Are Dating Apps Ruining Your Love Life?

I should preface my concerns about what the accessibility of so many online dating websites and apps is doing to our ability to find meaningful romantic partners by sharing that I was fortunate in finding my partner via a dating website. However, as social scientists know, our anecdotal experiences don’t always match up to the scientific evidence. And while finding a partner online remains one of the top ways that people couple up, if users lose focus regarding what their intentions are, it is easy to get caught up in the distractions afforded by the apps.

Anyone who has participated in one or more dating apps is likely familiar that in terms of quantity, it appears that there are an infinite number of potential partners. Quality, however, is harder to discern. Sherry Turkle (2015), prominent researcher at MIT, dedicates an entire chapter to dating online in her most recent book “Reclaiming Conversation: The Power of Talk in the Digital Age”. She writes that, “it has never been easier to think of potential romantic partners as commodities in abundance” (180). Indeed, when there it is a seemingly infinite number of potential dates to choose from, any minor imperfection can be grounds for dismissal, fueling the notion that the next swipe or profile will be even more desirable or perfect than the last one.

Ironically, social scientists have identified what is referred to as a “paradox of choice,” meaning that while we think we would be happier if we had more choices, constrained choice often leads to a more satisfactory life. Of course, I am in no way suggesting that in the quest for love or companionship that anyone settle, however it is important to recognize that an endless stream of potential candidates in love could become overwhelming and counter-productive.

To get the most out of dating apps, users may want to ask themselves what their intentions actually are—is it to get attention from as many people as possible, to seek out as many dating candidates as possible, to give anyone you match with at least one face to face meeting? The possibilities are seemingly as endless as the options of dating partners. Moreover, your intention may conflict with how you use the dating platform if you don’t remain vigilant in staying on goal as a user.

For those who seek a meaningful connection that has the potential to develop into a relationship, try taking the online communication to a face to face encounter as soon as safely possible. There are significant differences between meeting someone in person—whether crossing paths by accident, through mutual family or friends, or at a social gathering—versus meeting them online. Our online selves—whether on social media or when we are explicitly seeking a romantic mate—is more performance than authenticity. So while whatever dating app we are using doesn’t capture the many complexities of ourselves, it also sells potential dating candidates short as well (especially when prominent space is given to pictures, versus other important details).

Additionally, chemistry and intimacy requires face to face interaction, awkward as it may be at the start of meeting someone new. Spending too much time during the “get to know” phase online may distort the true identities of both parties, both raising expectations for the actual face to face encounter while creating a false sense of intimacy. Moreover, the longer time spent navigating online the greater the likelihood that all parties are also seeking out additional dating candidates as well—the commodification of the process can only by tempered by face to face interactions that humanize the other person.

While it would cut off so many possibilities for love if one were to forsake all dating apps or online opportunities, my advice to those seeking an authentic connection is to be both vigilant and mindful of how you use the apps and navigate the profiles. The anonymity afforded to us online, in addition to the expectations loaded on social media and other platforms can turn our identities into perhaps more perfect but also less real versions of ourselves.

Never lose sight of the fact that these are actual flesh and blood people you are interacting with, and that they will come with the same imperfections or quirks that you do—the key is to finding that special someone whose imperfections match well with your own. A process that can only occur with conversation in the real world—awkward, unpredictable and rife with possibility—all the variables needed for attaining that elusive but meaningful love connection also require navigating off of a screen.

Azadeh Aalai Copyright 2017