7 Steps to Defuse Our Most Dangerous Emotion

We all want the same thing: to feel valued by someone else. This ancient survival truth has an enormous influence on everything we do. When we feel valued, we feel safer. Respect leads to value. Value leads to trust. And trust is based on the neurohormone oxytocin, the cuddle chemical. [1] It is that feeling you get when you know that someone else sees you as amazing.

But when we feel devalued, our survival response can activate instantaneously. This primordial fight-flight-freeze response is housed in the ancient part of our brain called the limbic system. Anger is the fight branch of fight-flight-freeze. Of all the emotions like happiness, sadness, envy, or anxiety, our brains are designed to recognize anger the fastest, within 39 milliseconds, or less than the blink of an eye! [2] This makes sense from an evolutionary perspective. It was much more important to know if you were looking at me as lunch than if you were hungry. If someone else is angry, I could be in danger, because aggression is the enactment of anger.

Anger happens. We can devalue another on purpose, but more often unwittingly. And if you are doing it, your partner is doing it. They, too, may sometimes devalue you on purpose, but even in the best relationships we can unwittingly devalue our partner and get them angry.

There is nothing wrong with anger: it’s what you do with it that matters.

Here are 7 steps to manage your anger, and anyone else’s anger with whom you have a relationship. It is as applicable to romantic relationships as the workplace, and even when waiting in a long and annoying grocery line.

1. RECOGNIZE RAGE Anger is an emotion designed to change things. We get angry when we want someone to do something different; start doing something or stop doing something. When you or your partner is angry, the first thing to wonder about is what do you or they want to see happen differently. Think about this every time you feel angry, or if someone else feels angry. Take a pause, put your hand on your forehead (right behind which is your pre-frontal cortex or PFC, and wonder, what do I want to see happen differently?

2. ENVISION ENVY Envy stems from the idea that you don’t have enough and that someone else has more, placing you at a potential survival disadvantage. Sounds simple, right? But at its root, envy stems from one's own self-image—the lower the self-esteem, the more envy. In a relationship, you may think someone has more than you: more money, a better job, a more rewarding relationship, and other things. If they have more, they could have an advantage. That advantage gives them more value, and the perception of more control in the relationship. If they have more value, then we have less. And if we have less value it puts us at risk.

Envy can be used as a motivator: if you think someone else has more than you, what steps can you take to reach that new level? You don’t need to bring someone down to do it. Instead, you can reach those new heights on your own road to success.

3. SENSE SUSPICION The flip side of envy is suspicion, and it is every bit as primal. Suspicion originates with the fear that someone will take what’s yours—or what should be yours—and leave you out in the cold. If you have ever felt your anxiety rising when waiting for your partner to show up, and wondering why they are late, you are sensing suspicion. Are they late because they are interested in someone else, with more value? We fear we will be seen as less valuable.

When you think someone is trying to bring you down, the reframe is to recognize that they do see you as valuable. You can use this shift to help that other person to achieve. We don’t need to have a society of competition when cooperation can do so much more for all of us.

Every human being gets angry at some point. We all get angry when we feel envy or suspicion. These first three steps are how to manage your anger. But it is not always your anger that gets in the way of your success. Very often, it is someone else’s anger that gets in the way of your success: their rage, their envy, or their suspicion. These next four steps are how to manage someone else’s anger.

4. PROJECT PEACE Our brains have evolved the ability to mirror other people’s emotions. These mirror neurons can activate your anger when someone else is angry. But you can also use your mirror neurons to calm the angry brain of the other person. By projecting peace, you communicate that you are not a threat, and the other person does not need to be envious or suspicious.

5. ENGAGE EMPATHY Empathy is based on our ability to wonder what someone else is thinking or feeling. As soon as you engage empathy, you send a message that the other person’s anger is important, and you want to know more. Empathy increases the other person’s value. And whenever you remind someone of their value, you increase your own value.

Anger Essential Reads

The Best Ways to Manage Anger

Mastering Irrational Anger—Yours and Others'

6. COMMUNICATE CLEARLY Language is the most amazing and important invention we have ever created. With language and communication, we have the opportunity to learn from someone why they are angry. What do they want to see happen differently?

7. TRADE THANKS Most of the time in our culture when someone says “Thank you,” the other person says “You’re welcome.” This means you are now part of my group, I am not envious of you, nor suspicious. Instead, you have reminded me of my value, which makes me feel safer.

I like acronyms. The acronym of the seven steps is: RESPECT. Being respected feels great. When was the last time you got angry at someone treating you with respect? Respect helps to reduce anger. And even though respect is a two-way street, don’t give respect only when you feel respected: Just give respect. It is the key to defusing our most dangerous emotion.

There is nothing wrong with anger: it’s what you do with it that matters.