How Much Should You Talk in a First Conversation?

Although we spend much of our waking hours chatting with others, many people report that they feel insecure about their conversational abilities. This is especially true for initial conversations with strangers, which can be so important because of the first impressions they create. Whether going on a first date or a job interview, what you say and how you say it can have a big impact on the attitudes that others will form of you.

In his perennial bestseller, How to Win Friends and Influence People, author Dale Carnegie gives the following advice:

Ask questions that the other person will enjoy answering. Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments. Remember that the people you are talking to are a hundred times more interested in themselves…than they are in you. (Carnegie, 1936, p. 144)

At first glance, it appears that Carnegie is suggesting you let the other person do most of the talking. However, as University of Virginia psychologist Quinn Hirschi and her colleagues point out in an article they recently published in the journal Personality and Social Psychology, Carnegie’s advice actually comes in two parts. First, he advises on how much to speak, and second, he suggests what you should talk about.

Carnegie’s advice is spot on when he suggests that people will enjoy the conversation more if they get to talk about themselves. However, Hirschi and her colleagues maintain that doesn’t mean you should be a silent partner in the conversation.

Reticence Bias

When people are asked to rate their abilities compared to the average person, they generally exhibit what’s known as overconfidence bias. Most people believe they’re better drivers, better lovers, more intelligent, and more attractive than average.

Of course, it’s a statistical impossibility for the majority of people to be above average, so at least some people are overconfident in their abilities.

However, when it comes to conversational skill, particularly with strangers, many people believe themselves to be below average. This is true both for college-aged youth and for older adults with more life experience. This could be due to the fact that people understand just how important first impressions can be.

Hirschi and her colleagues also point out that many people suffer from false beliefs about how impressions are formed during conversations with strangers. In one study, the researchers found that many people exhibit a reticence bias. This is the mistaken belief that other people will like them more if they let their conversation partners do most of the talking.

In fact, when people do most of the talking, they’re rated as less likeable than when the amount of talking is roughly equal between the two. That is, people who hog the conversation are often judged to be selfish and uncaring.

But this is likewise true when people are mostly silent. In this case, they tend to be viewed as boring or aloof. Findings such as these suggest that you’ll make the best impression if you let the talking time be roughly equally divided between you and your conversation partner.

Halo Ignorance

In their research, Hirschi and colleagues found another false belief about the effect of a first conversation, which they dubbed halo ignorance. Social psychologists have long known that people tend to form global opinions of others in simple terms of either “Like” or “Don’t Like.” Once we get to know people well, we may come to more subtle distinctions such as: “She’s interesting to talk to, but I don’t really like her that much.”

But for those we only casually interact with, we rely on simple positive or negative judgments. If we like someone, we attribute all sorts of wonderful things to them. They’re witty, fun to be with, attractive, intelligent, etc. It’s as if we’d put a halo around them.

Halo ignorance comes from the false belief that conversation partners are judging you both on how much they like you and how interesting they think you are. Furthermore, when people are asked about how they would approach a conversation with a stranger, they report that they would use different strategies depending on the kind of first impression they are trying to make. Specifically, if they want to be liked, they’ll let the other person do most of the talking. In contrast, if they want the other person to think they’re interesting, they’ll do most of the talking.

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Hirschi and colleagues refer to this as halo “ignorance” because people are generally unaware that they themselves form simple positive-or-negative first impressions, or “halos,” of others. At the same time, they assume others they meet for the first time are making detailed first impressions of themselves.

In fact, people aren’t going to judge you as either likeable or interesting depending on how much you talk. Rather, they’ll make no distinction between the two. If they like you, they’ll find you interesting, and vice versa. And, as we’ve already seen, people don’t like those who talk too much or too little, so the best strategy for winning friends and influencing people is to keep the conversational exchanges roughly equal.

Winning Friends and Influencing People

So, does that mean that Dale Carnegie got it wrong? Should we talk more about ourselves if we want to get others to like us? Hirschi and her colleagues don’t think Carnegie missed the mark, but they do think people have misinterpreted him.

Carnegie is right that you need to ask the other person the kinds of questions that show you want to get to know them better. And he’s also right that you should stick to topics they find interesting. So, for example, if your new conversation partner wants to talk about fishing, let them share their “fish tales,” but also share your own fishing experiences, even if it’s not your favorite pastime.

For instance, you can tell them about the only time you ever went fishing, when all you caught was an old rubber boat. You can also express your dislike of fishing, but by spinning it in a positive way: “Wow, you must have a lot of patience to sit there waiting for fish to bite. I could never do that.”

In sum, you really can win friends and influence people by letting them talk, just as Carnegie said. But you’re still responsible for half of the conversation. Just make sure you use your speaking time to show how much you like the person you’re talking to.