The Fear Factor: How Singlehood and Self-Esteem Drive Dating

In their song, "I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)," The Proclaimers declare, "I would walk 500 miles. And I would walk 500 more. Just to be the man who walked a thousand miles to fall down at your door."

We often go to great lengths—500 miles or more!—to find or keep a romantic partner. In fact, even in a time of uncertainty and inflation, a third of Millennials spend $100 or more just on a first date.

What motivates this effort? A recent study published in Adaptive Human Behavior and Physiology (April 2024), sought to find out.

The study, which was conducted at a private university in the Republic of Cyprus and a private university in Turkey, surveyed 990 participants to understand how the fear of being single influenced how much effort people put into dating. The study included 568 women (with a mean age of 33.4), 412 men (with a mean age of 34.8), 6 participants who indicated their sex as ‘other,’ and 4 who did not indicate their sex. In the entire sample, 25.9% of the participants reported being in a relationship, 20.1% were involuntarily single, 19.3% were married, 18.7% were between relationships, 12.0% indicated being voluntarily single, and 4.0% chose to classify their relationship status as ‘other.'

The participants were asked about the mating effort they put into finding long-term relationships ("I dedicate all my energy to romantic relationships") and to rate the following statements on a scale from 1 (strongly disagree) to 5 (strongly agree):

• If I end up alone in life, I will probably feel like there is something wrong with me.
• I feel anxious when I think about being single forever.
• Loneliness scares me.
• It scares me not to have an intimate partner by my side.
• It scares me to be single.

The study found that those who feared being single were more likely to invest significant time and resources into attracting and maintaining relationships. Fear of singlehood, or anxiety about being without a romantic partner, emerged as a powerful motivator. This fear pushes individuals to work harder at dating, whether it's spending more time on physical appearance, planning more social activities, or engaging in online dating. Essentially, the more someone fears being alone, the more effort they put into finding a partner. On the other hand, people who chose to be single voluntarily showed less fear and, consequently, put in less effort. Contrary to how popular culture may display the fear of singledom among the sexes, there were no significant differences found between sexes.

Participants were also asked about their self-esteem ("I feel I do not have much to be proud of"). In evaluating self-esteem and dating effort, two paths emerged: As it turns out, self-esteem plays a crucial role in both in dating effort and fear of loneliness: People with higher self-esteem tend to feel more secure about their ability to attract and keep a partner, which reduces their fear of singlehood. As a result, they don’t feel the need to try as hard when dating and are therefore less invested in it. Interestingly, the researchers also found a direct effect in which higher self-esteem was associated with higher mating effort, such that "perhaps those with higher self-esteem invest more effort because they are confident it will be successful." There were also no sex differences found when evaluating self-esteem.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, the study also found that relationship status affects fear of singlehood. People who were involuntarily single—those who wanted a relationship but struggled to find one—experienced the highest levels of fear and, thus, put in the most effort. In contrast, those who were single by choice or participants who were already in a relationship had lower levels of fear and invested less effort.

From an evolutionary perspective, finding a partner was essential for survival and reproduction. Fear of being single may have evolved to motivate people to find a mate and pass on their genes. In our modern world, understanding this fear of singlehood can help us better understand ourselves and better navigate our romantic lives, namely recognizing that having a high fear of singlehood may lead to unhealthy compromises, while a low fear could result in insufficient effort, which can inform strategies or interventions to better meet our goals.