Do You Want to Have an Honest Relationship?

Greater honesty means greater intimacy.

Source: Christian Dorn/Pixabay

Dishonesty is a major source of conflict and dissatisfaction in intimate relationships. Many people are dishonest in relationships because they don’t want to be the bearer of bad news. Few people are worried about delivering good news. They are afraid of how the other person may react, and they are afraid of being blamed or vented on. They are unprepared to have a constructive discussion about each other’s feelings and so they avoid it by lying.

This type of lying is not meant to be hurtful. It is only meant to be manipulative to the extent that it avoids conflict. For example, Helen, while in the supermarket on the way home from work, ran into her ex-husband, Roger, and they spoke briefly. When she got home, her husband Ryan, asked her how she was and what was new. She responded “same old," which was a lie. She was afraid that Ryan, would be annoyed at the thought of them talking or that he might be hurt. So she just avoided the topic.

If her husband finds out from someone else that Helen spoke with her ex-husband in the supermarket and didn’t tell him, he will certainly feel betrayed. So why did Helen choose not to tell him and take the chance that he would find out that she spoke to Roger in the supermarket?

Helen believed, based either on her experience with Ryan or men in general, that Ryan would have a bad reaction and express displeasure or pain to her in a way that would make her uncomfortable. She was afraid of being blamed and accused of being disloyal. She did not know how to respond constructively if he did react this way and so she lied.

Once they acknowledge that they do not have an honest relationship, they can choose to develop one. This will require that they have a frank conversation about the conditions that each of them need to be able to comfortably deliver bad news.

In the following dialogue, Harriet tells her husband Richard that she dented the bumper on her car while pulling out of a tight parking space.

Harriet: I had a little fender-bender on the way home from work.

Richard: What happened?

Harriet: I misjudged the curb pulling out of a space. I was preoccupied.

Richard: What was so important that it impaired your driving?

Harriet: Nothing important.

Richard: Important enough to damage the car.

Harriet: I didn’t do it on purpose.

Richard: I just had the car detailed.

In the above exchange, Harriet chose to be fully honest with Richard. He responded unsupportively by blaming her and trying to make her feel guilty. In the future, she may choose otherwise. It would be easier to just tell him that she doesn’t know what happened to the bumper as it occurred while she was working. Richard would probably still be annoyed but at least not with her. Unfortunately, this will lead to a relationship that becomes less and less honest over time. If Harriet chooses to pursue an honest relationship with Richard, then she must confront him about how his reactions make it difficult for her to be honest with him and also difficult for her to feel close to him. This might sound something like this.

Harriet: I was in an accident and I am trying to be honest and you are blaming me.

Richard: Well who should I blame?

Harriet: How about nobody. It was an accident. How about just support me?

Richard: How?

Harriet: By not blaming me. Telling me it is alright. And not treating me like a bad girl.

Richard: I could do that.

Harriet: I think you will like the way I respond to that.

Metaconversation

Many otherwise mature adults have not had this type of conversation before. It can be referred to as a metaconversation: a conversation about how to have a conversation. Harriet thought that Richard did not react supportively because he didn’t want to. She actually found that he was quite willing to but did not know how. Only through the use of metaconversation could she learn this and that he was receptive to her direction.

Some people are dishonest because they are being secretly deceitful. This is a sign of serious dysfunction in the relationship. Where this is the case, the methods discussed in this post will most likely be insufficient. In this circumstance, professional help will be needed.

If you are in a relationship that is not honest due to fear of being blamed, or fear of inciting an argument then you now have a tool, metaconversation, that will help you and your partner achieve greater honesty and intimacy in your relationship if you use it consistently. Similarly, if you want your partner to be honest with you then you must react in a way that makes your partner feel good that they were honest, not punished for it.