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Relationships
3 Signs of a Seriously Unhealthy Relationship
1. The idea that you should "do anything for love."
Posted September 20, 2021 Reviewed by Devon Frye
Key points
- Love should never be a reason to take advantage of someone else.
- Romantic relationships can be challenging to sustain if issues of power and control are not addressed.
- Healthy intimacy is based on security, individuality, and trust.
Humans desire connection with other humans. Although it takes several different forms, the need for connection and belonging has been firmly established as a survival need. Be it romantic, platonic, or familial, love is something that almost everyone is searching for in one way or another—and something that is nearly impossible to define and predict. Given how elusive it can be, and its often baffling nature, is love a blank check? Once discovered, is it an experience so consuming and essential that its recipients should be willing to do anything for it?
Many people devote their entire lives to searching for love that lasts. Friendships are carefully cultivated and nurtured in the hopes of sticking together through the ups and downs of life, often resulting in lifelong connections that outlast romantic developments. Parents work through life’s stages to maintain closeness to their kids, adapting to developmental changes and fluidly molding their love to fit the needs of the moment. Children care for elderly parents, willingly reversing roles from their youth as a method of showing their love.
One of the most popular search topics is how to find, and keep, romantic love. Countless articles and resources exist to “teach” people the most effective ways of responding to a partner, how to problem-solve conflict, and ways to build trust and intimacy. Once someone is fortunate enough to find a fulfilling romantic relationship, many are also willing to “do whatever it takes” to make it last. Some interpret this drive to cultivate enduring romance as a need for unconditional regard—that no matter what happens or how one is treated, love gives each partner a blank check to cash in how they see fit.
Every relationship is different. Individuals should spend extensive time before they search for romantic love in clearly understanding their own “deal breakers”—behavior and/or life changes that would cause them to walk away from a relationship. Despite our never-ending search for true love, it is not so powerful as to entitle its recipients to doing anything they wish in its name. There are some warning signs that love is being treated as a blank check, and heeding these can save a lot of heartache in the long run:
1. You don’t have to “do anything for love.”
Many people feel as if self-sacrifice is the key to making relationships last. The more you do for your partner, the more likely they will be to stay with you. Though sacrificing for others can be a potent way to show you care about them, and is also essential at times to developing a mutually healthy relationship, it should not turn into a power differential.
Healthy relationships are not made up of one person who constantly sacrifices their wellbeing in order to make the other person happy. They are comprised of people who mutually decide to focus on what the relationship needs, and do so by making positive choices for their individual success at the same time. One partner may put a new career on hold to support the other going back to school, but they make this decision jointly. You may choose to move your family somewhere that one partner has always wanted to live, but the rational way to do this is after weighing the pros and cons for everyone involved.
Partners can, and should, focus on the soundness of their relationship instead of just their own personal needs—but healthy relationships are reciprocal and never lose sight of each person’s individuality, even in the midst of their identity as a couple. Give yourself permission to sacrifice when it feels right for your relationship, but also make it a priority not to betray your own needs in the process.
2. Romantic relationships do not redefine you as a person.
Once you find love, celebrate it by being your genuine self. Becoming romantically involved with someone does not mean you turn into the same person. In fact, many relationships fail because the people involved tried too hard to create their relationship identity and lost sight of their individuality.
Your uniqueness is what sparked a relationship in the beginning. Don’t lose sight of who you are—weaknesses, strengths, and eccentricities combined. Individuals who stay self-aware and confident tend to find it easier to weather the storms that inevitably challenge relationships—simply because they can draw on their own strengths to support the relationship when needed.
Individuality is exciting. It can help partners rediscover each other, and it serves to build each other up when struggling. If a relationship works too hard at becoming a singular identity, in the end, it will lose valuable resources that are probably needed to make it last. Relationships are a team—comprised of individuals who bring something important and necessary to the table, while still being laser-focused on the team’s success.
3. Love and abuse of power should be mutually exclusive.
Being in love never entitles someone to abuse their power over a partner. Romantic relationships exert significant influence on each other—a natural aspect of coming together and sharing lives. However, when one partner feels entitled to use this influence as a method of control, warning bells should be going off.
Unfortunately, romantic relationships can easily foster power and control issues due to their intimate and trusting nature. Developing trust in someone else requires vulnerability, and this can be violated by someone who believes love is a blank check. Healthy relationships should empower everyone involved—they should never take advantage of or exert control over each other. Love is not a reason to fall prey to manipulation and abuse.
Healthy intimacy is always based on security—a firm belief and trust in the relationship that each person will watch out for the others’ needs. When this is violated, and power is used in self-centered or even dangerous ways, there should be immediate intervention. Power and control issues do not resolve themselves over time without significant change and hard work—and safety is never something that should be sacrificed in the name of love.
Humans’ ability to love sets them apart—in both good and bad ways. Though our search for enduring and meaningful relationships should be lauded, it is essential to learn how to avoid relationships that view love as a blank check. Nurturing a bond with others can be a beautiful experience, as long as everyone involved is mindful of the vulnerability and mutual respect that should go along with it.
Facebook image: Olena Yakobchuk/Shutterstock
