Improving Family and Romantic Relationship Through Listening

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As my daughters grow up, I find that getting them to spend time talking with me is more challenging. After all, short clips on YouTube and the new game that just came out are much more interesting than Daddy. Many parents who have already gone through this phase told me that this would happen, but it is always more difficult when you actually experience it. The transition from the phase when my girls were little and interrupted me while I was working to make me play with them and take them outside to the phase in which I ask, “How was school?” and the most detailed answer I receive is “It was fine” before they go to their room was emotionally difficult for me.

Another challenge was to get my girls more connected with one another. The gap between my three girls is only five years (12, 10, and 7). However, as they grow up, age differences, even small ones, become more influential as each one has different interests.

A few months ago, I decided to try and overcome this new challenge by implementing a technique I have been researching for the past nine years, which has proven very effective in the workplace. This is called the listening circle. You can read about it here. What we did was set a family time where everyone had to be present; for us, it was Friday evening. There are no phones, tablets, or other distractions except snacks during this time. Each one of us had a speaking turn. During this speaking turn, the others listened without interrupting.

As in my experience in research in organizations, it took a few rounds, but the results were amazing. My girls started sharing and got really excited! They were so into the activity that they didn’t want to stop talking because they were so happy that the entire family was attentive toward them (and passed on Daddy’s turn a few times, not on Mommy’s, though). We originally set one hour for the family time. However, it lasted more than two hours. Not only that but after it ended, my girls went to play together instead of each one going to her room.

We have continued to do this activity every Friday ever since. It became a routine in the family and a really positive one. It was an important lesson about the importance of listening structures. One of the biggest misperceptions about listening is that it is effortless and equivalent to silence. This misperception often makes our conversation superficial and prevents us from really learning about and connecting with others.

Listening is a resource that requires time, effort, and motivation. Therefore, we need to create structures that will enable it. It is unrealistic to expect all (or even most) of our daily conversations to include high-quality listening. To allow the power of listening to work, we need to create the time and space that will allow it.

The same goes for our romantic relationship with our significant others. As the relationship gets longer, and especially after having kids, the conversations become more goal-oriented. For example: “When do we need to go grocery shopping?” “Where will we go on vacation?” “When will you finally get someone to fix the kitchen closet that has been broken for months?” (I still argue I can do it, but evidence from the past 15 years is not in my favor).

Couples will also benefit from creating a listening structure. My advice is to do a time-sharing exercise. Each partner gets a speaking turn in this exercise, while the other listens without replying verbally. Then, switch roles. The important part is not to speak about mundane everyday stuff, such as the kids’ teachers or your plans for the weekend. After each partner finishes their turn, you can have a free conversation about each of your disclosures. Importantly, choose a meaningful topic. Our daily lives are so hectic that we barely have time for profound conversations and introspection. If we want to introspect effectively, we need someone to listen to us. You can start with 10 minutes, five for each side. It might seem short, but my experience with students and in workshops has taught me that getting used to it takes time. In the beginning, even two minutes per side might seem like 20. However, the more you do it, the longer you can go, and the better it will affect the relationship.