, Debbie Lum, film subject and Brown University alum Rachael Schmidt, and Challenge Success director Denise Pope. (The full hourlong conversation is available on YouTube; this post summarizes some key points.)

College admission seems like the be-all and end-all. It's not.

In 2015, Hanna Rosin wrote an article for The Atlantic about suicide clusters at Gunn and Palo Alto High Schools in California. (Gunn and “Paly” are also considered top public high schools.) In an interview about that story (linked below), she said, “I go to the meetings (for my daughter’s school in Washington, DC) – 99% of the talk is things you have to do to get into college. This starts in freshman and sophomore year. It’s really almost all they talk about. And it seems strange to me. At the end of this meeting, I actually texted my daughter ‘Take whatever classes you want, and go to college in Canada.’ Those were my two sentences to her!”

There’s an overwhelming sense these days in many families that one’s whole life, from preschool to high school, should be aimed at elite college admissions. The formula youth and parents seem to adhere to is “great grades leads to great applications leads to great college leads to great, high-paying job lead to happiness.” This is the “performance-achievement myth” in practice, and is especially heightened for children of immigrants and Asian Americans, who have to contend with model minority myths as well. (See references below for a great talk by teenager Summer Yang, an interview with author Prachi Gupta about her memoir of growing up in an abusive, success-oriented environment, and my essay about scholar erin Khuê Ninh’s books on the sacrifices demanded of many Asian Americans, particularly girls and women.)

There is debate over whether elite colleges offer advantages, in terms of job placement or income. However, it is quite possible to get an excellent education at any of America’s 4000 colleges and universities. Experts agree it’s better to find the right “fit” for a particular teen’s needs, desires, and aptitudes. Moreover, the Grant Study of men’s health found that the single factor most relevant to happiness was the warmth of early life and later relationships. “Happiness is love, full stop,” proclaimed longtime study director George Vaillant.

What should be the goals of a high school education?

Believe it or not, it’s not cramming as many AP classes as possible in your schedule, or competing over how little sleep you got last night because you were studying.

My panelists landed on three essential goals:

1. Well-being. Mental and physical health are essential. Pope defined “well-being” as engagement and excitement with learning—cognitively, behaviorally, and emotionally—and thriving. She also noted that teens need 8-10 hours of sleep per night, but most in her survey only got half that. Lack of sleep and smartphone use clearly play major roles in the burgeoning teen mental health crisis.

2. Tools for life. Schmidt told us that gaining practical tools for getting through school, and other tools for life, were essential. I would suggest asking yourself what your values and goals are, and how you are suffering. Pay attention to what bothers you, and ask for help. You’ll then find the relationships and tools you need to get through.

3. Sense of self. Lum emphasized the importance of finding identity and a sense of self in high school, as well as beginning the process of individuating from your family group. I will write more about sense of self in a future essay, but I think it is composed of three parts:

• Narrative sense of self. Understanding your historical journey of identity, belonging, wellness and meaning, in the categories of love/relationships, work, wellness, and play.
• Relational sense of self. Who you are to others, and how they view you—but also putting a limit on how much other’s opinions matter to your sense of self.
• Experiential sense of self. Your relationship to yourself and your suffering in life; your inner experience, while growing in self-kindness and compassion to provide more stability to what can be a cauldron and crucible.

Recently, I met rising frosh in a send-off party for my alma mater. I surprised them by asking what their tips for life were, “because I need all the help I can get!” Their answers were heart-warming, inspiring, and wonderfully down to earth. Believe it or not, everyone’s learned something by the time they get to this age – and teens would also be wise to listen to themselves and each other. You can help each other get through.

Motivation Essential Reads

How to Improve Mental Health by Managing Expectations

Approaching Conflict With Your Romantic Partner

What challenges mental health?

In addition to smartphones and lack of sleep, competition and social comparison really challenge mental health. Debbie noted a joke she heard: “Lowell High School: Where your best hasn’t been good enough since 1856.” Teens and young adults often feel they are in a state of becoming, and striving for perfection. This might be amplified by family pressures. Immigrants and Asian Americans sometimes feel a particular pressure to perform for cultural reasons, or might be molded into a “model minority” stereotype in order to fit in and be acceptable. This can lead to “all or nothing” distortions about one’s identity, and unbounded feelings of failure, even over the slightest challenges. Also, students carry personal issues, such as mental health challenges, which may affect studies, which then affect self-worth. Some BIPOC students face devaluation and what’s called “stereotype threat” – making academic and life success against-the-stream propositions.

Self-esteem based on looks, achievement, status, and/or wealth is highly contingent and subject to social comparison and change. Self-worth based on one’s humanity and just being a person is much more stable. I recommend working on accepting oneself as one is, while also motivating oneself to grow. Mindful self-compassion offers great tools to support yourself as you build identity.

The longest journey is from the mind to the heart. I wish all the teens and young adults reading this a healthy journey of growth, belonging, and peace.

Try Harder is available on Apple TV, Hulu, and Amazon Prime.