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Relationships
Two Key Reasons Differences in Opinion Damage Relationships
Approach conflict with curiosity, not threat. Use the "OOPS" skill.
Posted June 20, 2024 Reviewed by Ray Parker
Key points
- Threats can be triggered by differences of opinion, which can lead to conflict.
- When in threat, it's difficult to remember the big picture.
- Coping styles can increase conflict.
Do you see differences of opinion as normal? Do you believe everyone is entitled to their own beliefs and thoughts? Do you also find it difficult to become or remain friends with or work with someone who has different beliefs and ideas than you?
Most people would agree that everyone has a right to their own opinion. Yet disagreements from small issues, such as how to load the dishwasher or whose turn it is to pick up the check, to larger issues, such as political differences, can strain relationships and even break them. Having differences of opinion can lead to destructive conflict. What’s going on here?
Research indicates that there are physiological reasons why we react strongly to the very differences see as normal. When someone agrees with us, our reward system is activated. We get that dopamine rush that can be addictive—we want more of that. When someone agrees with us, we feel validated. We like being right. We’re in our safety zone, and that’s where we can bond with others. When others agree with you, it feels like they are on your team. In relationships, this is like finding similarities with someone and deepening our connection.
When someone expresses a different opinion than ours, that can activate our threat system. We are on guard, tense, and ready to fight or run away. Think about the last disagreement you had with someone. Was it difficult to remain curious and interested in their opinion? Too often, in that situation, we are arguing (fight response) or ready to abandon the relationship (flight response). The threat may be that we don’t like the idea of being wrong. It can feel like we’re not on the same side and that we can’t trust the other person; they are against us. In addition, we may see our self-worth as tied to whether we are right or not. Our opinion is our truth. When what we think is tied to our identity and how worthwhile we see ourselves, then being wrong is a threat to our view of ourselves. Of course, we’ll defend ourselves in that situation. Huge issues are tied to what is often a simple disagreement.
There’s more to consider. Your coping style may add to the conflict. If you are in a relationship with someone who tends to cope with disagreements by fighting, and you tend to cope by fleeing, then that adds another level of tension and threat. The person who copes by fighting is likely to feel abandoned by the person who copes by fleeing. The person who copes by fleeing is likely to feel “attacked” by the person who copes by fighting.
In addition to the physiological responses that can occur when you hear different beliefs and opinions, there are cognitive reasons, too. We humans are really good at seeing the weaknesses in the arguments of others and tend to be blind to the weaknesses in our own positions. We tend to search for and take in information that confirms our position and disregard information that doesn’t support our view (confirmation bias). We can be rigid in our thinking, which doesn’t help us listen to others, compromise, or even see when we are wrong.
Enhancing and Embracing the Relationship During Conflict
Conflict doesn't have to be destructive. Conflict can deepen your connections if you approach it with a willingness to learn and have compassion for the other person. Here are some ideas to help.
1. Understand the root cause of the conflict and remember your goal. It's not about power or winning; it's about connection.
2. Work on staying in your safety system. Staying out of flight/fight means you can listen more effectively and express yourself more clearly. You also won’t be sending “we’re at war” signals to the other person. You can stay in your social safety system by breathing deeply, relaxing your muscles, leaning back, raising your eyebrows, and sipping on water. It’s an ongoing process that you’ll need to keep repeating. And one of the best ways, in a personal relationship, is to use the “OOPS” skill from radically open dialectical behavior therapy (RO DBT). When you say words you didn’t mean to say, or you realize you got a fact wrong, widen your eyes, shrug your shoulders, and say, “OOPS.” That can take the tension and threat out of the interaction quickly.
3. Have compassion for the other person. The other person in the conflict is going through human struggles and suffering, just as you are. It's part of being human. Compassion means that we don't want to add to the suffering of the other person and that we strive to bring kindness and understanding to the interaction. You might practice a loving-kindness meditation to help you reach a place of compassion. Now, this doesn't mean just to give in and let people walk over you. Keep your boundaries with kindness.
4. Consciously adopt an attitude of curiosity. When you realize that there’s a disagreement, instead of locking in to defend your position, focus on understanding the other person’s point of view. Really listen. Ask questions. Understanding doesn’t mean agreeing. Maybe you will even find a solution that works for both of you if you understand the point of view of the other person.
5. Explain your actions if you need to take a break. People process information differently. Some may need time to understand the reasons underlying their point of view. They may need time to think through what is important to them and what they want to say. If this is you, let the other person know you need some time to think. This is not meant to be used as a way to pout or punish the other person with the silent treatment. Be sure to get back to the other person when you are ready.
6. Remember the big picture. When you are in a disagreement, it’s easy to put blinders on and only focus on your negative judgments of the other person based on the disagreement. Your relationship is probably so much bigger than this one interaction. Remember the overall relationship.
Remember also your goals for this interaction. What outcome do you want? Is keeping the relationship a priority over "winning?" What are your values in having a difference of opinion with someone? What would it look like for you to stay focused on the goal and to stick to your values in the conflict?
Remember, too, that differences of opinion are normal.
7. Consider the level of intimacy you want with this person. Not every person you have in your life needs to be at higher levels of intimacy, such as best friends and confidantes or a romantic partner. The differences you are willing to accept in an acquaintance or an activity-based friend (a friend for bowling or volunteering, etc.) could be different. So, keep in mind that with acquaintances and casual friendships, you don’t need to disclose your innermost thoughts and feelings. If you have significant differences that block a close relationship, you can keep the relationship but at a less intimate level.
Having effective conversations during conflict is challenging. With practice, though, you can grow through a conflict, deepen connections, and gain a greater understanding of others.
