Mariska Hargitay's Accurate Analogy for Child Abuse

“These stories are …..Like you said – dehumanizing, these lives derailed. The way that lives go off track. These are not kids, sitting on a shelf….these are people’s lives….. Children, getting derailed, of what is this life supposed to be. I was on this track…I can’t even make sense….” —Mariska Hargitay, Testimony Before the Bipartisan Task Force to End Sexual Violence June 16, 2017

The concept of lives being “derailed” shows that Mariska Hargitay truly understands trauma and how it impacts psychological development.

Trauma doesn’t occur in the past; it occurs in the future.

Derailed is the perfect analogy for how childhood trauma alters our psychological development.

Child Development, On and Off Track

As children grow up, they pass through certain developmental stages. Let’s picture those stages as stations on a railway journey, with a passport to stamp at each station. As a child progresses through each station, they collect their stamp and move on to the next one.

Some of these stations are attachment-based: Is the world a stable and secure place? Will my parents come to soothe me when I’m distressed? Can I feel safe to venture forth from home and try new things?

Some of those stations are psychosocial, like the Eriksonian stages: Am I as good as the other kids? Can I learn to accomplish academic tasks, like reading or doing math? Can I make friends? Can I figure out my identity, compared to other children? Do I have a sense of self?

Some of these stations are social/pragmatic stations: Do I understand nonverbal communication? Can I make a joke that other kids laugh at? How do I handle passive-aggressive people? Can I make – and keep – friends? How do I read this room?

And some of those stations are life skills: Do I know how to get from Point A to Point B? Can I change a tire, navigate public transportation, pump my own gas, and understand the basics of how my bike or car works? Can I manage a budget? Do I understand Care of a Human Body 101 – nutrition, sleep, when to call a doctor? Or Managing Work Life 101; do I know what to wear/say/do on a job interview?

When a child is abused, her train is ever so subtly derailed. She can appear like anyone else; her train appears to be on the same track, headed in the same direction. Yet because of this sudden derailment, her train is skipping stations and she’s not stamping her passport at them.

What Happens When We Skip Stations

Everyone else is heading into the station called “I can take a risk in school – and in life – and that’s OK, because even if I mess up, my parents are a sturdy, stable presence, and they’ll help me get over it.”

She skips that station.

Subconsciously, she thinks, “I can’t risk raising my hand and making a mistake. What if my teacher calls my abusive stepdad and he hits me?” So, she never passes through that “It’s OK to take some risks in service of goals” station. Which means she doesn't raise her hand with that perfect idea at the office meeting, and is passed over for a promotion. There are so many times in life when she wants to take a calculated risk, but she's never learned how to, because she skipped that station.

Maybe she gets through the “learning to read, write, and do math” station, but she feels so unsafe in her violated body that she can’t pass through the “learning that healthy movement feels good” station or the “what different types of elevated heartbeats mean” station, and therefore, her relationship with her body is always slightly distorted.

As Judith Herman states in one of the most seminal texts on treating trauma, Trauma and Recovery: “The survivor is left with fundamental problems in basic trust, autonomy, and initiative. She approaches the task of early adulthood―establishing independence and intimacy―burdened by major impairments in self-care, in cognition and in memory, in identity, and in the capacity to form stable relationships. She is still a prisoner of her childhood; attempting to create a new life, she reencounters the trauma.”

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The problem is, no one can see that this train is skipping stations. Even the post-traumatic person doesn’t get it. She might see herself as lazy, stupid, unwise, or not socially skilled. She might see herself as not very bright, not good at relationships, or way too needy. She doesn’t realize that her passport is missing essential stamps.

I’ve heard so many post-traumatic people say things like:

It’s like I keep missing the memo. How do other people know what’s appropriate to wear, when? How do they get all these inside jokes, and I always figure it out one second too late?

All the other moms just GET these things. I don’t mean about their kids, but about how to “mom.” Like when do you make the doctor’s appointment with enough time to get the forms in for school? When do you start packing away the winter wardrobe? Why does every other mom always remember the soccer uniform and the permission slip? And for heaven’s sake – why do they all know the perfect things to send the teacher on holidays and I’m always looking like a cheapskate or way too extravagant, or sending something lame?

It’s because your train skipped stations. There was that subtle derailment, and you’re not even aware that you never stamped that page in your passport. Maybe it was the “making and trusting friends” station, or the “dealing with frenemies” station, or the “being OK with minor hassles and disasters” station. Your train just skipped it, because you were too busy focusing on staying alive, on keeping your poor body soothed enough to function – or on perpetuating a family secret – and you didn’t have the time to stamp those pages in your passport. You didn’t even realize your train was skipping those stations.

So yes, trauma happens in the future — in the myriad ways that our trains skip stations, while we’re trying to survive. And yes, derailed is the perfect word to describe it.

Is Watching Law and Order: SVU a Trauma-Based Obsession?

So many post-traumatic parents talk about “weird trauma-based obsessions” and one of the common ones is watching Law and Order: SVU. I think some of that is due to finally watching a character with a similar life story get justice, and some of that is for validation: Child abuse is not OK; no means no; you were worthy of protection and respect. Here’s a show dedicated to saying that, week after week.

And for a lot of post-traumatic people, it’s Mariska Hargitay herself. She doesn’t just play Captain Olivia Benson. With her work on her foundation, her testimony, and her tireless advocacy, she’s an authentic voice for healing. I’ve heard more than one trauma survivor tell me that they’ve imagined telling her their trauma narrative, or that her example is what gave them the courage to report an assault to the police. That advocacy, and the authenticity with which her compassion comes across, makes her a force for healing. If trauma derails us, this type of advocacy is what gets us back on track.