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Key points
- Focus on changed behavior, not blame.
- Avoid the word should and focus on future behaviors for positive impact.
- Coaching, not criticizing, fosters learning and motivates growth.
Sam Horn, the author of Talking on Eggshells: Soft Skills for Hard Conversations, got excellent advice from her father. "We can't motivate people to do better by making them feel bad."
Looming deadlines, hybrid work teams, and austerity budgets may cause us each to be a bit short on patience. We need to get to the right answer fast, and sometimes, we are tempted to rely on critique as a means of fostering improvement. But this well-intentioned approach might be inadvertently hindering progress, inhibiting growth, and diminishing the very motivation we seek to enhance.
“When giving feedback and using the word ‘should’, people will resent us even if what we’re saying is right,” says Horn. The reason, Horn warns, is because ‘should’ is a shaming word. “It might be true, but it’s tactless.”
Instead of focusing on the past, Horn suggests, directing the person to requested behaviors in the future. Use words such as “next time, from now on, in the future.” Instead of saying “You should have texted me if you were going to be late,” consider "From now on, if for some reason you're running late, please text us so we know you're on your way." One scolds and the other empowers.
“Now we're coaching their performance/behavior instead of critiquing it,” shares Horn. “People are learning from their mistakes instead of losing face over their mistakes. We're focusing on how they can do this right instead of scolding them for doing it wrong. Instead of making them feel bad, we're showing them how to do it better. They will appreciate being treated with respect and are more likely to act on our input, which is a win for all involved.”
As we navigate the intricate dynamics of the workplace, it becomes increasingly clear that adopting a language of empowerment and motivation, rather than relentless critique, is pivotal for sustained success. Through positive communication, we can shed light on how a change in tone and words can not only uplift individuals but also serve as a powerful antidote to the looming threat of employee retention challenges.
Consider these negative phrases and their positive reworded counterparts. Which would you prefer to hear?
Negative Phrase: "Your idea won't work."
Positive Rewording: "I see potential in your idea. Let's discuss how we can refine it to make it even more effective."
Negative Phrase: "You're always making mistakes."
Positive Rewording: "Everyone faces challenges. Let's work together to identify areas for improvement and find solutions."
Negative Phrase: "This is not good enough."
Positive Rewording: "Great effort! Let's collaborate to enhance this and make it outstanding."
Negative Phrase: "You're not meeting expectations."
Positive Rewording: "Let's review your goals and explore ways to support you in achieving and exceeding them."
Negative Phrase: "You're difficult to work with."
Positive Rewording: "We all have different working styles. Let's find common ground and improve our collaboration."
Negative Phrase: "You're not a team player."
Positive Rewording: "Teamwork is important, and your unique skills can contribute significantly. Let's find ways to align our efforts better."
Your words matter. They have the power to draw people in or push them out. The choice is yours. Choose wisely.
