Half of His Pleasure Is Pleasing Her

Our society has provided us with certain expectations for how the sexual act is supposed to play out. According to one common cultural script, the male takes an active role while the woman is passive. Not only is it his responsibility to initiate sex and to lead her in the acts they’ll perform, but it’s also up to him to make sure she gets an orgasm.

Past research shows that men feel greater masculinity and self-esteem when their partner orgasms during sex. Indeed, many men report that they enjoy sex much more when they see their partner is also enjoying herself. A good lover, according to this cultural script, always makes sure to please her before he pleases himself.

And yet, other research shows that both men and women often lack knowledge about their own and their partner’s sexual anatomy as well as the techniques that are likely to bring a woman to orgasm.

For instance, many couples believe that a woman should be able to reach orgasm during penetrative sex, even though studies have found that fewer than one in five women are able to do so. It’s little wonder then that many women fake orgasms in an effort to please their partners.

The Importance of Clitoral Stimulation

In fact, most women report that they need substantial stimulation of the clitoris to reach orgasm. Many men understand this fact and pay special attention to it, especially during foreplay. Yet, there are still quite a few men and women who don’t understand the importance of stimulating the clitoris or even know where it’s located.

However, a woman doesn’t need her partner to stimulate her clitoris. She can use her own fingers, or thanks to modern technology, a vibrator, to bring herself to orgasm. Nearly half of surveyed women reported using a vibrator during masturbation, and over a third during partnered sex.

If men believe it’s their job to give their partner an orgasm, and if their sense of manliness and self-esteem is based on this, then how do they feel about their partner using a vibrator during sex?

This is the question that University of Florida psychologist Milan Savoury and her colleagues explored in a study recently published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior.

You and Me and Vibrator Make Three

For this study, the researchers recruited 93 young men between the ages of 18 and 24. First, the participants responded to questions that assessed dysfunctional beliefs about sex and their knowledge of the clitoris, including where it is and how it is stimulated. Items included questions such as whether the clitoris was located inside the vagina and whether it gets directly stimulated during intercourse.

Next, the participants were randomly assigned to one of three conditions. In each condition, they read a vignette that asked them to imagine that they were in a sexual relationship with an attractive woman that they liked very much. The woman tells him that she rarely had orgasms before him, and when they make love, she has an orgasm.

In the first condition, she reaches climax during intercourse, in the second condition through oral and manual stimulation of the clitoris, and in the third condition with the aid of a vibrator. After each participant read his assigned vignette, he completed three additional questionnaires which measured his feelings of masculinity, sense of accomplishment, and level of self-esteem.

As predicted, the young men reported the highest level of masculinity and accomplishment when their imaginary lover had orgasmed during intercourse, and these levels were lowest when she climaxed with a vibrator.

Self-esteem was unaffected by the manner in which their lover orgasmed, although previous research has shown that men’s self-esteem does take a hit when their lover fails to climax.

Orgasm Essential Reads

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Broadening Your Sexual Skill Set

On further analysis, Savoury and colleagues found that those who scored high on clitoral knowledge also reported high levels of masculinity even when their lover achieved orgasm because they manually or orally stimulated her clitoris.

This finding suggests that men who believe women should climax during intercourse see oral or manual sex as somehow deficient. In contrast, those who understand how the clitoris works feel just as manly when they give their lover an orgasm manually or orally as when she climaxes during intercourse.

It could be that men with clitoral knowledge view this as part of their sexual skill set and gain pleasure from pleasing their partner, whether through intercourse or through manual or oral stimulation. However, even these sexually knowledgeable young men still derived less satisfaction when they used a vibrator to bring their lover to orgasm. They may be viewing vibrator use as a failure on their part to provide their partner with an orgasm using their own body parts.

Savoury and colleagues found this last result as indicating a deficiency in men’s sexual knowledge, and they encourage all men who aspire to be good lovers to learn more about vibrators and how these can be used to pleasure their partners. It also suggests that these men, in general, still believe that men “give” orgasms to their partners.

In fact, no one can give another person an orgasm. Rather, each person is responsible for his or her sexual climaxes. As a lover, whether male or female, all you can do is provide the right kind of stimulation in the right amount, following your partner's guidance. If you want to help them reach climax, it shouldn’t matter how you get them there. This is the knowledge that truly great lovers have.