Grief Rituals Are More Important Than Ever

Grief creates lifelong changes, and in recent years, many of our important grieving rituals have been downsized, cancelled, or altered in a way that leave many people without the closure necessary to keep moving forward.

When a loved one dies, the days of treasured traditions, meals with loved ones, and hope for a meaningful future often feel empty and draining. This is where grief rituals come into play: their power to help heal grief often goes unrecognized.

The very things that make love so extraordinary are what make grief so daunting. Waking up to the voice of a loved one becomes a stark reminder that you’ll never talk to them again; taking pictures to preserve precious memories becomes a heartbreaking documentary of a new normal; comfortable routines that once provided an escape from the world transform into gut-wrenching nudges that you now avoid at all costs.

Grief is the price you pay for loving someone. It’s the cost of giving parts of yourself to a greater whole, and when that whole is torn apart, you reform those parts of yourself as much as you rebuild your life.

Pandemic impacts on closure after death

Current research has started to examine the impact the COVID pandemic has had on rituals associated with grief, particularly for those individuals who have been unable to participate in important customs (i.e. funerals, gatherings, etc.) because of pandemic restrictions. That research has shown that an inability to engage in grief rituals has left many people with no closure—a crucial step in rebuilding after losing a loved one.

Grief is terrifying. Despite the adage that time heals all wounds, grief is not truly “healable.” It’s a change wrought from the shaking of foundations, and those foundations have to be rebuilt to accommodate that change; they can never be fashioned into exactly what they were before. Because holidays often play an important role in our time with loved ones, grief tends to disrupt them exponentially more than everyday life.

How to adjust grief rituals

Whether you’re just starting out on a grief journey, or you’re a seasoned expert, it’s likely you’ve had to adjust your grief rituals in recent years. That change could impact your long-term healing from grief—but there are several small adjustments that could hopefully lead you to discover small sparks of joy.

1. Set realistic expectations.

Grief changes everything. There’s no way around it. It will change your routines—celebrations, travel, traditions. There will be no going back to what it used to be, and allowing yourself to recognize that and accept it can be freeing.

It’s okay if you don’t feel like doing the same activities you’ve always done—and it’s okay if you do, even though there’s a huge piece missing. It’s okay if you decide to hide from the world, and it’s okay if you want to immerse yourself in it to avoid being alone.

If you have other family members working through grief alongside you, find time to talk to them about how you’re feeling and what expectations you have for everyday and special routines. Give yourself permission to do things differently, or to do them the same. The crucial part is to put thought into it ahead of time and give yourself—and others going through the same thing—some grace. If that means grieving rituals, like funerals or family get-togethers, are temporarily placed on hold, that’s ok, just as holding several smaller rituals instead of a large one can be a logical adjustment.

2. Communicate with your loved ones.

If you’re going through a challenging time grieving the loss of someone special, chances are you have family and friends who are navigating the same issues. Even though it seems like grief is so encompassing that everyone must be aware of it, it’s often shocking to find out others aren’t privy to how you’re affected.

Spend time with your loved ones, and communicate how you’re doing. Even if you have no words, simply telling them you can’t express your hurt will do wonders to help others understand—what you’re going through, and what they’re experiencing.

Keeping lines of communication open with family and friends can also be healing. It will give you a way to recognize your feelings, as grief can be numbing. It will also help to nurture relationships that may be your primary support moving forward. Opening up with each other about what rituals feel the most important, particularly if they have been missed or set aside for the last few years, will go a long way in coming together in the midst of grief.

Grief Essential Reads

A Code of Honor for the Dying and Their Family

Conversations With Patients Who Have Died

3. Make new rituals.

If you’re unable to maintain the same rituals after losing a loved one, don’t be afraid to start over with new ones. Step out into the unknown and try something fresh, even if it’s the last thing you feel like doing.

Building new customs can infuse joy back into your life. It can open doors to new experiences, people, and emotions. There will be moments of guilt and sadness when you’re creating new traditions without a central person present to be part of them, but ultimately they will be a salve to a wounded spirit.

New rituals can form a basis for rebuilding your life. They can incorporate the memories you have from the past, or they can be completely unknown and untried. The importance is in being willing to rise from the ashes and discover life still has some meaning.

4. Honor your memories.

The death of a loved one means you’re always thinking about someone who is no longer present. There will not be a day that you won’t remember their absence from your life—though the ache will fade over time.

One of the best ways to heal from losing someone special is to honor your memories with them—the good and the bad. Don’t gloss over the recollections that make your loved one human; no one is perfect, and loving someone means you love what made them real.

Invest your time in thinking and talking about your memories. Share the times you laughed, argued, and cried together. Revisit the impact your loved ones have had on you. After someone dies, memories are all you have left.

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Though grief undoubtedly alters nearly every day and every activity, implementing basic rituals can help ease the pain. And, for those rituals that have been placed on the back burner or missed completely in the past few years, it’s never too late to make up for lost time. The most important part of navigating life without loved ones is to allow yourself the grace that comes with losing one of the most important pieces of your life. Nothing will ever be the same again—and that’s ok.