Coping With a Smear Campaign Post-Estrangement

Source: Photograph by by Katernya Hliznitsova. Copyright free. Unsplash.

Alicia’s decision to estrange from her family of origin had been close to a decade in the making after efforts to limit her parents’ contact with her two boys and set meaningful boundaries. The final straw that broke the proverbial camel’s back involved her sons:

“Neither of my kids is particularly athletic but they both enjoy participating in sports; Todd is part of the swim team even though he is usually an alternate and rarely gets to compete. He doesn’t seem to care; his best bud is the captain and he likes the camaraderie. Jim is three years younger and is part of the track team. Same deal. My father is embarrassed by their showing and has taken it upon himself to talk to the coaches which is so not okay. HUGE fight and he did not back off. I made it absolutely clear that his inference was unwelcome and inappropriate and he basically called me a lousy mother for making my kids into ‘losers.’ He has coopted my two brothers and even involved the minister of the church we attend. Which I am now debating leaving.”

Loyalty to family narratives

The reality is that experiences in dysfunctional families may differ significantly and that, indeed, your sibling or siblings may have a completely different take on your parent or parents’ behavior; some of this has to do with parental favoritism which is so common that it has its own psychological acronym (PDT or Parental Differential Treatment), good of fit (a parent finds one child easier to parent because of likeness or similar personalities), or the scapegoating of one child as the source of the family’s discord.

While it may feel that your other family members are denying your truth, the bottom line is that their own narrative—and their investment in it—is likely to trump any interest she or he might feel in being your ally. Yes, it feels aggressive but the truth is that it may not have anything at all to do with you but the narrative the person is protecting.

Recognizing limits (and your own powerlessness)

As someone who did estrange, I recognize that the desire to “win” this situation—to bring people into your fold to validate your actions and thoughts—is a phase each of us is likely to go through. But—there is almost always a “but”—learning to make peace with the loss ultimately is what heals us.

Learning to make peace with the loss

And, yes, the loss is real, even if your family of origin is toxic and hurtful. The loss can take many forms over time; you may think it is over and done with only to have it triggered by a memory or even watching other families interact. Many who estrange are surprised by the range of emotions they feel—from relief to raw anger to complex pain—but these are neither unusual nor anomalous. For more, see here.

In the end, your power to decide your intimate circle is what matters most.

These ideas are drawn from my books Daughter Detox and Verbal Abuse and interviews with readers.