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Gaslighting
4 Ways to Protect Yourself From Gaslighting
Ask for details, and put it in writing.
Posted October 9, 2022 Reviewed by Jessica Schrader
Key points
- Gaslighting is destructive to relationships, but still occurs often.
- Understanding the process of gaslighting can help minimize the impact.
- Preemptive tools as well as interpersonal techniques can be helpful.
Gaslighting is harmful to all relationships. It is destructive to trust and intimacy. It is nonetheless fairly common in casual, intimate, and even professional relationships. Understanding gaslighting can provide tools and techniques for minimizing the damaging effects.
Gaslighting is a form of manipulation where targets are urged to doubt their memories, beliefs, feelings, or sanity. It is often used to gain some sort of advantage over the target by weakening their clarity and hence their judgment so that they can be taken advantage of in some way, which is emotionally destabilizing.
Intimate relationships are most affected by gaslighting, as it is experienced as a betrayal and thereby undermines any trust. Common examples include:
- Lying about errors to avoid blame: “Wasn’t me.”
- Lying about promises to avoid having to keep them: “I never said that.”
- Fabricating events or conversations that should have happened: “I warned you about that.”
- Fabricating conversations to make other people feel committed: “You promised.”
A different level of gaslighting is common in casual situations. Examples include:
- Vendors giving prices that do not reflect total cost, such as selling a vehicle without including the cost of the tires.
- Returning a borrowed item damaged and claiming that it was already damaged when it was loaned.
- Making others feel that they are overreacting when expressing feelings. “The problem is that you are too sensitive.”
All forms of gaslighting leave those targeted feeling deceived, betrayed, and lied to. These are natural reactions to being mistreated and signal the need to proceed with caution, if at all, in relationships with individuals who use gaslighting as a tool. It can also leave targets feeling anxious, unsure of themselves, and in some cases, crazy. The following techniques help minimize the damaging effects of destabilization.
Preemptive Techniques
1. Training your focusing ability. Our perceptual system responds very differently depending on what we are perceiving. We screen input and give priority to more important inputs automatically. Sirens, people screaming, the sound of gunfire, the smell of fire, the sensation of burning on our skin, etc. are programmed into your nervous system to guide your attention immediately and thoroughly in their direction.
You can train yourself to respond this way to new inputs. Training yourself to be very cautious about offering commitments and opinions will eventually cause these opportunities in general conversation to set off a flag that draws your attention. In the short term, it will be very helpful to make a practice of noting your expressions of commitments and opinions to others for later reference, should there be an attempt to gaslight.
2. Formalize contracts. When you do commit to a promise or opinion, make it clear by formalizing it. Ideally, it would be put in writing like another contract and signed by both parties. In many instances, this is not pragmatic or desirable. In these circumstances, you can state your understanding of what you are committing to, or what you are conveying, and then ask the other person to confirm your understanding as being correct. Following is an example of what such a statement might sound like.
“We agree that I will pay for your dinner and you will help me move into my new apartment this Friday. Correct?”
You can make a personal note of this statement for later reference if there is a high likelihood of later gaslighting.
Transactional Techniques: Tools to use if you suspect that you are being gaslighted
1. Ask for details. If you think that someone is trying to get you to believe something that is not true, ask for multiple details. If someone is trying to gaslight you, asking for details about the event in question will likely yield contradictions, if you are persistent.
2. Ask for verification. “I don’t recall having said that. Was there anyone else that heard me say that?”
In the following example, Sadie attempts to gaslight her friend Rhoda, but Rhoda pushes back.
Sadie: Can I come pick up your car at 5 tonight?
Rhoda: I am using my car tonight.
Sadie: You said that I could use your car this weekend.
Rhoda: I do not remember telling you that you could use my car this weekend.
Sadie: Now you are going back on your word.
Rhoda: When did I tell you that you can use it this weekend?
Sadie: I took you to pick it up from the dealer and you said I could use it.
Rhoda: I didn’t say you could use it whenever you want.
Sadie: Now you are going back on your word.
Rhoda: I am still willing to lend you my car when I am not using it.
Sadie: You are ruining my plans by going back on your word.
Rhoda: You recall my saying that you can use the car this weekend?
Sadie: Yes.
Rhoda: When was this?
Sadie: Tuesday.
Rhoda: We didn’t speak on Tuesday; I was with my parents all day.
Sadie: Then it was Wednesday on the phone.
Rhoda: I just looked at my phone; we did not speak on Wednesday.
Sadie: You are a bad friend.
Rhoda: I did say that you could use my car when I am not using it, but I never agreed to lend it to you tonight. I would not have done that because I made plans for tonight several weeks ago. I do not appreciate your lying to me to get me to do something that I don’t want to do. A good friend is respectful and does not gaslight to get what they want.
Rhoda’s use of the tools offered in this post with her friend Sadie allow her to negotiate Sadie’s effort to gaslight her. She is still offended by her friend’s deceptive efforts, but she is not destabilized by them, thanks to the tools. She will now have to decide if she wants to be friends with someone who treats her this way.
Facebook image: chaponta/Shutterstock
