The Key to Effective Discipline

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By Drs. E Sylvester & K Scherer.

Children’s misbehaviors are some of the most stressful and exasperating parts of parenting. However, we may not realize how our own emotional reactions can worsen the behavior. Sometimes, our attempts to discipline can backfire.

Misbehavior is far more likely when children are emotionally upset or dysregulated. Is your child hitting? He’s probably overly mad. Is he crying and clinging? Likely scared. Behaving annoyingly? May want attention. How about sneaking? She may fear she won’t get what she wants if she asks for it. (And she may be right.) Children that act out always have a reason, and the reason is often that they are upset.

Children don’t express themselves like adults do; they tend to communicate their distress through behavior — often misbehavior. And their strong negative feelings and behavior are likely to provoke the adults around them. As a result, parents often become emotionally dysregulated while dealing with misbehaving children.

If we’re honest, most parents know the feelings of frustration, anxiety, dread, and embarrassment that we grapple with when children are screaming in public, still tantruming after 15 minutes, or clinging and refusing to say hello to grandma. These incidents can challenge our emotional stability and easily topple us into behaviors and reactions that we would never have planned.

Two dysregulated people, even if they are parent and child, can cause mutual escalation. The parents’ distress can lead them to be overly harsh or insensitive, further upsetting their children and so on, sometimes to an unfortunate end.

Dysregulation is contagious. We as humans can match the emotional state of the person across from us, which can give rise to wonderful moments of emotional resonance, or equally intense and painful moments of hostility. As a result of our neurobiological wiring, we can track another person’s emotional state without even realizing it.

When we sense another’s stress or negative emotions, we respond automatically. Children or parents can go into a defensive state, such as "fight or flight" (sympathetic nervous system), when they sense another’s anger or feel threatened. Defensive responses can include aggressive feelings or actions or, on the other hand, physical or emotional shutdown.

The good news is that just as negative feelings and emotional escalation can pass from one person to another, so can positive feelings of calm and stability. When children interact with a settled adult, their nervous systems sense this. It is perceived as a cue of safety.

When a safe and regulated adult is present, children's negative emotions can diminish, stabilize, or at least escalate less quickly. In other words, a regulated adult can avoid fanning the flames of a child's intense feelings.

So, how can adults do this? The key is to know yourself and prioritize emotional regulation. In the heat of the moment, you can focus on calming your nervous system before you act on impulse. You may be able to do this by taking some deep breaths, going to another room, repeating a mantra to yourself, or doing whatever works for you.

How you communicate in stressful moments can help you feel regulated, or at least appear to be more regulated. For example, you can adjust your tone of voice, rate of speech, facial expressions, or posture to appear calm and emotionally available. In these moments, adults are good role models for calming and self-control.

However, the most robust and reliable ability to self-regulate does not come from what we do in the moment of upset, but rather from the quality of our day-to-day self-care. It helps if we reduce our stress, connect with friends, or take time for a spiritual practice.

Your physical care, including diet, sleep, and physical activity, also promote self-regulation. Whichever is helpful to you is where you can put your focus. The closer to balance you are, the less daunting regulation will be.

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The benefits of being a regulated adult are manifold. When regulated and grounded, we are better able to honor boundaries, which helps us acknowledge and respect the differences between ourselves and our children.

Childish upset does not need to become our upset. Our child’s loss of control does not need to become our loss of control. Regulated adults are better able to:

1. Clearly set family rules and boundaries
2. Tolerate disruptions or mistakes
3. Get difficult interactions back on track
4. Allow children time and space to calm themselves
5. Avoid impulsivity and make thoughtful decisions
6. Find the stability to support children in their struggles
7. Build trust and security with children
8. Feel comfort with oneself and create comfort with others
9. Create a more peaceful home environment

When we practice regulation when upset, interrupting an aggressive or dismissive urge, we are literally laying neurological pathways to aid us in self-control in the future. Like a well-worn path, once we have rehearsed coping with distress and returning to a calm state before acting, we find it is easier to repeat in the future.

If you want a peaceful child, and a peaceful home, finding your way to a peaceful self is the path.