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In my 25 years in mental health and special education services, I have had the opportunity to evaluate and diagnose numerous children with educational disabilities and psychological disorders. Since the evaluations have allowed me to work closely with families, I have been able to observe the reactions of parents while learning whether or not their child had a disability.
Parental responses vary; however, the one reaction that consistently occurs from fathers is grief. With grief comes distress and frustration during and after the feedback portion of the evaluations, or when the results of the testing are shared with them, then the diagnosis. Couples often seem to be at different stages in grief with mothers appearing further along in the journey. Men tend to withhold their feelings and outwardly accept the outcome while internally they are grieving. The point of this blog is to recognize how difficult this process can be for men and to highlight how their reactions to the evaluation results are well-matched with the stages of grief.
Men, Women and Grief
Although there is mixed empirical support for Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’s Grief Cycle (1969) anecdotally, I do see a pattern when watching parents come to terms with their child's evaluation results. I use the Grief Cycle (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance) to describe how men cope with a diagnosis. These stages are not linear and, in my observations, when dealing with a diagnosis, men hover between anger (anxiety) and bargaining (struggling to find meaning) to depression (overwhelmed, helplessness). However, women, often seem to be at the acceptance stage (exploring options, creating plans to move on) by the time they receive the feedback and diagnosis.
This can impact the parents as a unit. Being in different stages in the process seems to be the reason that some couples were in conflict. Some men needed more time to accept the results and conditions. The disconnect led to men feeling unheard and unsupported. When this happened, I would provide them with the opportunity to communicate. In their quest to understand how the condition happened within their child, they would often ask me:
• Did I do something wrong?
• What causes this condition?
• Was it the pregnancy or delivery?
• How does this happen?
• Was it COVID19?
• I travel for work, did my absence cause this?
• Where did I go wrong?
• What is the outcome or future going to be like for my child?
Men blamed themselves. These feelings derived from men believing that they were to protect and solve problems for their families. Men could not find a solution to the perceived problem which was hard for them. Men had dreams for their children and a mental health diagnosis or educational disability made some feel as if their future aspirations for their child were gone, even if that was a temporary feeling.
Society teaches men to not only be strong but to silence their feelings. In the case of learning that your child has a mental health condition or disability, it is important for men to be honest with themselves as well as with their significant other. Emotions and experiences can vary widely among individuals, so not all men would necessarily feel the same way about special education. However, there could be several reasons why some men might grieve or experience various emotions related to learning about their child’s mental health condition or disability:
• Social Stigma: Special education can be associated with social stigma and misconceptions, which may lead to sadness or frustration for men.
• Reluctance to Label: Some men may resist seeking special education services because they fear their child will be labeled or treated differently.
• Frustration with the System: Men might become saddened by the inadequacies of the education system or the lack of support available to those with special needs.
• Lack of Understanding: Men without direct experience with special education might feel sad due to a lack of understanding or misconceptions about the needs and potential of individuals with disabilities.
• Parental Guilt: Men may feel guilty or blame themselves for their child's special needs. As a defense mechanism, they might deny or downplay the issue as a way of coping with their feelings of guilt.
• Lack of Trust in the System: Men might have negative experiences or lack trust in the education system. This distrust can lead to resistance to seeking services for their child.
• Cultural or Religious Beliefs: Cultural or religious beliefs might influence men’s perspectives on disability and special education.
Helping Men Feel Better
Coping with a child's diagnosis can be challenging for men; however, here are ways to help you navigate through this process to feel better about it:
• Educate Yourself: Learn about your child's specific diagnosis, strengths, challenges, and the available resources and support systems.
• Seek Professional Guidance: Connect with specialists, therapists, educators, and support groups who can provide valuable insights and guidance.
• Talk About Your Feelings: It's okay to feel a range of emotions, including sadness, frustration, or even guilt.
• Involve Yourself in the Process: Take an active role in your child's education by attending meetings with teachers and therapists, and participating in the Individualized Education Program (IEP) process.
• Connect with Other Parents: Seek out support groups or online communities where you can connect with other parents facing similar challenges.
• Focus on Your Child's Strengths: Celebrate your child's successes and strengths, no matter how small.
• Take Care of Yourself: Coping with a special education diagnosis can be emotionally and physically draining. Remember to take care of yourself, both mentally and physically.
• Set Realistic Expectations: Recognize that progress may be gradual and that each child's journey is unique.
• Ask Questions: There is no need in withholding your questions. Ask how this new diagnosis may impact your child and family. As the cliché goes, “No question is a dumb question.”
A Message to Fathers
You already have a wealth of information about your child because you know your child well, so feel confident. I know that this journey may be surprising for you and difficult emotionally. Nevertheless, I encourage you to have open dialogues about your feelings and concerns. Remember, feelings of sadness or any other emotion are normal and valid.
Being involved and supportive of your child's special education journey is meaningful. Seek help and resources when needed, and know that your efforts make a positive difference in your child's life. Continue to provide emotional support, model appropriate behavior, spend quality time with your child, provide structure, give educational support, promote social skills, participate in activities, listen and communicate, teach coping skills, and celebrate achievements, even small ones. Since each child is unique, tailor your approach to your child’s individual needs, strengths, and interests. You will make a lasting and meaningful impact on your child’s life.
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