How Psychopaths Can Fake Friendships

When Lord Chesterfield wrote a letter to his son in 1747, he warned him of an “unguarded frankness” which makes people of his age “easy prey": "[T]hey look upon every knave or fool, who tells them that he is their friend, to be really so; and pay that profession of simulated friendship, with an indiscreet and unbounded confidence, always to their loss, often to their ruin.”¹

There are many people in this world who may not make for good friends, but there is a certain type of person with a character disorder that is no one’s friend. That person, the psychopath, may very well be the knave in Lord Chesterfield’s admonition.

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“Simulated friendship” is a tactic of the psychopath

Who are these people with their “simulated friendships” that can bring us to ruin? Psychopaths have perplexed us since biblical times.² The very title of psychopathy expert, J. Reid Meloy’s book, The Mark of Cain³ hints at the problem. In Genesis, the mark God placed on Cain, the first murderer, served to immunize him from harm, analogous to how psychopaths evade detection. How do we make the mistake of letting them get close to us? They often manipulate their victims into a false sense of closeness. Renowned researcher Robert Hare writes: “If we can’t spot them, we are doomed to be their victims.”⁴ But how do we spot such people since they pose as “the perfect invisible predator"?⁵

Connections, not friendships, are the psychopath’s goal

Connections, not friendships, are very important to a psychopath. Psychopaths have an “insatiable appetite for power and control,”⁶ Each person with whom she connects serves her needs in different ways and must validate her outsized sense of self. The psychopath has a “pathological self-focus.”⁷ She commands an audience not only in her speech but in her mannerisms. She can use various ploys to get and keep your attention … flamboyant, outgoing, effusive or, conversely, pitiable, “feel sorry for me.” If she uses the victim approach, you may never know that she is on the prowl to take. Whatever ploy she uses, the sad truth is she never gets enough and she is never grateful. She believes she is entitled and constantly demands more. If her lips say thank you, her heart is in a very different place.

Tools to achieve “friendship”

She may seek friendship by flattery, feigned concern, kindness and phony stories to manipulate you and put her in a favorable light. Her effervescent voice sends out a message of just how wonderful you are. Everything she does is designed to further her personal agenda. According to Carl Gacono, “The female psychopath’s interest in others is not based on a desire for greater intimacy, but rather is motivated by a need to be the center of attention.”⁸

Spotting these “perfect invisible predators”

How do we spot these “perfect invisible predators” who try to masquerade as friends? Meloy offers a suggestion: “Although this information is only intuitive and anecdotal, it is my experience ... to hear descriptions” — "cold eyes," for example, or "staring, harsh, empty, vacant, and absent of feeling.”⁹ While true, I can attest, from personal experience with my psychopathic mother and sister, how very difficult this can be to detect. Unfortunately, there is no surefire way to easily spot a psychopath. Even trained clinicians often cannot discern the psychopath. My best advice has always been to let your intuition be your guide. A discerning sixth sense should not be ignored. Heeding a gut reaction warning may be your best and only defense.

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