When Friendships Satisfy the Need for Love and Nurture

In 1950, German psychoanalyst Karen Horney, an expert in anxiety and women's inhibitions, was on NPR to discuss the over-emphasis on love. In her book, Feminine Psychology, she said that some women’s identities are thwarted by the fact that they feel incomplete, inferior or at odds without the love of a man. The assurance that they are desired is a driving force. Romantic love or the fear of losing it can cause suppression of vital parts of herself.

A woman in the film Out of Africa, based on the book by Karen Blixen, captures the inner conflict between the craving for love and the wish for freedom when she says, "I want to be desired, but I want to be left alone." A popular saying in the seventies—"A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle”—implies that there is no need for a man or perhaps any partner, at all. A fish may not need a bicycle but it might need other fish.

While room to breathe or a room of one's own may be essential, we all have dependency needs. Satisfying them while maintaining a healthy separate self is optimal. Fierce, rigid, defensive assertions of independence, and the "splendid isolation/I don't need anyone," position can feel powerful. Yet, this protective device or defense often masks the true concern or fear. Defenses can prevent the emergence of the real need for connection and the satisfaction of this need.

Connection and belonging protect health, capability, creativity and identity for many people as we know from the work of Abraham Maslow. Research from Robert Waldinger and the Harvard group has shown that relationships are the number one factor for well-being. Identities, health and happiness are largely determined by our relationships—internalized figures from the past, those we connect with in the present. Others shape us, ground us, help us grow and give us strength. Inclusion of the other in the self, a concept developed by social psychologist Arthur Aron, captures the idea that the needs and concerns of a beloved other change our identities. Decisions, motivations, priorities and desires shift because of our deep bonds to others, as they should. Allowing this to be the case is a form of love that conveys an evolved psychological position.

The pursuit of a mate and an exclusive relationship is a common way to satisfy the need for belonging, identity and connection. As an aside, healthy attachment also facilitates inner freedom because ideally the feeling of safety helps one explore, emerge and do in natural and non-anxious ways. Separate activities and interests can nurture the relationship as well as the individual. Closeness between two people may, paradoxically, include empathy for the other's need for periodic separateness. Coupledom can also be limiting, lonely or oppressive. Conflicting needs between the two and within the self that have not been communicated, processed, well-managed or even identified can cause strife.

Recent thinkers, such as the French philosopher and writer Alain De Botton, suggest that we have been misled by a Hollywood ideal of romantic love. From Disney movies to classics, the denouement is commonly the coming together of a pair who live happily ever after. This "dream" does us a disservice because happily-ever-after is rarer than we'd like to think. Divorce rates hover around 50% and long-standing partnerships are often fraught with tired arguments, chronic misunderstandings, impasses, loneliness or the weight of responsibilities. Ending the partnership may be necessary but destructive for families and painful for the pair. It is tempting to think that formal arrangements such as marriage will be protective but signed documents and spoken oaths do not always deliver the safety, security and care one hopes for.

The pursuit of a partner is a common goal and cultural more, but it is less common to be as intentional about establishing a network of close friends to satisfy the human need for connection and belonging. The latter could be a preferable option, for certain people, at certain phases of life or in the aftermath of an oppressive partnership. The role of friendship in well-being is crucial, yet not extensively covered in the literature, as Atlantic journalist Jennifer Senior has noted. Helping people create a mindset shift to prioritize meaningful friendships could be a therapeutic intervention. The friendship network model offers some really great possibilities for happiness.

Changing our set of assumptions, our mindset, about how to meet human needs for love and belonging is helpful. A wider network with a few trusted companions can do much for psychological well-being. This fluid model of puzzle-piece love, arriving in bits and chunks from different places and people, may carry a feeling of uncertainty, as well as warmth and excitement. Learning to manage uncertainty and being nimble is useful in love and in life. We may not feel as grounded with this model of love, but we may be happier overall.

Establishing and maintaining a tribe or a few strong, reliable, individual friendships takes constancy, responsiveness and initiative. The first step may be the hardest because reaching out can be hard. One might fear rejection or be too focused on making a good impression, so one resists. Establishing an inner method for managing one’s own resistance helps. One way is to develop the surety that you will be giving. Being a great listener and curious about the other in a genuine way, for example, conveys that you are interested in a reciprocal situation. There is something about getting past your own resistance and fear that boosts confidence and mood and gets the momentum going for the mutuality you seek.

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As Eleanor Roosevelt said, "Do one thing every day that scares you."