An Epidemic of Kids With Sleep Difficulties and an Inability to Accept Limits

For years I have been wondering why we have an epidemic in this country.

COVID-19?

No. That’s (almost) over. Or at least it’s not as dangerous as it was.

I am talking about an epidemic amongst infants and children: an epidemic of sleep difficulties, crankiness, and an inability to accept limits.

And an epidemic of exhausted and overwhelmed parents.

I’m wondering why so many children and so many parents are having such a hard time.

I am wondering why parents are sleeping in their children’s rooms—or in their children’s beds—and why children are sleeping in their parents’ beds.

I am wondering why every decision between parent and child is a negotiation and why parents follow every request they make of their child with “OK?”

Evidently, I have a friend in Caroline Goldman, a French psychologist who has also been wondering about these things. According to the French newspaper, Le Monde, eight years ago, Goldman saw an influx of “restless” children in her practice despite the fact that these children wanted for nothing.

Goldman felt that these kids were being “pampered to the point of excess,” and she thought that they were suffering from “a worrying lack of … boundaries.”

In the podcast that made her famous (more than a million listens) and in her latest book, File dans ta Chambre! (“Go to Your Room!”), this French doctor of psychology said she shared the same observation with many childcare professionals in France where the incidence of behavioral disorders is exploding.

And of course, France isn’t the only place where this is true.

But, again, why?

I have thought about this a great deal—and as an older person, I have often wondered if it has something to do with the differences in my upbringing and that of people from my generation and before, and the upbringing of children over the past several decades.

I have no definitive answers as to why these things are going on now but I do have some observations:

1. Generational boundaries have been erased.

When I was growing up in the 1950s and '60s, parents did not ask their children if it was OK with the child to do this or that. We were just told what to do—and there was an expectation that we would do it. Also, parents did not sit on the floor with their children to play every day. Parents worked and made meals and took care of the house. Children played. On their own. Outside. Inside. They just played and used their imaginations, and, yes, they watched TV sometimes and it didn’t seem to hurt them/us.

2. There were rules.

We weren’t allowed to do lots of things. And we were supposed to do certain things. And we knew it. It was clear.

We had to do our homework and usually no one sat with us to do it. If we didn’t do it, we got in trouble at school.

3. There were punishments.

We learned that our parents meant what they said. But, mostly, punishments were not necessary. In my house, a glare from my father was enough. And, yes, we were a little afraid of him.

4. We had freedom.

From the age of 4 or 5, we were allowed to play outside with our friends after school and on weekends. Some of us had music lessons or Scouts, but we weren’t scheduled all day every day unless it looked like we were going to have a professional career in dance or skating or music.

5. Our parents did not expect to be perfect parents.

• They did not make our baby food.
• They did not carry us around in slings all day when we were babies.
• As infants and toddlers, we spent time in playpens with our toys. We were safe. And our parents could get things done.
• Parents sometimes got angry and yelled.
• They did not feel they needed to be “present” at all times and/or to play with us constantly.

No wonder parents are exhausted now.

Sadly, today, parents feel they have to do everything all the time. And, in most couples, both people work—and no one has enough time for themselves.

No wonder parents are exhausted and overwhelmed. Personally, I think all of this is too much.

And I think it is not working.

I don’t think children are happier now.

Perhaps this sounds like one of those Boomer rants: “We used to play outside until the street lights came on,” etc.

But I don’t mean it to be.

What I mean to say is this: Parents, give yourselves a break. Please.

You really don’t have to do all this.

You really can start setting some more limits with your children. The truth is that while they might not like it at first, your children will feel more secure when they know exactly what you expect from them.

So here are my suggestions:

1. Retrieve the generational boundary.

You and your child are not equals.

Can they have choices sometimes? Yes. But not always.

And you do get to tell them what to do.

And if they ask “Why?” you can explain why or you are allowed to say, “Because I am the Mommy/Daddy.”

Treat your children as your children and not as your peers or friends.

I give you explicit permission to say “No.” Sometimes you are busy and you cannot do what your child wants you to do.

2. Establish rules in your house.

Think about what is allowed and what is not allowed in your house. And then tell your children ahead of time what the rules are. And then tell them what will happen if they don’t go by the rules.

Years and years of research on parenting styles have shown that “authoritative” parenting is the best kind—that means parenting where the parents have rules and are consistent in sticking to them. Children feel safer when there are boundaries and when they are not allowed to exceed these boundaries. Children do better when they know the consequences of their actions. And children feel better when they know they can trust their parents to be consistent.

Do not confuse this parenting style with “authoritarian” parenting, which is not a good parenting style.

3. Talk to your partner (if you have one) about what the consequences will be if your child breaks a rule.

Be on the same page about enforcing limits. And make sure the consequence fits the act. Make sure they are meaningful to your child. For example, if your child doesn’t particularly like sweets, taking away dessert won’t matter to them. But if your child loves using the iPad, taking that away for a day will mean a great deal.

4. Also make sure to give your children some freedom.

It is good for children to have to figure some things out on their own. Let them have plenty of free time to play. As often as possible, get them out of the house. If your neighborhood isn’t safe enough, take them to a park or a playground after school and on the weekends where they can run around or ride their bikes with other kids for a few hours. Bring a book—and tell them to go and play when they ask you to join in. Stay off your phone—so you can relax, too. If you have a yard or a safe neighborhood, let them play outside for hours at a time. No. Insist they play outside for hours at a time. Children need activities that are not curated, where their parents are not watching their every move. And weather is not an excuse. As you’ve probably heard, there is no such thing as bad weather; there’s just bad clothing. Make sure your kids have rain boots and snow boots and raincoats and hats and winter coats and hats and then insist they go outside. And if they don’t want to? They can read a book, too. No screens for at least six hours each weekend or vacation day!

5. And finally, again, give yourselves a break.

You are not perfect; no parent is perfect.

Eventually. if you do these few things—including reframing your expectations for yourself and your children—you may notice that you are less exhausted and less overwhelmed.