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Key points
- A couple who sleeps in separate rooms can have a healthy relationship.
- The stigma around sleeping separately is unnecessary and outdated.
- Couples who sleep together don't always have great relationships.
- The couple needs to discuss a revised sleeping arrangement and reassure each other that it's just about sleep.
When I grew up and moved out of my parents’ home, my mother left my father. She didn’t leave, leave him—they were still happily married—but she moved out of their room and slept in my old bedroom for the rest of her life. My dad was a champion snorer and my mom had insomnia and would listen to the news all night on her transistor radio. It was a perfect solution to a sleep mismatch and we didn’t give it a second thought.
Now, we’re hearing about the sleep divorce, when a couple sleeps in separate bedrooms; there’s a lot of discussion about whether it’s bad for the relationship or even perhaps a sign that a real divorce is coming.
You can find articles on the internet: “Is It Okay for Couples to Sleep Apart?” And “Is a Sleep Divorce Healthy for You and Your Partner?” Why is there so much anxiety around something that might provide a better night’s sleep? It’s because of the fear that sleeping apart may indicate wanting distance from a partner.
First, let’s ditch the term sleep divorce and replace it with sleep retreat. Divorce in the context of a marriage can only have negative connotations, so the topic is already skewed—sleeping apart means couple troubles. A retreat, on the other hand, is a place for rest, rejuvenation, and refreshment. Doesn’t that sound much better?
We know all the practical reasons that couples might sleep better in separate rooms:
- Snoring and CPAP machines
- Preferring light or darkness
- Preferring cool or warm room temperature
- Someone has pain or coughing
- A restless or light sleeper
- Night owls versus early bird sleepers
But, despite all those lovely legitimate reasons, there’s still a universal expectation that a happy couple sleeps in the same bed.
That assumption rests on the belief that a healthy couple should want to be physically close, that sleeping in the same bed signals a robust sexual relationship, and that sleeping in separate rooms is what roommates do.
Many couples struggle to keep the romantic spark ignited and physical distance is just one more obstacle for two exhausted people to overcome in the service of sex. Each partner may have a different need to touch and be touched, which is not necessarily a problem unless one of them experiences it as such.
How does a person privilege a good night’s sleep without sacrificing the yummy feeling of physical closeness? The answer lies in each person thinking about the importance of their relationship and tweaking things, leading to good sleep and staying close. The couple will need to have an open conversation and, if one person wants to relocate to sleep, do a lot of reassuring. This is motivated by nothing more than needing to sleep.
Two suggestions:
- If sleeping separately will provide you with better quality sleep, start the night together in the same bed for a half hour so you can talk, or maybe hug.
- If you need your sleep space during your busy week, enjoy a sleepover on weekends; this may allow good sleep during the week and physical closeness on the weekends.
Additional suggestions that might make the weekend nights you sleep together easier:
- Invest in a king-size bed
- Get two separate duvets; each person can be warm or cool as preferred
Healthy couples who sleep separately can be as happy as healthy couples who sleep together. Ditch the stigma and do what you need to welcome each day refreshed. Good night!
