Letting Go With Grace: How to Fall Out of Love

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Love is a complex emotion, one that we write movies, poems, and books about. Having the greatest love story ever told, finding your soulmate, and connecting with the person you want to spend your life with is what many dream of regardless of age. But love stories don't always have happy endings and relationships don't always go as planned. Whether you were left or you ended the relationship, knowing how to let go of a relationship with self-compassion and integrity is a skill.

1. Accept the importance of grieving and think about what you are grieving. You were with this person for a reason and perhaps had imagined spending your life with them. Maybe you are grieving the loss of dreams of the future. Or maybe the positives about the relationship (they had a great sense of fun) even though overall the relationship didn't work. Perhaps you are leaving a relationship that wasn't healthy but your emotions aren't logical and while you know you need to let go, you still love this person. Pushing away emotions doesn't work. Accept them, feel them, and let them pass naturally. "I miss the ____________ and I'm feeling empty without it."

2. Reflect on the relationship. Consider what you have learned, how you have changed as a person, and what you might do differently in future relationships. Research has shown that the broken-hearted who reflect on their relationship is likely to have a stronger recovery than those who don't. But the way you talk about it matters. You want to rebuild or strengthen your sense of who you are independent of the relationship.

When you are in love the intimacy you build means that you share so much of yourself with the other person--there's an intertwining of your lives. Both of you change as you learn and share through your experiences together. Reflect on what you learned, what meaning the relationship had in your life, and what you need to rebuild for yourself.

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3. Talk about it! Be careful of the story that you give yourself and others. It is an ending, but it is not a loss of ever being happy again (though it might feel that way) and it's not a rejection of you. A relationship not working means the fit wasn't there, not that you aren't a desirable partner. So listen to the wisdom of those you trust. Let your loved ones help you process what you have experienced and what you can learn.

4. Create distance. Playing "your song" over and over is likely to increase your sadness. If you need help finding your sadness, then this may work, but otherwise don't go there. Give yourself some space to heal. If you find yourself ruminating about the relationship, then engage in activities that occupy your mind. Let go of reminders of the past for now.

5. Nurture yourself. Be compassionate and kind to yourself. It will take some time to let go and that's okay. Watch out for a tendency to blame, either yourself or the other person. Blame is usually unhelpful. Focus on self-care and on being around people who support you. Reclaim what you need to have in your life that you may have lost. Perhaps you were in a running group together, for example, and you don't feel comfortable continuing. Then find a new group for yourself.

6. Remember the negatives as well as the positives. When you leave a relationship, you may tend to remember all the positives of the relationship and forget the negatives. The mind focuses on what's lost, not what's gained. Journal or find other ways to remember the whole of the relationship, the reality of the relationship so you don't romanticize it in your mind and forget the truth.

Remember that healing takes time. There will be ups and downs. Stay focused on allowing this to be a natural part of the human experience (we all go through it) and this challenging journey can also bring growth and a positive transformation.