Stop Jolting People in Conversation

How many times, even just today, have you heard yourself beginning a sentence to someone with one of the following?:

• “You need to . . .”
• “I don’t get it. Help me understand how you …”
• “Where did you come up with that…?”
• “When I was your age, I would . . .”
• “You are a grown-a$& adult. Don’t you think it’s time you started to ... ?”
• “Calm down . . .”
• “Why did you …?”
• “Just relax and listen to me . . .”
• “Promise me you won’t get mad …”
• “Are you listening . . .?”
• “What were you thinking when . . .?”
• “I need to say something to you . . .”
• “How many times have I told you. . .?”

No one likes to get interpersonally zapped!

Source: Shannon Fagan / Canva Stock Images

It’s time to ditch the cattle prod when you’re charged up, wanting something, upset about something, or feeling less than with someone. Save the zapping for that video game you play in secret, not your relationships. Your kid, friend, co-worker, or partner? They’re loving these starts to your sentences as much as they hanker for high-fiving hot burners on the stove. How much are you getting what you want by talking like this? All you achieve is igniting a defensive fire in the person you’re hoping to impact, connect, or somehow make something happen with.

Zip it with the interruptions, too. You know, the talking over, the "let me just say this" nonsense. You might as well whip them with the loose end of a tug-of-war rope, with the end result of nobody winning. All that back-and-forth is just firing up what child psychologists (note the term “child” because you and I childishly do this with adults as well) call a “coercive cycle” of push and pull that goes nowhere productive.

And drop the lectures while you’re at it. The long-winded speeches about your glory days and hard-earned, uphill-both-ways-while-eating-double-portions-of-brussel-sprouts life lessons? Being a professa-saurus leads others to tune you out faster than you can say “back in my day.” You’re spewing wisdom at them like they’ve signed up for your personal masterclass, but guess what? They didn’t enroll.

These tactics – the pokers, the interruptives, the professorials – they’re all signs of your survival brain habit-antics. They’re not the mark of a relationship owner who’s winning at the communication game.

Here’s the kicker: When you start really listening, when you zero in on what the other person is actually saying without your own agenda cluttering the view, that’s when the connective, creative possibility happens. That’s when you’ll start having conversations worth far more than the weight of the ink of the words for this entry (hint: nothing).

The problem with all verbal pokers in relationships is they are steeped in the agenda of control. As much as they are about controlling what your child, partner, coworker, or friend is saying, doing, or “should” be doing, they are really aimed at controlling away your emotional discomfort.

When someone starts a sentence to you with verbal pokers, how much do you perk up and say, “Oh, why thank you for pointing that out! I will certainly change my ways and attend to this just as you are saying, forthwith! I really appreciate the sarcasm, unsolicited feedback, blame and / or condescension!”

You, just like those you poke with these verbal hunks of habit-garbage, tune out or bring out the claws. The solution?

First, understand that these are verbal habits you’ve learned to protect yourself, to manage discomfort of conflict and / or “massage the moment” in the past. Like all habits, you are cued by the situation (the other’s behavior, words, tone or even your own nasty moods or hangry lack of lunch) to act in these ways that achieve a “reinforcing” result.* They must have either delayed upset or intensity, or perhaps (in your mind at least) gotten you what you wanted. The problem is that these piss others off, disconnecting you from them, and making it harder to get things done together.

Second, commit to breaking the “poking habit” and begin noticing how much these phrases help or hinder your relationship moments. It won’t be enough to simply think about changing these habits. Ideally, you’ll be willing to observe yourself over time, noticing the results verbal poking creates, perhaps even tracking it for a while in a journal. This concerted effort to observe yourself will likely weaken the hold the habits have on you, upping the odds that you will make a go of replacing these tendencies with more skillful options.

Third, use “ownership breathing” to ride out the urge to poke when cued to do so.

1. In-breath: “ONLY this moment (of whatever you’re sensing in your body or observing in your thoughts),

2. Out-breath: WITHOUT believing, buying into, fixating or rabbit-hole-falling-into any rigid assumptions, expectations, or nastiness,

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3. Before your next in-breath simply waiting and NOTICING everything happening in your body, mind and around you just as it is, the raw, full, truth of it all.

Last, insert silent waiting, a truth-talking acknowledgment of your upset feelings, and / or a statement of genuine intention of NOT wanting to poke, and instead wanting to prompt a more connective, creative solution.

Without the verbal poking habits, you might actually find yourself herding the moment toward something of value to the both of you.

Practice: “W.A.I.T.ing for Godot”

To give yourself a chance to let urges to verbally poke others pass you by, try adding the following self-inquiry questions to moments when you find yourself “on the verge” of a poke-fest with someone:

W—hose …? (me or them or we?)

A—genda …? (mine, theirs, or ours?)

I—s …? (because aren’t you about to force something?)

T—this …? (because is “this” what you the relationship – the “we” – calls for?)