Challenging the Orgasm Expectation and Developing Sexual Mindfulness

This post was co-authored by Naomi Inman, an undergraduate at BYU, and co-authored by Dr. Chelom Leavitt.

Many couples believe that both partners must orgasm every time they have sex to rate their sexual relationship as a success. But a mindset like this can be problematic because it establishes an expectation that can be hard to reach. Most men experience orgasm quite regularly, but women experience orgasms in a variety of ways.[i] Women also have different needs than men to achieve orgasm. Because of these differences, having the same expectations about orgasms for men and women may be a setup for failure. Rather than focusing on orgasm as the ultimate goal of sex, couples might want to shift the focus of sex to intimacy to enrich their relationships and have more satisfying sex.

Orgasm Expectation

The expectation for orgasm, particularly for women, might contribute to unhealthy expectations. A man may unknowingly be pressuring—sometimes with good intentions and sometimes selfishly—his partner to orgasm when she may not feel ready or inclined to. This often happens because men’s sexual satisfaction is improved both by their own orgasm frequency and by their partner’s satisfaction.[ii] Wanting your partner to feel pleasure is wonderful but putting pressure on them isn’t. Some men want their partner to orgasm so they can feel more satisfaction and like they’ve been a “good lover.”

However, research shows the idea that orgasm is the only measure of satisfying and successful sex just isn’t accurate. Do women need to orgasm? Yes![iii] But just how often is dependent on the woman.[iv] A cultural focus/emphasis on women’s orgasm creates some obstacles for couples. This focus can

• Create a distorted idea of the role of orgasm for women
• Make men feel judged poorly as a sex partner if the couple encounters obstacles
• Pressure women to fake orgasms to avoid awkwardness or shame with their partner

The reality is women usually need longer, slower sexual experiences to orgasm. They need more attention given to emotional intimacy and relational quality. Having the expectation that we have to orgasm every time, can pressure women by making them feel as though they have to push towards orgasm or fake an orgasm in order to have a “successful” sexual experience. This pressure inhibits women’s ability to reach orgasms.

Goal-Oriented Sex

Goal-oriented sex also limits a couple’s opportunity to create connection, growth, and variety.[v] Goal-oriented sex likely increases anxiety as well.[vi] If couples can instead shift the focus of sex to be about intimacy, they can increase the quality of emotional closeness and trust in the relationship. A focus on sharing feelings and openly expressing thoughts is more likely to result in great sex than a focus on orgasm.[vii] By shifting the goal of sex away from orgasming to simply enjoying intimacy, couples can explore and feel closer to one another—which ultimately leads to better sex.

What Can We Focus on Instead? Sexual Mindfulness

Sexual mindfulness has been linked in research to more consistent orgasm and sexual satisfaction.[viii] But what exactly is sexual mindfulness? Sexual mindfulness is a practice of being present, aware, engaged, and nonjudgmental during sex. Sexual mindfulness is a way to practice taking expectations out of sex and enjoying sexual experiences as they are. Can you pay attention to the sensations of touch, smell, or taste in each moment? Does your mind wander during sex? If your mind does wander, can you bring it back to the moment and stay present and give attentive awareness to your connection and sensation of the moment? Through practicing sexual mindfulness, couples can shift the focus of sex to intimacy.[ix] As sex therapist Esther Perel teaches, we must slow down our sexual intimacy and view sex as a vehicle to deeply connect with our partner.[x] Instead of a focus on numbers—how often we have sex, how many orgasms—be mindful of the quality of sex.

Try taking the focus off orgasm and see if your enjoyment of sex improves. Relax, enjoy each moment, avoid orgasm anxiety, and take the time to deepen your intimacy with your partner.