Young Children, Extended Families, and Summer Vacations

Unlike Sam’s paternal grandparents, who are in his weekly life, his maternal grandparents live two time zones away. He visits them during the summer and on occasional school breaks in what Sam calls “their country.” When his mom asked him what he might like to take on this summer’s visit, he asked if his “learning tablet” could come.

“Why not?” asked his mom, suspecting something was up about this particular item.

“Grandmom doesn’t like when I play with electric things. Her rules are harder,” Sam replied. “You let me stay with Grandpa and Grandma when I was three for a week. Why didn’t I go to Grandmom and Granddad’s?”

Surprised by the question, Sam’s mom wondered why he was contrasting them. “You and Grandpa and Grandma are close because they were there when you were born. Grandmom and Granddad did not know you very well then, so we waited until you were older and had all gotten to know each other better. That’s why we go there in the summers.”

Sam paused. “OK, I want to go,” he said, “but I hope I like it.”

The Intergenerational Challenge

Such is the dilemma in families when in-laws face unequal access to their grandchildren. We want Sam to like it, but the inequality of the exposure to his grandparents, by no fault of his own, makes it harder to develop similar relationships during the early years.

Young, rapidly growing brains benefit from regular interactions that establish and nourish those deep relationships we cherish. This can put the less-visited grandparents on uneven footing around their grandchildren, potentially exacerbating generational differences in attitudes about discipline, spoiling, respect, and screen use—you name it. It’s worth giving careful forethought to such gatherings to give them the best chance for success. Importantly, it’s typically in our power to make things better or worse at these events.

Nearby or not, grandparents bring rich resources to their grandchildren. The unconditional out-of-the-box love, often more patient interactive styles, life experience-based advice, their penchant for storytelling, and cultural continuity can moderate a parent’s daily stress of multitasking and overscheduling. Interactive live video apps have offered a makeshift bridge to carry some of this intergenerational traffic, but all the good stuff—the hugs and experiences—don’t make it across the digital divide the way a visit can.

Making It Work

Parenting styles between generations have varied a lot over the past few decades. Many grandparents value well-behaved grandchildren. Meanwhile, their own children tend to focus on raising children with positive self-regard who will become autonomous thinkers and competent, loving adults. Social media has clearly made matters worse, so it’s more important than ever to work together with each generation to do their best in the least judgmental way possible.

Some advice for parents to consider:

• If the “rules,” as Sam calls them, target order or cleanliness at Grandmom’s house, prep the kids for how to keep track of their stuff and help around the house as best they can. This is not too much to ask and teaches them to accept and respect different styles in people they love. Three-year-olds, for example, are keenly aware that context shapes behavior and different rules can work in different places with different people.
• Prepare for different sleep schedules. My parents worked with gran to designate part of the house for early sleepers and part for early risers. Noise machines and backyard tents offered some protection and flexibility.
• If shared living space is too fraught with conflict, then discuss staying nearby and gathering at better times when kids are already dressed, warmed up for the day, and excited to see their grandparents rather than fretting about their rules.

Bottom line: By being proactive, parents can limit stress and make the most of grandparent visits. When Sam is older, he will find his way to Grandmom and Grandad’s to pursue his own relationship with them based on how they have come to accept and respect each other’s “rules.”