How a Sexual Growth Mindset Can Improve Your Relationship

A satisfying sex life is central to a happy relationship. But, over time, as couples get familiar with each other, the novelty wears off, and the bedroom excitement pales in comparison to what it used to be when they were first dating. Is there any way for a couple to stem the decline in sexual interest, or are all intimate relationships doomed to lose their spark over time?

In an article recently published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, Rutgers University psychologist Rachel Cultice and colleagues explore the idea that adopting a sexual growth mindset may be an effective way to stave off bedroom boredom over time. By sexual growth mindset, the researchers are referring to the attitude that people can learn to be better lovers over time. This naturally includes an openness to trying new things during lovemaking rather than sticking to a routine.

Fixed Versus Growth Mindset in Relationships

The idea of a “growth mindset” was first introduced by psychologist Carol Dweck in the early 2000s. According to Dweck, some people have what she called a “fixed mindset,” referring to the belief that people’s personalities and abilities are set early in life and cannot change after that. Others, however, believe that they change to overcome obstacles and generally improve their lives.

Dweck found that students with a fixed mindset believed that their scores on tests reflected their true ability and that nothing could be done to improve their performance. According to a fixed mindset, some people have ability, talent, intelligence, or whatever, and others don’t, and nothing can change that. Since they believe they can’t change, of course they don’t.

In contrast, students with a growth mindset believe that a low score on one test says little about their abilities or limitations. Rather, they take the attitude that they can do better next time by changing their study habits or seeking tutoring. In other words, they view accomplishment not as a reflection of innate ability but rather as the amount of effort that’s put into achieving the goal.

Although the concept of fixed versus growth mindset was initially applied to educational settings, psychologists have since seen it as a useful tool for thinking about dynamics in intimate relationships as well. On the one hand, some people believe that certain couples are destined for each other. They search for their soulmate, the one person who’s the perfect match for them, the one who will complete them and make them whole. They also tend to believe that when a relationship falls into serious trouble, there’s little the couple can do about it.

On the other hand, other people believe that relationships take work, and whether they succeed or fail depends solely on how much effort the couple puts into making it work. Such people believe that relationships have ups and downs and that difficulties don’t necessarily mean they’re destined to fail.

Relationship scientists see “destiny beliefs” as a form of fixed mindset regarding relationships, while the “relationships take work” view reflects a growth mindset. Research shows that people who believe that relationships require effort are generally more satisfied with their partners. They’re more tolerant of their partner’s shortcomings, and they're more likely to treat conflicts as an opportunity to improve the relationship.

Sexual Growth Mindset and Sexual Rejection Sensitivity

One of the most common reasons why couples seek counseling is a discrepancy in sexual desire. People are generally quite sensitive to sexual rejection by their partner, and if it occurs frequently, they may stop making sexual overtures altogether to avoid getting their feelings hurt. At the same time, most people want to respect their partner’s sexual boundaries. And yet, because couples are expected to be sexually exclusive, rejected partners have no alternative for getting their needs met.

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Research shows that people vary in their degree of sensitivity to sexual rejection, with some being able to take it in stride while others are devastated by it. Cultice and colleagues wondered whether sexual rejection sensitivity was related to a sexual growth mindset. That is, it could be the case that those who believe people can improve their sexual skills might be less sensitive to being rejected by their partner than those who believe sexual skills are fixed.

To test this idea, Cultice and colleagues recruited 381 research participants who were in committed relationships to fill out a series of questionnaires. The first survey was intended to measure the degree of sexual-growth mindset. Respondents indicated their degree of agreement, ranging from “strongly disagree” to “strongly agree,” to questions such as: “The kind of sexual partner someone is, is something basic about them, and it can’t be changed very much.” Here, agreement signaled a fixed mindset, and disagreement a growth mindset.

The second survey assessed each participant’s sexual satisfaction, and a third asked them to report how frequently they had sex with their partner.

The last survey gauged their degree of sexual rejection sensitivity. Respondents were asked to imagine a variety of scenarios, such as thinking about asking their partner to explore a new sexual activity. They then indicated how anxious they would be about their partner’s response and whether they thought their partner would be open to the suggestion. In this way, the researchers measured both the respondent’s own sexual growth mindset and their perception of their partner’s sexual growth mindset.

Saying No Without Hurting Your Partner

The results showed the link between sexual growth mindset and sexual rejection sensitivity. However, the particular association was somewhat unexpected. Namely, the participant’s own sexual growth mindset was unrelated to their sexual rejection sensitivity. However, they reported much less sensitivity to their partner’s rejections when they also perceived their partner as having a sexual growth mindset.

In other words, when people believe their partner is open to new sexual experiences, they aren’t as seriously impacted by rejection on a particular occasion. Perhaps this is because they interpret the rejection as being due to current circumstances, such as having too much on one’s mind or not feeling well, rather than because of a general unwillingness to engage in sexual activity.

In a follow-up, the researchers repeated the procedure, but this time with couples. In this way, they could compare Partner A’s sexual rejection sensitivity with Partner B’s sexual growth mindset. This time, the researchers found no correlation between the two. That is to say, you can only soften the blow of a sexual rejection if you’ve already made it clear to your partner that you’re generally open to exploring your sexuality as a couple. As is so often the case in psychology, perception trumps reality.

The researchers also looked at the correlation between sexual frequency and rejection sensitivity. In line with other research, the results show that the more often a couple has sex, the less that rejection on a particular occasion will sting. After all, when people are getting enough sex, rejection this one time is less disappointing than when their sexual needs are generally unmet.

The take-home message is clear. Relationships are successful when couples communicate openly and manage expectations successfully. There may be times when you just can’t accept your partner’s sexual advance. The key to managing this without hurting your partner’s feelings is to make clear that you’re generally open to having sex with them but can’t at the moment. “Not now, but definitely tomorrow” gives hope, while “Not now, and I don’t know when” only breeds despair.