Life Hurts but Closing Down Hurts More

Life is super complicated and often quite challenging. Even on good days we must cope with emotions like disappointment, hurt, frustration and worry. Bad days can amp up these emotions considerably.

What all of life’s challenges have in common is that they close us psychologically and physically, whether we are consciously aware of it or not. It’s like automatic body armor that engages almost instinctively for self-protection. We may shut down emotionally, meaning we disconnect from feelings altogether, or feel only emotions that make us feel empowered, like anger. Our muscles tense and becomes more rigid, our bodies tighten and close.

These are processes designed to shelter us, keep us safe, and most importantly prevent further pain. What is also true, however, is that these efforts to self-protect can easily backfire, ultimately leaving us less connected to ourselves and to others. In any moment, we are likely in a process of opening or closing. Closure means being less able to give love freely, as well as a reduced ability to take love in.

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How Our Psychological Armor Can Affect Our Sex Lives

What does all this have to do with sex? Less connection to yourself means less awareness of libido and the pleasant sensations involved in opening your body and heart. Less connection to others means you don’t get to experience the exquisite sensations of giving and receiving love. In this way, all of life’s challenges can easily find their way into your bedroom and mess with your sex life.

Sex can become robotic, lifeless and boring, and touch could lose its pleasure – your body might even stiffen in response to more intimate connection. Vulnerability can feel intolerable and cause you to avoid all physical contact – sexual or otherwise. And since vulnerability is a critical aspect of intimacy, even laying naked next to your partner could leave you feeling cold.

It’s easy in these moments to blame your partner for your reaction, because we don’t always notice how closed we’ve become. Masturbation becomes more comfortable than sexual intimacy, an efficient way to manage sexual desire. Rather than feel compassion for your partner’s very human mistakes, you could become judgmental and annoyed. In fact, much of life can become irritating. Closure has a way of slowly and methodically eradicating your humanity.

This dynamic is further complicated by the fact that much of what we do to cope with life’s challenges can paradoxically intensify their impact. Rather than making us more accessible and open to connection and pleasure, the overuse of coping strategies like alcohol, food, TV, or video games can have the opposite effect – we become less available to ourselves and the people around us. It’s not a problem if these strategies are used sporadically, or for shorter periods of time. It becomes a problem when they consistently prevent intimacy with ourselves or others. If we don’t have a way to counteract this natural closing process, as we age we risk feeling less engaged by the world, less intimate with our partner, less interest and pleasure in sex.

How to Counteract Closure

But the good news is that there are many effective ways to help yourself melt, relax, and open to the world around you and to your lover if you have one. Yoga, for example, helps many people counteract closure – as does meditation or a gratitude practice. These disciplines help bring you back into your body and heart. Anything that gives you the sensation of releasing and letting go – journaling, talking to a trusted friend or therapist, even holding a beloved pet if you intentionally allow that experience to open your heart – can help you accomplish the same goals. Similarly, if something makes you feel spiritual, you are on the right track. The trick is that you will need to develop a regular opening practice because life consistently closes us. Think of whatever process you engage in as a lifelong discipline, not an occasional indulgence. Making the time for this kind of self-care is challenging for sure, but not making this time will ultimately cost you more in uncomfortable feelings and disconnection.

Life is often challenging, and challenges take their toll on our minds and bodies. Counteracting our natural tendency to close may require energy you don’t feel you have. But managing life feeling isolated from yourself or others is no solution. Deep connection is a powerful reward that helps us manage the inevitable difficulties of life. Don’t deny yourself the experience of your humanity. We aren’t robots ... yet.