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Key points
- Some individuals have an aversion to oral sex, despite its ubiquity and normalization in modern sexual scripts.
- Dislike of oral sex can involve receiving, giving, or both.
- Oral sex aversion can be situated in a present sexual relationship or originate in past sexual traumatic experiences.
- Sexual aversions should always be communicated between partners.
Oral sex has not always occupied the ubiquitous and normalized social state in sexual scripts as it does today. Current sexual scripts involving oral sex only came about around the end of the twentieth century. Indeed, attitudes around oral sex have shifted dramatically since the early twentieth century when it was referred to as the genital kiss (Hunt and Curtis, 2006).
Still, despite the advanced normalization of oral sex, not everyone that is sexually active engages in this sexual behavior. Not only do some individuals choose not to engage in oral sex—some have an outright aversion to the act.
For those individuals who do not wish to engage in oral sex, the dislike can be for receiving, giving, or both. For this reason, I will break up the common accounts offered by individuals into each of these categories:
Why Someone May Not Enjoy Giving Oral Sex
Taste and/or smell is, perhaps, the most common response given for an aversion to oral sex. This is often simply a matter of preference, and not necessarily related to claims of uncleanliness. It is also not gender-specific. Both men and women claim that the reason they do not engage in oral sex is on account of taste and/or smell. Some even add another sensory reason into the mix—they do not like the texture.
Some individuals have an easily-triggered gag reflex. They may find the reflex embarrassing or they may dislike the feeling of gagging enough to avoid any action that may set it off.
Not wanting bodily secretions in their mouth is another reason some avoid oral sex. Just the possibility triggers a level of disgust in some people that prevents them from wanting to go south.
Past events may need to be considered when addressing sexual aversions. Oral sex can produce a triggering event for those who have past experiences with sexual trauma.
There may be a concern that they are not capable of performing oral sex well. For these individuals, it would be better to not try than try and potentially be embarrassed.
Maybe the avoidant partner is simply selfish; this is always a possibility. They may be perfectly happy receiving oral sex—they may even expect it—but have no intention of returning the favor purely out of a position of self-centeredness. This falls in line with the same mentality of a person who is only interested in having their own orgasm, but not taking part in their partner’s orgasm.
For some, oral sex is considered to be too intimate. This could stem from seemingly unrelated intimacy issues with their partner, but it could also be that the act itself is viewed as too intimate. If it does originate from discomfort with one’s partner, then that needs to be addressed before any considerations about oral sex.
And finally, in the socialization process, an individual may have adopted the position that oral sex is morally wrong or it is something that only certain, often stigmatized, groups participate in, but not others. In collecting sexual narratives for a research project (2020), for example, I met “Lynette” who told me that she grew up being informed that what made a woman a "whore" is performing oral sex on a man. While Lynette no longer accepts this sexual script, she still cannot bring herself to perform oral sex on her partner due to the echo of that proclamation found in her childhood.
Why Some People Dislike Receiving Oral Sex
Just as some individuals have an aversion to the smell and/or taste of others’ genitals, some also are self-conscious about their own scent and taste. They may be self-conscious enough to prevent their partner from giving.
Not everyone is an expert when it comes to oral sex techniques. Also, not everyone is willing to communicate to their partner about what to do and what does and does not feel good to them. Being afraid to tell their partner they are not doing it in a pleasurable manner, in order to spare their feelings, does not benefit anyone. Some people would just as soon say nothing and forgo the act.
Again, past trauma can produce a triggering event when receiving oral sex just as it can when giving oral sex.
Even if one’s partner is a magician when it comes to oral sex and does everything right, some people simply do not like the sensation. In other cases, it may result in the production of too much stimulation and that sensation can be unpleasant for some.
If one has a poor genital self-image, they may not want their partner down there. And finally, as above, Intimacy issues may be at play.
What This Means for Partners
It’s perfectly normal to dislike oral sex—either receiving or giving. There is no sexual covenant stating that one must like and perform oral sex.
One also does not need to confine themself to accepted socio-sexual scripts. It's acceptable to break from those cultural and sexual scripts that claim “oral sex is the best feeling” or “oral sex is the best and easiest way for a woman to orgasm.”
If there are intimacy issues in a relationship or if oral sex can trigger a response to past trauma, those are issues that need to be addressed separately. Reactions to oral sex as a sexual behavior could be an indicator of serious, underlying problems. On the whole, these things need to be communicated between partners and navigated together.
Oral sex can be wonderful, amazing, and fun. In order for that to happen, however, everyone needs to want to take part in it—and there shouldn't be shaming of those who just aren't into it.
References
Hunt, A., & Curtis B. (2006). A genealogy of the genital kiss: Oral sex in the twentieth century. The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality, 15(2), 69-84.
Wahl, D.W. (2020). Speaking through the silence: Narratives, interaction, and the construction of sexual selves. Proquest.
