Why We Can't Fix Other People

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The philosopher David Hume wrote, "Reason is and ought only to be a slave of the passions." He meant that our minds should serve our preferences, creating goals for them in the ways middle managers may work for their companies' CEOs. The problem with this perspective, however, is that our preferences aren't always good for us and, if actualized, carry significant costs. Some people prefer to only believe something when it fits a preference, discounting facts to the contrary when accepting them feels too difficult. Serving truth, on the other hand, is distinct from serving desire, which isn't always a bad thing. However, when we fail to acknowledge a truth that would serve us because we're scared, we miss out on some of the most important gifts the world can offer us.

If reason is a slave to one's preferences, we're more likely to engage in emotional reasoning, using our emotional states to define reality while creating justifications for them.

If, for example, you compliment me, and I become anxious, it must mean that I should mistrust your compliment (thus I miss out on feeling good and a potential connection). Yet, if I already trust you and you compliment me, I might quickly discount some of the reasons why I should be more skeptical. Many of my perfectionist clients, due to their intense needs to control and predict, have a proclivity to black-and-white thinking, where the world is divided between the good and the bad. Thus, their judgments are, for the most part, based on their preferences. When they dislike someone (usually someone they don't know), they create reasons to reject them. When they like them, they search for reasons to excuse them.

So often, therapy stagnates, in part, because fear precludes them from accepting anything positive about themselves (unless, in a low-cost manner, it allows them to feel comparatively superior and doesn't imply the need for change and to address regret). And, it may also stagnate because while willing to admit their more minor mistakes (usually to preempt criticism), they tend to deny significant misdeeds, regardless of the evidence. When people say "You'll change when you're ready to," this is what they mean.

Many of us take on the responsibility of cultivating good arguments for our loved ones (and even patients), as though the bad ones are preventing growth. In some sense they are, but not of their own accord. As difficult as it is to say, sometimes, people don't want to improve because they don't want to change and risk failure. This means that they'll automatically (or unconsciously) find reasons to discount praise and encouragement; they'll blame you for lacking effort; and they'll deny sabotaging your attempts. Reason serves their passions.

However, to be fair, the rest of us are not completely without blame. A high degree of patience is required. And, unlike the perfectionist, one would need to reject the notion of fixing anyone. Once we accept that a loved one who's struggling isn't always thinking clearly, we can focus on learning how to try to help them and ourselves.

If that individual isn't able to accept a compliment, we can validate their feelings. Accepting a compliment may mean dealing with unresolved guilt. "Shouldn't they have done more with a particular talent since it was gifted to them?" It may also entail anxiety. "How can I try to make the most of it now?" It may also entail sadness. "I won't be able to deal with failure." We can remind ourselves that praise and reassurance only go so far. The individual's inability to accept reality serves as a barrier to a slew of unwanted, intense feelings.

Again, I advocate for patience. I use this to remind each of us of our limitations. Therapists experience these barriers frequently, and they're the reasons why cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), which focuses on changing unrealistic thinking, can be a dead-end. Perfectionists, for example, get trapped in the details, considering so much of life, and its choices, to be significant. Any risk may feel too risky. You can try to reframe their beliefs all you want, but if they don't believe they can handle any degree of stress, they'll create reasons to reject the validity of your comments. This isn't to say that CBT is ineffective; it's to say that, in addition to reframed thoughts or praise, one ought to be able to help the patient merely sit with their feelings, which, in turn, may help them tolerate them better.

And you can also remind yourself that you aren't that different. Just as your loved one or patient struggles to feel some of their feelings, so do you. In desperately wanting to fix our patients, we face our ineptitude and shame, standing on the edge of a chasm between who we are and who we can be. That's why our patients scare us, but it's also what connects us. Imagine saying, "I feel that same way, too." Would that be helpful?