Experiencing Good Grief

He didn't have to wake up
He'd been up all night
Laying there in bed listening
To his new born baby cry
He makes a pot of coffee
He splashes water on his face
His wife gives him a kiss and says
It gonna be OK

It won't be like this for long
One day soon we'll look back laughin'
At the week we brought her home
This phase is gonna fly by
So baby just hold on
It won't be like this for long.

—It Won’t Be Like This For Long, Darius Rucker

Source: Sydney Sims/ Unsplash

Parenthood can be an amazing and fulfilling experience, but it can also be incredibly overwhelming, particularly for new parents who are trying to adjust to their new roles and responsibilities.

Suddenly, everything changes, and the person you were before your baby arrived can feel lost in the fray; priorities shift, and you may find yourself struggling to balance the desire to be a “good” parent with the societal pressures to look as though everything is simply amazing because you're a new mom.

Let's explore the concept of “good and necessary grief” as it pertains to new parents. Tools and helpful elements for survival are offered for those who may be struggling with, and surprised by, their new identity as a parent.

Can Grief Really Be “Good?"

"Good grief" is a term coined by psychotherapist Alan Wolfelt to describe the mourning process that occurs when we experience a significant loss or change. In fact, it’s completely normal to feel a sense of loss for the pre-baby life.

This loss of self-grief can be healthy and productive, as emotions are identified, processed, and illuminating. What you learn about yourself in the tender moments of early motherhood will follow you into identifying and grappling with the array of emotions that occur throughout the developmental life of your child.

Yes, anger, anxiety, and sadness are emotions, which are all part of the grief paradigm when the loss of self presents itself.

Grief is one of the greatest teachers: It challenges one to think outside of the box, it forces collaboration and it is a potential motivator to meet your best self. Instead of being afraid to identify what's going on within you, identify what you are feeling, be curious about it, and you will not be held by its grip.

The added benefit is a long-term perspective. When you understand what's happening within your psyche, what you map or assess with your child will have greater accuracy—benefiting the ability to be present for your child’s emotional needs.

Becoming a parent is a major transition that can bring up a lot of different emotions—joy, excitement, love, and also a sense of loss. You may feel like you’ve lost a part of yourself, your identity, your freedom, or your independence.

These feelings can be intensified, especially if you are a new parent who is also dealing with sleep deprivation and all the other joys that come with caring for a newborn.

For new parents, good grief might look like facing the challenges and overwhelming feelings which accompany the early days of parenthood.

By integrating the emotions and allowing themselves time to grieve the life they had before, parents can move towards a place of joy and gratitude for their new addition.

Loss Of Autonomy

Postpartum only means after the baby is born, yet too often depression follows the word. Yet, postpartum can be a wonderful, joyous experience that we often equate with nothing but happiness. But did you know that many new parents also feel a sense of grief, despite having a new baby in their lives?

As new parents navigate this transition, one of the most challenging things they face is the loss of autonomy and the sense of self that often comes with it. The process of realizing that your life is no longer centered around your own needs and desires can be a difficult pill to swallow.

(This can be particularly hard for those who were used to a more independent lifestyle).

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Freedom to be, to hop in the car to go to a grocery store, or to see an MD, is not as easy as it used to be. Instead, baby gear in tow, clothes that are stained, and feeling exhausted, can inch you closer to feelings of resentment or fear that you’re not gonna make it through.

Not everyone has the help they need or the support to allow them to hit the snooze button on the alarm. And that’s all you crave—give me 10 more minutes to sleep.

Your life is no longer your own, and it's okay to mourn that loss. Grief doesn't just happen when we lose a loved one; it happens during significant life changes. Recognizing and accepting feelings of grief is an important step in moving forward as a new parent.

Mourning Your Previous Life

You know those first few weeks after having a baby when everyone is asking you how you're doing and you feel obligated to respond with only positive things? Yeah, let's cut through the noise for a second.

Becoming a new parent is a huge adjustment and it's completely normal to grieve your old life.

It's not that you don't love your baby more than anything, it's just that life is different now.

For parents with multiple children, the arrival of a new baby may prompt feelings of loss for the one-on-one time they were able to give to their older children. It's important to remember that feeling this way is a normal part of the process.

Feeling a sense of loss doesn't mean that you're not excited to be a parent. Rather, it's a way to acknowledge the significant shift that has taken place in your life and give yourself permission to feel your emotions.

Shifts in Priorities

As a new parent, you may experience feelings of grief and loss as you adjust to your new role. Suddenly, your priorities have shifted and it can be difficult to manage the feeling that your own needs have taken a backseat.

But don't worry, this is all just a phase. As your child grows and becomes more independent, you will have more time to pursue your own interests and hobbies again.

It's important to remember that this change isn't a bad thing, it's actually a good thing. You've brought a beautiful, new life into the world and you've made sacrifices for the well-being of your little one.

It's okay to acknowledge how difficult this shift is and to give yourself the space and time to adjust. Remember to take care of yourself along with your baby, and know that this phase will pass.

Pressure To Be a Perfect Parent

It's no secret that parenthood comes with its fair share of pressures. From society's incessant need to label mothers and fathers as "good" or "bad" parents, to the constant comparisons made between children, the pressure to be a perfect parent can be overwhelming at times.

Whether it’s unspoken expectations from society, family members, or even just themselves, new parents can sometimes feel as though their every move is being scrutinized. This can cause a great deal of stress and anxiety, and can make it challenging to enjoy the joys of parenthood.

It's common to feel grief and other mental struggles when these high expectations seem out of our reach. The truth is, there is no such thing as a perfect parent. It’s important to remember that everyone makes mistakes and that it’s completely normal to feel overwhelmed and anxious.

The key is to focus on doing your best and not worry too much about trying to live up to impossible standards. At the end of the day, the only person who truly knows what’s best for your child is you.