Verified by 
Key points
- While it is true that reconnection is often elusive, some obstacles can be dealt with proactively.
- A parent's beliefs about parenting and specifically what a parent is "due" can be the biggest roadblock.
- Adult children are likely to demand a visible change in parental behavior and treatment and set "rules".
As someone who’s neither a psychologist nor a therapist and whose writing career, of late, has been devoted to advocating for adult children whose emotional needs were unmet by their parents or who were neglected, ignored, or verbally abused, this may seem like an odd subject for me to turn to. But the observations in this piece should be of value since they are drawn from what adult children who are either fully estranged from one parent or two or have deliberately limited and very low contact have described as what they wish had happened—and didn’t. As someone who was fully estranged from her sole surviving parent when I was 38—after close to two decades of cycling in and out of low contact and no contact—I too wished that my mother had, at least, been able to do some of these things. Alas, she could not.
Yes, this piece is deliberately one-sided. Were I writing for estranged adult children looking to reconcile, the advice would be very different.
6 Things You Need to Do Before Attempting Reconciliation
This advice is offered in the spirit of helpfulness but it is also meant to spur some recognition in you, the estranged parent. While it’s true that some adult child-parent estrangements are initiated by parents (roughly 12 percent), the lion’s share are set in place by adult children. Like it or not if you are seeking rapprochement, you are not in a position of power which, understandably, may make you uncomfortable. But going hat in hand is never comfortable, is it?
1. Examine why you want to reconnect. The reasons parents pursue reconciliation are as various as the reasons adult children estrange to begin with. A parent’s motivation is undoubtedly the key because it will determine pretty much how you will act and react. Do you actually miss your child and really want an opportunity to have a relationship with her or him? Do you regret the missed opportunities you had to know him or her?
Or, alternatively, are you embarrassed by this very public fissure and what it says about your parenting? Or are you trying to get access to a grandchild or grandchildren whom you believe you have a “right” to see? Or do you need something from your adult child that you didn’t before? Or do you want an opportunity to “set the record straight?” If you are motivated by any of these, you can trust that it won’t work. You might as well stop reading now.
2. Let go of your defenses and “reasons." It is understandable that you feel defensive—rejection hurts as does estrangement—but you have to be able to somehow shift onto neutral ground and begin with acceptance. Any defensiveness or rationalizations you bring to the table—that you weren’t as bad as all that, that you did the best you could, that you had your reasons for parenting as you did, and more—will only solidify your adult child’s conviction that you are not capable of listening, much less changing.
3. Be prepared to actually hear what your adult child has to say. Now that parental estrangement is actually being talked about more, one of the persistent myths is that of the adult child who cuts contact without saying a word; this scenario—of a fit of pique presumably over something minor—gets repeated over and over again in public forums and elsewhere. Or that the adult child was co-opted by a therapist who encouraged the rupture. It’s a big world out there and, yes, perhaps there is an adult child who cut off during a hissy fit or was convinced by a rogue therapist but these are usually myths, not truths. Daughters and sons usually take years, if not decades, to decide on estrangement and, yes, they generally confront their parents about their treatment before reaching a decision. The problem is that they are usually brushed off defensively, told that they are “too sensitive” or that they are making things up or have faulty, flawed memories. For an adult child who already feels unseen and unheard, these pushbacks are sometimes the final straw and, indeed, at that point, they may “ghost” their parent or parents because talk seems pointless.
4. Park your “two sides to every story” stance by the door. From your adult child’s point of view, you had the megaphone to voice your opinions of him or her or anything else throughout childhood and, if you want to reconcile, you must put that megaphone down. Most estranged parents I have heard from resort to the “two sides” trope either by way of explanation or defensivemess but, again, taking this stance marginalizes what your adult child is trying to tell you. Bottom line: don’t do it.
5. Examine your beliefs about what a parent is “owed” by a child. These beliefs, both articulated and unarticulated, can quickly derail any progress you may be able to make on the reconciliation front. Reverting to a stance that a parent is “owed” respect by a child, no matter how that parent has acted, is a showstopper as is insisting that your memory of events is the accurate one because you were the parent. (In certain contexts, that is simply gaslighting. My own late mother did it all the time.) Your adult child, Biblical commandments not withstanding, is more likely to believe that respect is earned.
If you are married, it is important that your spouse be on board with this too. If he or she has a problem with it, you have a problem in terms of being able to reconcile.
6. Do speak to a psychologist (yes, you!). For those parents who are convinced that a therapist made their kid do it, this will doubtless be a problem but it shouldn’t be since it’s really unlikely your supposed scenario happened. Why should you talk to a therapist? To get some neutral advice. To tell your story to a third party who doesn’t know you and to hear what he or she has to say. If your goal is genuinely to repair the relationship with your adult child or children, a psychologist can be a terrific advocate and, yes, a troubleshooter.
Remember that reconciliation is a process
Fit of pique myths notwithstanding, where you and your adult child find themselves is the result of years of interaction. It’s highly likely that if—and that is a question—your adult child is willing to consider a resumption of communication, there will be limits and boundaries imposed. That is a truth, if a hard one.
To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
Copyright © by Peg Streep 2024.
Facebook image: fizkes/Shutterstock
