Why Hypercriticality Is a Form of Verbal Abuse

"My father believed that praise weakened children, especially boys, and that all kids, especially boys, needed toughening up to face the world. He picked on all three of us incessantly, though my sister certainly got less of it than my brother and I did. I was an angry preteen and an even angrier teenager—unsure of myself in every way but determined not to let it show. Bullied, I resorted to bullying. It was horrible. I am lucky in that my high school guidance counselor ‘got it’ and helped me turn myself around. My father attributes my success to how he brought me up. He just doesn’t get it. The current drama is how he talks to my 6-year-old son. I have warned him that if he doesn’t stop, I am of out of there.”

“My mother was a perfectionist. She wanted the world to see her home and garden as perfect, and that included the children in that home. My older sister was just like her—she learned to iron when she was 7 so she’d never wear wrinkled clothes—but I didn’t care about stuff like that, and it drove my mother crazy. She pounced on my every flaw—how my part wasn’t straight, how my side of the room was a mess, how I lacked charm and grace. I was a straight-A student, which my sister wasn’t, but, according to Mom, that was because standards had lapsed in the schools we both went to, three years apart. Or I was lucky. The nitpicking was endless and left me in a perpetual defensive crouch, and I thought she was probably right, too. My first boss—a loving mother figure—suggested therapy when I was 22, and, boy, it was a revelation."

These two statements—one from a 40-year-old son and the other from a 34-year-old woman—are individual, of course, but I read many of them when I was writing and researching my new book: Verbal Abuse; Recognizing, Dealing, Reacting, and Recovering.

One thing became clear to me over time: how much parental verbal abuse is justified in the name of “discipline,” “improvement,” “toughening up,” or “setting the bar high.” Hypercriticality is one tactic in the grab bag of parental verbal abuse, which also includes belittling, dismissing, shaming, and undermining.

Despite how the treatment is justified or normalized, there’s no question about it; it is verbal abuse. What makes this more complicated is that many adults don’t have a clear idea of what “verbal abuse" is; I think many people still abide by the “sticks and stones” thing and if someone doesn’t punch you, nothing much happened. Science knows that is not true.

Parents: Confusing Abuse With Discipline

In many households, verbal abuse is rationalized by parents as addressing the need to correct perceived flaws in the child’s character or behavior. Hypercriticality—nitpicking and then magnifying every misstep or mistake—may be “justified” or “explained” by having to make sure the child “isn’t too full of himself,” “doesn’t let his successes go to his head,” “learns humility,” “knows who’s boss,” “toughens up,” and other self-serving statements that are just excuses. No shouting is necessary because, even when delivered in a quiet tone, this barrage of criticism is overwhelming, impossible to process, and internalized as “truths” by the child about his or her essential character. It also makes a child believe he or she is unworthy of attention and support because of those immutable “flaws” that have been pointed out over and over again.

It’s hard to overstate how hypercriticality affects a child’s sense of himself or herself and trust in his or her abilities, not to mention self-worth and likeability.

The Hypercritical Partner or Spouse

In adult relationships, the abuser may also rely on justification, but criticism shifts from being about an action—overspending, lateness, unwillingness to share chores equally, or anything else—to being highly personal. Marital psychologist and researcher John Gottman calls this "criticism," the first of the Four Horsemen, or signs that a relationship is on the brink, and contrasts it to "complaint." When you complain about someone’s action, you are focused on why the complaint is valid—the budget you mutually agreed to didn’t include new golf clubs, he/she agreed to walk the dog after work and doesn’t, etc.—and you ask him or her to remedy the situation. Criticality focuses on the personal—using words like “You always” or “You never”—and brings up a litany of character flaws. Gottman calls this “kitchen sinking”—as in throwing everything but the kitchen sink at the person you’re criticizing.

Hypercriticality forces the adult target to walk on eggshells in a perpetual defensive crouch for fear of making a mistake and drawing attention to his or her flaws. It is very psychologically damaging.

Calling Out Verbal Abuse

In my new book, I argue that we need to dump the fuzzy term “emotional abuse” in favor of “verbal abuse.” To prove “emotional abuse,” you have to show that the targeted person has been demonstrably harmed, which, frankly, isn’t always easy. But if you define the behaviors that comprise verbal abuse—and that includes both spoken, overt abuse as well as silent or covert verbal abuse such as ignoring, giving someone the silent treatment, stonewalling, and withholding—you only need to define the abuser’s behavior.

Copyright © Peg Streep 2022

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