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Key points
- Many elements impact our enjoyment of sex - some more obvious than others.
- Orgasms during masturbation can be more intense than orgasms during partnered sex.
- Identifying specific ways to make partnered sex more enjoyable can strengthen your romantic relationship.
I logged into my virtual therapy app a few minutes early, in time to problem solve should my new client, Tim, have any issues with our remote connection. Thankfully technology cooperated, and we wasted no time getting started.
Tim repeated what he told me on the phone – he had been living with his girlfriend for just over three years. For the last year she had been asking for more sex, and lately she was getting increasingly angry about it. Tim told her his libido was low, and she believed him. He certainly worked long hours – working remotely saved him a trip to the office, but somehow lead to longer workdays. He simply couldn’t get away from his computer. But the truth was, when he was horny, Tim preferred porn to sex. Exhaustion from work was a good excuse, but Tim knew he couldn’t use it forever. He called me because he loved his girlfriend and he wanted to want sex with her again. She didn’t know he was seeing me, and he said straight up he had no intention of telling her. My inviting her in for a session was obviously out of the question.
Tim was ready to talk. Sometimes clients prefer virtual therapy, in that they feel more comfortable talking from home or somehow safer when not sharing physical space with a therapist. Tim seemed to be one of those clients. His story wasn’t as unique as he expected. He watched porn a few times a week – sometimes more, rarely less. It wasn’t like masturbation was a huge part of his life. It’s just that when he wanted a sexual experience, he wanted it solo.
Of course, this concern can be complicated and nuanced. Many people relate to the experience of choosing masturbation over sex, at least on occasion. But Tim’s consistent choice of porn over his partner ran the risk of ruining his intimate relationship. If you related to Tim’s predicament, here are some of the more common explanations for your sexual challenge:
1. Sex with your partner just isn’t that exciting. Maybe your partner isn’t a very enthusiastic lover, and you don’t feel particularly desired. Or perhaps sex has become so rote that it’s predictable and boring.
Solution: Talk to your partner about ways you’d like to make sex more exciting for both of you. Ask them to communicate their desire more obviously, with sounds or movement. Explain to them that their desire turns you on. Suggest some things you’d like to try – ways of touching, role play, or new sexual positions.
2. It’s easier for you to orgasm when you are flying solo. Many (most?) people find this to be the case. That’s because you can control the stimulation – you know exactly how and when to touch yourself to create the most intense experience. Sometimes people think it’s the porn that makes masturbation so exciting. That could be, but often porn is just a vehicle for your mental focus, and it’s your touch that’s key.
Solution: Suggest to your partner that you masturbate for each other. In this way, you can learn what works best for them, and they can do the same with you. Masturbating for each other is actually very vulnerable feeling, and thus exciting, sex play.
3. You feel disconnected from your partner emotionally. Maybe you feel disrespected or rejected by them, but you aren’t talking with them about it. It’s very difficult to be intimate with someone when uncomfortable emotions separate you.
Solution: The only way out of difficult emotions like this is through them. That means you have to talk with your partner about what’s upsetting you. If talking feels like too big a step, maybe you can start by writing them a letter. Try to express yourself at a time when you are calm so that you can speak kindly and respectfully. Otherwise, if you are on the attack, all your partner will see and hear is your anger, and they won’t receive the message underneath. If all this feels too challenging, that’s what therapists are for!
4. You have sexual concerns and feel anxious or ashamed during partnered sex. As a result, you feel so much performance anxiety that it becomes challenging for you to feel pleasure during sex.
Solution: Explain to your partner that sexual concerns are interfering you’re your sexual pleasure. Ask for their compassion as you seek help. Practice mindfulness meditation to help with performance anxiety. Talk with your doctor and/or a sex therapist to develop a treatment strategy. You can find sex therapist referrals at www.aasect.org or www.sstarnet.org. There’s lots of help out there – there’s no need to struggle alone.
5. You like something kinky that you are either too embarrassed to share with your partner, or you’ve tried to share it and your partner isn’t receptive.
Solution: See if you can bring elements of kink into your partnered sexual experience in subtle ways. You can watch some kinky porn right before sex, fantasize about it during sex, or find ways to create the emotions you feel while expressing your kink (vulnerable, desirable, humiliated, whatever).
Preferring masturbation to partnered sex is likely to negatively impact your intimate relationship over time. If you’d like to avoid that possibility, then follow Tim’s example and seek help. In therapy, Tim realized that performance anxiety and unresolved anger were impacting his sex life more than he realized. Ultimately, instead of guiltily and secretly watching porn, Tim worked to develop more exciting sex with his lover. You, too, can learn how to use what turns you on when masturbating to your advantage with your lover!
