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January has always been a time of reflection for me. This year, while opening my new 2023 calendar, I began to think about the most impactful and life-changing events of my life, and how those events brought me to where I am now as a mental health advocate. It may be that the most significant turning point of my life was a trip to live and volunteer with the poor in Nairobi, Kenya, in the summer of 2002.
When I began college in 1999, I was passionate about medical research. In addition to my studies, I was given the remarkable opportunity to work in two molecular biology laboratories, and dreamed of devoting my career to the study of cancer or HIV.
Over the course of my life, I have tried to live in such a way that will always make a positive impact on other people. It was with this goal that I decided to travel to Africa. I planned to live in Africa during the summer of 2002, following my junior year of college, hoping to see the effects of the HIV virus first-hand. I also wanted to better understand the culture and gain an international perspective. My dream was to return to the United States, obtain an M.D. or Ph.D. degree to do research, and hopefully, return to Africa someday as a medical professional.
However, as I made plans for my two-and-a-half-month visit to Africa, I did not understand that something had gone awry with my mind. I was unable to concentrate on school, and my grades dropped significantly. This was a remarkable change for me. Despite this change, and even as things were beginning to fall apart, I remained laser-focused on going to Africa with a rigid resolve.
I was also having increasingly unrealistic expectations about the impact I would make while there. I hoped to radically change many lives during my summer trip. As I approached the day that I would fly overseas, I began to experience delusions, which are fixed false beliefs, though I was unaware. My goal to radically and immediately change the lives of many Africans living in poverty was impossible.
While in Africa, I contributed my time to help wherever I was needed in a medical clinic located in the impoverished slum area where I lived. The clinic was founded by a physician from Australia whom I admired and hoped to emulate. I greeted people who came to the clinic and even sat in on appointments to watch the clinicians work first-hand.
However, while there, I noticed that most of the people in the community where I lived did not have money to purchase basics like butter. Instead of menstrual pads, my African friends used rags. The small Nairobi house I lived in had almost no furniture, and there was no refrigerator. There was very little food. While living in the slum, I lost a significant amount of weight. Looking back, I wonder if these environmental stressors hastened the development of my schizophrenia.
I remember speaking too fast while in Africa and being unable to concentrate, but I never considered that anything was seriously wrong with my mind.
The delusions I had begun to experience while preparing to travel to Africa only grew stronger while I was living there. I soon became certain that I would help millions of people living in poverty in Africa, and I expected to do it that same year, though I did not know how it would happen. This was my first clinical encounter with the other world of schizophrenia.
Unfortunately, after coming back from Africa that fall semester, unable to concentrate, I failed all my classes. I told myself I was not trying in school and that I could excel if I really wanted to, which was in fact not true. I was living in an entirely unrealistic and confusing delusional world.
Today, I am thankful for the sense of purpose I found on my Africa trip, which I still carry with me. I have dedicated my life to assisting the mentally ill in America who are forgotten, needy, and marginalized. I continue to do my best to make a positive impact on the lives of others.
For over 15 years, my delusions have been in full remission, thanks to a medication I take every day, which feels like a miracle. As I start 2023, I hope that my former experience with all the symptoms of my schizophrenia, including my delusions, will make me a better mental health advocate, helping the general public better understand the experience of schizophrenia and recovery.
Today, there is so much hope for individuals with schizophrenia symptoms on the newer medications and on clozapine, pending faithful medication compliance. I look forward to another year of purpose educating and advocating for the mentally ill, and I am thankful for my recovery every day.
