Playing Favorites Gives a Narcissistic Co-Parent Control

Narcissistic co-parents are often manipulative from the start. Typically, they play the victim and triangulate, aligning the kids with them and against the emotionally healthy parent. Playing favorites is an additional way the narcissistic parent triangulates and unscrupulously gains emotional control of the kids. However, a parent who is savvy to these manipulative tactics may be better equipped to intervene.

Playing the Victim

In front of the kids, a narcissistic parent often acts like he or she has been victimized by the other parent. By exaggerating and distorting the healthy parent’s actions and words, the narcissistic co-parent can quickly convince the kids that he or she was egregiously wronged by the healthy parent.

For example, “Your dad destroyed me. I’ll never be the same. He abandoned me after 10 years to run off and do his own thing. I’ll never recover.”

Naturally, most kids feel compelled to protect a “vulnerable” attachment figure, so they may leap to the “injured” co-parent’s defense.

Next, the narcissistic parent may invite the child to take care of him or her, and the child may feel responsible for this parent’s emotional welfare. Afraid to harm the “fragile” parent any further, the child placates, appeases, and strives to shelter the parent from additional hurt. Yet, a child who feels as if a parent’s emotional well-being falls on his or her shoulders often experiences tremendous anxiety.

Although this intentional and purposeful attempt to put the kids in the middle is harmful to the children, the narcissistic parent may not care. He or she is fixated on hurting the healthy parent because he or she is jealous and threatened by the genuinely close relationship the secure parent has with the kids. In addition, seeking to hurt the person who dared to leave him or her is appealing to a narcissist.

Playing Favorites

To sustain his or her emotional control over the children, the narcissist usually plays favorites. The child who agrees with the narcissist’s negative perception of the opposite parent and displays complete loyalty to the narcissist is consistently showered with accolades, attention, and rewards. The child who dares to disagree with the narcissist is subtly devalued and emotionally abandoned by the narcissist.

Now, the child who is idealized is determined to remain in the manipulative parent’s good graces, so he or she continues to serve this parent, and the child who is devalued by the narcissist does everything in his or her power to regain the narcissist’s approval and love. Both children clamor to please the narcissist in order to secure their relationship and avoid emotional abandonment.

In addition, the narcissistic parent uses the favorite child as his or her eyes and ears during the children’s time with the other parent. Acting almost as the narcissist’s minion, the elevated child reports the innocuous parent’s doings to the narcissist. The narcissist then uses this “reconnaissance” to distort and sabotage the innocent parent’s plans and activities.

Moreover, the favorite child may also “tattletale” on the other children if they show affection, love, and loyalty to the healthy parent during their time with this parent. After the visit, the narcissist may passive-aggressively punish the children for this and subtly relay that he or she does not approve. In hopes of avoiding the shame and humiliation of emotional abuse, the children may choose to comply with the narcissist’s wishes.

The overall problem in this scenario is that the narcissist manipulates the children into abandoning the secure attachment figure. Feeling forced to reject a healthy and vital attachment figure in order to solidify an insecure bond may cause the children intense inner conflict. Often, their mental health plummets, and they are plagued with anxiety.

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Completely opposite of the narcissistic co-parent, the healthy parent rarely places the children in the middle; nor does he or she play favorites or withdraw love when the child voices an opposite opinion. Also, the emotionally safe parent does not require that the children choose one parent over the other. He or she encourages the children to love the opposite parent and supports this parent. Unfortunately, despite the incredible unfairness of the situation, the emotionally intelligent parent should be proud of their choices and stay the course.

Although it is distressing, a parent who is in the grips of this scenario needs to clearly understand the narcissist’s manipulative tactics. Possessing knowledge of a narcissistic co-parent’s manipulations is the first step toward intervening in an emotionally safe and effective manner.