Why Are Men So Lonely?

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I live in California on a coast where people love to make plans and later flake at the last minute. This goes for grown men, too. The result is guys giving one another a version of the silent treatment until one of us dies of old age.

I've noticed that even when men move to the West Coast from other states, they become afflicted with "male bail syndrome." And it's not just the beatniks, hippies, and vegans; we’re different on this side. My East Coast buddies drink Yuengling and love the Steelers, and I'm at home sipping Pinot and watching Farmer Wants a Wife.

But male loneliness and the great “friendship recession” is a global plague. It doesn’t help that, as a gender men, take pride in self-reliance. Needing someone else feels...needy. If asking for directions is admitting defeat, how can we ask someone to be our friend? Sadly, keeping the status quo means it’s a race to the bottom for us.

What the Numbers Reveal

“No man is an island unto himself,” wrote 17th-century poet John Donne. But the numbers tell a different story: We’re an endless, lonely archipelago.

In a recent study, nearly one in five Americans reported having no close social connections.¹ And men are faring the worst: More than one in four men (28 percent) under age 30 reported having no close social connections. The percentage worsens as men age. That might not sound ominous until you factor the effects of social isolation, which include chronic diseases like diabetes, cardiovascular disease, and cancer.² In short, loneliness is killing us one unrequited social contact at a time.

Scene: Me, Walking into Applebee’s, alone.

Hostess: Just one? I can seat you at the bar facing the alcohol.

Why Is Making Friends So Hard for Men?

Befriending another man requires knowing an innate code like: Every compliment must be backhanded. "That t-shirt’s too tight; does your little sister know you took it?" is a term of endearment. And we're terrified of admitting we don't know how to do something, making it harder to admit we’re down to ESPN and our dog as our only friends.

Consider these other reasons why guys "man-solate":

• Stoicism. Vulnerability and manliness have historically been antonyms. The rooted notion that men should be emotionally reserved makes it difficult to form deeper connections. Opening up about vulnerabilities can be seen as weakness. To test this notion, tell another man you like Nickelback.
• Limited emotional vocabulary. Men have fewer socially acceptable ways to express emotions. Saying "Let's hang out" sounds suspiciously formal. "Wanna come over and avoid eye contact while watching the game?" is more our flow. Brunch is fun, but copping to an affinity for bottomless mimosa brunches feels emasculating.
• Our activities aren’t conducive to camaraderie. Our hobbies involve staring intently at something (video games, fishing poles, the grill) for extended periods, making it harder to build emotional intimacy. "Catching up" usually involves watching things in comfortable silence, which begs the question: Are we catching up on anything?
• Fading friendships. Traditional male friendships might be more situational, fading as life circumstances change (e.g., career, moving, starting families). We're left with only social media as a means of maintaining a friendship pulse with others. And men aren't too keen on TikToking and doing anything for "The Gram."
• Difficulty initiating. Societal norms often make it awkward for men to initiate friendships, leading to missed opportunities. As men, we are wary of any man approaching us in an unsolicited manner. We question his motives. What if he wants to sell us a timeshare or an extended car warranty?
• Indirect communication. A man's love language involves insults and unspoken competition. Sharing feelings is for couples. We share conspiracy theories about the government and how the NFL is rigged. Men communicate indirectly. Saying "good job" is acceptable, but praising someone's emotional intelligence or communication skills can be misinterpreted as flirting.

How to Make Friends as a Man

Meeting other guys was simple when you were in college, the army, or stuck on a tarmac at JFK. But building friendships takes time, effort, and a conscious approach. Here are some tips:

1. Challenge the Stereotypes. There's a constant internal debate: play it cool and aloof, or risk coming across as overly enthusiastic and needy. One wrong word and a male conversation can implode into awkward silence. Opening up about a personal problem is a slippery slope. It might lead to unwanted advice or worse, genuine empathy—which is mostly frowned upon. Embrace emotional openness and vulnerability to build stronger bonds.
2. Focus on Shared Interests. Asking a man his hobbies is a gamble. It could be a riveting topic, or it could reveal things you'll forever judge him for. Bonding activities don’t need to involve life-threatening situations like base jumping, moonshining, and downing Carolina Reaper nachos. Find activities you both enjoy, but also create space for deeper conversations. Asking a stranger to BBQ or golf? Totally normal.
3. Be Clear and Direct. Texting is convenient, but reading into one-word replies or a telenovela is a real risk. Communicate openly about your desire for attaining male friends. Sharing deep philosophical thoughts online is somehow encouraged, while expressing similar thoughts in person can lead to unnerved stares and mumbled excuses to leave. Normalize open comms.
4. Take Initiative. Inviting a new friend over for dinner is fraught with peril. Will he misinterpret the invite? Does PBR pair with buffalo wings? Is a war movie an acceptable form of entertainment? And joining a club specifically for making friends is suspicious. "Why would a secure man want to join a Meetup pub trivia night?" society ponders. Don't wait for someone else to make the first move. This isn't dating. Reach out and invite potential friends to hang out.
5. Join a Men's Group. Most places of worship offer men's groups that meet regularly and include activities. There's also a big emphasis on welcoming and inclusion. And snacks. You can come as you are and revel in the kumbaya — stuff you don't get from text memes or an online football pool.