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Key points
- For many if not most people, sex is a critical aspect of an intimate relationship.
- No two people always agree on when to be intimate.
- Having sex you don’t want can backfire - you may start to dread intimacy.
- If you want to have sex but are not feeling into it, here are ways to get in the mood.
Your partner wants sex, and you don’t – but you would like to rally for them. It’s a common predicament, because no two people always agree on the right time to fool around. Of course, just because your partner is interested, doesn’t mean you should respond enthusiastically. In no universe is that approach realistic or appropriate.
However, for most people, sex is an important part of intimacy. Going without such deeper connection can leave people feeling isolated, disconnected, and even unloved. Intimacy is a precious gift for your partner, a complex combination of your tenderness, attention, love, sensual touch, and sexual pleasure.
But just showing up for sex is probably not enough. After all, sex with an unenthusiastic partner is less than pleasurable. Sometimes clients in my therapy room describe sex with an unenthusiastic partner as uncomfortable, demeaning, or hurtful. This is one reason why some people prefer masturbating than having sex with their partner – for some, porn is more engaging.
So, if you want to want sex, your challenge is finding genuine enthusiasm so that you can embrace the experience and enjoy yourself. Finding your own pleasure is critical because if you regularly have sex you don’t want, you’ll start to dread sex. You’ll expect sex to be bad, which ensures that it will be - not a pleasant cycle! Instead, here’s how to make it good for you:
Step 1: Be open and curious about what sex can be for you.
Each sexual experience is unique. It’s unlikely that you will enjoy yourself if your body and mind are closed. Recognize that this is a new, unexperienced moment in your life. It is from this place of openness that you can give and receive love.
Step 2: Appreciation: think of all the reasons you love and admire your partner.
How have they enhanced your life? What are their challenges and struggles? Connecting with these tender feelings for your partner opens your heart and body, enhancing your desire to be close. Use this as a moment to show your partner how much they mean to you, and that their needs matter to you.
Step 3: Get yourself a little turned on first.
Don’t go into the situation cold. It’s unlikely that foreplay with your partner will get you off if your body isn’t already a little bit excited. Take a few minutes to warm yourself up. You can masturbate a little, watch a little porn, or listen to an erotic book on tape. Remind your body that you are a sexual being. Getting your body in the game before you team up with your partner will help make what comes next more enjoyable.
Step 4: Allow yourself enough foreplay time.
Foreplay is important when your body isn’t quite ready for sex because it facilitates blood flow to your genitals, making touch feel better. Otherwise, touch is likely to feel intrusive or unwelcome. It also gives you time to connect to your partner. Taking extra time for foreplay allows you to start slow, so that by the time your genitals are involved, your body is eager for more.
Step 5: Don’t put pressure on yourself to orgasm.
Setting a goal like that can make it difficult to relax and simply enjoy the moment. If you are forcing your desire, you’re likely to feel frustrated rather than passionate. It takes you out of the moment, which is exactly where your focus needs to be for you to feel pleasure.
Step 6: Stay present in the moment.
Sex is a fabulous opportunity to practice mindfulness because your thoughts have the power to diffuse excitement in seconds. Critical or anxious thoughts can ruin a sensual moment just as fast as you think them. Instead, maintain a focus on your body, your breath, and the feeling of your lover’s body moving with you.
As relationships age, the longing for sex with your intimate partner may decrease. But that doesn’t imply that sex will be unsatisfying. Rallying for sex can be a loving gesture that is ultimately good for both of you, if you approach it with an open heart and mind. It’s normal and appropriate to say no sometimes - it’s inconceivable that both partners will always want sex at the same time. But when your body isn’t on board and you still want to say yes, these tips can help make it good for you, too.
