Misophonia: How to Combat Parent- and Victim-Blaming

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For those of you who know me, you know that I have misophonia and have an adult child with the disorder. When I look back at how much blame both my child and I incurred when nobody believed this was a disorder, I still find myself upset. Now, this was back in the 1990s before misophonia was termed by the Jastreboffs.

One would think that by 2022, there might be some improvement as more professionals know about misophonia. However, as we all know, not enough professionals have heard of misophonia and those that do often have their own theories about research and treatment, not based on science. This is the perfect storm for parent- and victim-blaming.

What is parent-blaming?

Parent-blaming involves various practitioners attributing to parents an "excess" level of responsibility expressed as "blame" regarding their child’s health, or mental health issue(s). Parent-blaming makes one feel inadequate, judged, hurt, and angry, and in my opinion can be humiliating. When dealing with an unknown disorder, parents are often subject to this behavior by well-intended relatives, friends, and even professionals.

As a young mother trying to deal with an unknown and unnamed condition, it still amazes me that people were so perplexed by the idea that sounds and sights could bring about a nervous system reaction (the simplest explanation of misophonia). This has been documented in basic neuroscience, within sensory processing disorder (SPD) research, and in research related to autism. Not to mention that the Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) has and continues to explore how sound may poorly impact human functioning. Yet, I was a "crazy mother” in the 1990s, apparently making up symptoms of a condition that didn't exist. I often wondered what others thought. Did people really think I had made all of this up? Did they think I secretly told my child to fake her very real experiences? Now, I’m a renegade psychologist trying to convince others in my field that misophonia is real, that it is not a psychiatric disorder, a personality disorder, or a behavioral disorder.

When parents speak with me, I am saddened to hear that this still occurs. Worse, parents often tell me that their child has been accused of using misophonia to gain attention and/or to manipulate others. This tactic, victim-blaming, holds a special place for mothers, doesn’t it? Not only has one been told that they are "creating disorders," but in the small cases that one is believed, now it's mom and dad’s fault, and your child is apparently a control freak starved for attention. How absurd is this?

As my then-teenage daughter once said, “Who would make up this ruse just to get out of family dinners?”

As misophonia has finally gained attention in academic research and in the press, I reflect on many of my unpleasant memories, and how mother-blaming truly hurt me and hurt my child.

Eventually, I came up with some strategies that really helped me:

• Don't get pulled into the trap of defending yourself or your child.
• When faced with ill-defined opinions about your child, ask the person what they know about misophonia. This often disarms the other person, giving you a chance to educate.
• If someone (friend, doctor, etc.) argues with you, hand them research or an article that you find helpful.
• Similarly, if you know you are going to "bat" with someone who is going to question your accountability as a parent, give them reading material ahead of time. If they haven't done it, it's on them.

I hope you have found this helpful. If you are interested in more information about how to combat parent- and victim-blaming and would like to join my workshop, see my website.